Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling guilty about my engagement

26 replies

isthismylife88 · 20/04/2017 09:10

So I recently got engaged to my partner of 8 years we have two children and live a great life. He's very supportive in every way and we love Each-other very much. He's a great dad and our family means everything however there has always been intimacy issues which we have had many talks about and it has greatly improved over the years.

Unfortunately his sex drive isn't as high as mine. I feel like I need to be intimate to feel close to him. I try not to ask him for sex more than once a week and I regularly get left rejected which feels like a knife driven into my heart.
20 days ago he popped the question and I obviously said yes. We are both very happy to be engaged finally and I got my ring yesterday Grinbut after he rejected me 2 nights in a row. I was laid in bed and realised he's only been intimate with me once in the last 20 days since we have been engaged and he has also turned me down and rejected my advances on 3 occasions in this period of time.

I suddenly started to panic and realised I don't want to marry into this rejection, I want to feel desired and wanted by the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want to give up what we have. Do I tell him? I don't want to break up with him though.
Do I just stay engaged and keep delaying the wedding but I know he will never want me as much as I want to be wanted.
Am I asking to much?
Do I want him more because he rejects me ( study's do show you want what you can't have?)
Should I accept the rejection and be thankful for what I have?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2017 11:44

Well only you can really answer this.
How old are you?
Do you want this rejection for the rest of your life?
Are there medical reasons for him not wanting sex?
Has he looked into this?
Could you go to sex therapy together?
I wouldn't want this for the rest of my life and I'm nearing 50!
One of the reasons I'm not with recent Ex.
It is soul destroying.
Although my Ex's reasons were very different (porn addict and too much wanking!)
Really think about this.
You will start to resent him more and more as this continues.

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2017 11:46

People always seem to think they should accept a proposal! It's a chance for you to think "Is this the life I really want?" and you are realising now that no, actually, it isn't. You have to act on this - you will become more and more unhappy otherwise.

noego · 20/04/2017 11:53

Why did he propose to you? Safety, security, lifestyle or love?

If this is the only thing between you then it needs sorting professionally. Either through couples sex therapy or by checking his physical and mental health.

Either way a conversation needs to be had. You don't have to marry him. I have a Dsis who has been engaged for 29 years. And she is as happy as a pig in s**t.

GoodDayToYou · 20/04/2017 11:53

This isn't a complete answer for you but I would stop seeing it as 'rejection'. Regardless of what decisions you make re marriage/staying together etc, it cannot be helping you to be labelling it in this way. I would try to find another, better feeling way to see it.

BuggeryBollox · 20/04/2017 11:56

Definitely do not go with the final option you listed. This is important to you and you will end up feeling resentful at the endless nights of staring at the ceiling waiting for him to be ready for sex.

Would you consider couples counselling? You sound very considerate of your DP's feelings so maybe present it as a joint issue rather than saying it's his disinterest that's the problem. Does he actually know that the lack of sex is a problem for you? Or does he believe that you are perfectly fine with the way things are?

From what you say, the core of your relationship is good. Are you intimate in other ways? i.e. do you still chat, flirt, hug etc?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2017 12:14

He may well be a great dad but his issues re intimacy will continue to colour all aspects of your relationship particularly if this is not addressed. It could kill all your love for him ultimately.

What are the root causes of his issues re intimacy; that is what needs to be tackled here and he really does owe you an explanation. This issue has reared its head throughout your relationship and it will continue to do so. There could be psychological as well as physical factors behind this and this is no reflection on you as a person. Is porn an issue?. Is he willing to tackle this both together and separately now?.

Do not get yourself stuck on the sunken costs fallacy; that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Original poster
isthismylife88 · 20/04/2017 18:48

I'm late 20s he is a little bit older than me.

I think we both agree the issue stems from a previous porn addiction. I don't think it can be fixed.

It took 8 years but I finally got him to the doctors and all his physical test came back fine.

He wouldn't be up to counselling and I think he would be crushed if I suggested it as it would devastate his manhood.

I was hoping to find someone on here with previous experience but still in a thriving relationship with their partner who can look at things from a different angle.

If we split up that's only would I leave someone I love but my children would grow up in a separate family. I couldn't afford to leave him I give up my highflying job to be at home with the kids and now work from home and require lots of space to do so which I wouldn't have if I had to leave my family home.

Also I don't think I could bear to see him with somebody else and fear I would regret my decision for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Pebbles1989 · 20/04/2017 19:15

I'm in a similar situation but we have even less intimacy and he hasn't proposed yet. Sad.

Naicehamshop · 20/04/2017 19:23

You're worried about devastating his manhood (Hmm) but he's not worried about seriously damaging your happiness and self-esteem!

Think about it.

TheNaze73 · 20/04/2017 19:35

His low sex drive would be a no no for most. You'll regret marrying him. Why did you say yes, if it's making you feel so rejected?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/04/2017 19:41

What were the circumstances around the proposal?
Is it because he knows he doesn't treat you as he should and he thought a ring would keep you from finding a better offer?
Why do U think he turns you down? Genuine lack of drive or control /power issue?
Time to think long and hard about your future.

scatterolight · 20/04/2017 20:07

Exactly how often do you have sex OP? Once a week? Once a fortnight? To be in an official "dead bedroom" situation I believe you have to be having sex less than 3 times a year. Obviously that's not much consolation to you but it means there's still hope. You need to decide what your minimum frequency is and discuss with your DP how to achieve that. Scheduling in sex can work for couples - you know you're going to get it and he won't have to keep rejecting you which I'm sure he doesn't enjoy either.

