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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My usually lovely DH has just called me a fucking idiot

32 replies

Shockedwife · 18/04/2017 23:46

DH is usually really lovely he can be grumpy as we all can at times but never horrible to me.

After a normal evening of I love yous and making each other hot drinks, playing with our baby and washing up together this happens...

He has been offering to put some steroid solution on the back of my scalp because it's really flared up lately.

(This is something I'm embarrassed /ashamed about but he's always willingly done it if not offered to)

Anyway earlier in the eve I asked if he could put some on me later and he agreed.

When we sat down after I got baby to sleep, I asked him and he huffed and puffed and said that I always ask him when it's late (There's no other time when we're together Confused )

I said not to worry and started cack handedly attempting to put it on myself, he got up and attempted to man handle me into the position that I normally sit in for him to apply this solution but I didn't want him to because he didn't want to.

He then called me a fucking idiot twice. I was quite shocked and he hasn't apologised. Just told me to "deal with it" and that I was being a proud fucking idiot.

I said how dare you and told him he's not to ever call me that again.

I'm now reeling in the spare room I don't want my baby to grow up hearing daddy call mummy such horrible things.

Even the word idiot is making me wonder if he even respects me.

So out of character- he is literally the most lovely man apart from this one incident. But it's a hard thing to get over especially with no forth coming apologies.

What should I do?
Tia

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 18/04/2017 23:52

I would sleep in the spare room. I would day he is exhausted and babies have a habit of pushing you to the limits but that doesn't excuse what he has done.

Original poster
Shockedwife · 18/04/2017 23:52

Thank you. I'm hoping that's all it is..

OP posts:
GuardianLions · 19/04/2017 00:00

I would go to bed, ignore him for a bit and compose yourself. At the first opportunity you get to speak to him tell him that language is completely unacceptable, make sure he understands that he is never to say it again and that he must apologise and make it up to you - and detail what format this make-up will take.
Just stay calm and continue until you get this outcome. Don't let him fob you off or hope you forget about it.
In the course of this it will expose what is going on from his point of view.
Make sure you don't leave it. He's crossed the line and it's a slippery slope to a new, disrespectful normal if you don't get him firmly back behind that line again.

scottishdiem · 19/04/2017 00:06

If there is nothing else to indicate a problem then perhaps it is both an issue to do with exhaustion/stress etc as well as a different understanding about the use of that term. Compared to what DP and I can call each other when tired and grumpy its fairly mild. I have a few terms that DP doesnt like so I dont use and DP has a few words that are never to be aimed at me and so doesnt. We have each used these terms/expressions with each other but then, after some discussion, have agreed never to use them again. We didnt hide in a bedroom.

To be honest, I dont think the baby minds at the moment and reeling in the spare bedroom isnt going to sort this. You need to be clear that this is terminology that, whilst he wouldnt mind applied to him, is something you do not find acceptable.

My father hates being called silly. Despises it. Doesnt mind fecking arse at all. But silly puts him in a foul foul mood. You need to set the boundaries. Not reel from them being breached.

Original poster
Shockedwife · 19/04/2017 00:09

Thank you. I just don't want disrespect to become the norm. I'll have a word tomorrow.

OP posts:
Freyanna · 19/04/2017 00:18

Yanbu, he has no right to speak to you like that. Glad you are having a word tomorrow, totally unacceptable.

Motoko · 19/04/2017 00:46

I'd ask him if he has something troubling him, because what he said to you was totally out of character. Also, let him know how much it hurt you. Leave it until tomorrow though.

Mind you, what you did when he did come to put the cream on you was childish.

toffeeboffin · 19/04/2017 00:50

He sounds like a knackered parent TBH.

I swore at DH a few times in the early days much to my shame.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2017 00:50

I think you just really got on his last nerve

We've all been there. Messing about with creams and stuff when you are both tired is a bit of a flashpoint really

GattoColorCioccolatto · 19/04/2017 00:55

Where is AF and what have you done with her? Police!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2017 01:03

I would sleep in the spare room, and in the morning, I would tell him very calmly with no tears or drama, that you will NEVER tolerate him calling you names ever again. Tell him you forgive him and you're sorry if he interpreted your behaviour in a negative light, but name calling is NOT acceptable. Tell him if he's irritated or upset with you to talk about it like grown-ups, not school yard bullies.