Because you have 2 children and are otherwise very happy I think you would absolutely regret breaking up over this. But if you tell him that you're starting to think that way it could give him the kick that he needs.

Original poster
isthismylife88 · 21/04/2017 06:51

Thank you so much I like the positivity and although I have always though routine was bad, he likes routine and maybe we can use it to our advantage Wink

OP posts:
Gallavich · 21/04/2017 06:53

His manhood isn't working very well at the moment is it Hmm
I can't think why you have stayed for 8 years without exploding already! But if you don't have it out with him you will never see any change (except probably less sex) and can you live with that?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2017 06:58

There are special counsellors for porn addiction.
It's a real thing in this day and age and should be tackled.
Why would he not consider it?
Seems very selfish of him.

noego · 21/04/2017 10:35

Routine sex isn't a good idea. How are you suppose to conjure up passion at a certain time on a certain day? I suppose the anticipation might work if the build up is through out the day I.e. sexy texts, conversations etc.

lovecreameggs · 21/04/2017 10:54

I once asked my mum how you'd know if you wanted to say yes to a proposal. She said if it's right then you'll just know, you won't have any doubts. You have doubts

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2017 18:17

It's the porn that's devastating his manhood!

Goingtobeawesome · 21/04/2017 20:57

You don't want him more because he reacts you. Don't be daft. Fuck studies. They can't account for emotional stuff.

20's and already not having a fulfilled physical life. Don't do it.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 21/04/2017 21:02

How do you know that he isn't using porn and getting satisfaction from that?

Zofloraqueen27 · 23/04/2017 00:15

Try to imagine yourself in say 5/10/20/25 years time when your children have left and made their own happy lives and you may be possibly still in this situation.

I speak from desperately sad and rejected experience. I have been married for a very long time. For the past twenty five years I have not had sex with my husband. For many years at the beginning I now realise I was always the one who made the approaches for sex. When we dtd it was absolutely amazing and we both enjoyed it. I remember when asking my husband if we could make love that night and he would say "if you are nice to me" - which meant I was not to shout or argue with him and sometimes after a long day looking after three babies this was hard to do. I put up with it. Due to medical issues my husband became impotent and unilaterally withdrew any sexual contact immediately. He had a very low sex drive/libido so this was not such a loss for him? I would have been happy with other ways to enjoy a close sexual life but this never ever happened again. I stayed because I loved him. I put up with it. I obliterated my feelings which was difficult as I had (and still have) a high sex drive. Oh how I wanted to feel loved and desired.

This situation has made me into a sorry person I hardly recognise. Outwardly I am a tremendously happy and confident person but inside there is a huge hidden sad part of me. As the years wore on I became increasingly detached from him, years of neglect do that to your esteem. I just cannot stop the feelings of resentment I have for him. Outwardly we must look like an older married couple who get along but inside I am tremendously sad at the years I have lost and will never get back again where I wanted to have a sexually satisfying relationship. I have always kept myself physically well, I dress nicely and always take great care with hair and makeup and do present myself very well. I am now both sad and angry inside all the time at my husband. I care for him exceptionally well but I just look after him as I would have done for my dear dad (!).. this is not how I wanted my life to be. I am impatient with my husband and as he is getting older he irritates me a lot and find it impossible to care about his feelings generally now. I just cannot stop thinking that he was careless and uncaring about my welfare by cutting off my sex life without a mention or care as to how it would affect me.

Please believe me those of you who find themselves in a situation like mine where your partner has no or little interest in sex your self esteem, feminine side, and yes pride will be viciously eroded over the long years and you will be left feeling sad and rejected. The saddest thing for me now is that I will never experience or enjoy sex ever again and this for me is a terrible loss in one who had so much love and effection to show.

Please think of how your feelings will be in the future and how you will cope with a lifetime of rejection and feeling worthless sexually before you accept your situation.

nicenewdusters · 23/04/2017 01:18

Zoflora your post literally made my heart hurt. I think it's amazing that you shared your story to help the OP see where her decision could lead. Is it really too late for you to say "never" again?

Valentine2 · 23/04/2017 01:22

You are not even 30. How will you cope with this? Don't be so hard on yourself. His porn diction is not your fault and he should seek counselling and treatment. If he doesn't agree, have a clear discussion. it will be the end of it all because if he can't do it in his 30s, he probably would be far less interested later. Sorry it's such a hard situation. Flowers

Valentine2 · 23/04/2017 01:27

The saddest thing for me now is that I will never experience or enjoy sex ever again and this for me is a terrible loss in one who had so much love and effection to show.
It must be so hard. Is there a chance you could make it clear to him and stop taking that kind of care of his needs now? And then focus on your sex life, starting with counselling etc?

SandyY2K · 24/04/2017 15:26

You've not mentioned his age, but said he's a bit older. Is his age the issue... Because that will only get worse with time. If it's a large age gap, you could wind up on a few times a year if that.

With sexual rejection, opportunity and circumstances you could find yourself seeking what you're not getting elsewhere.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.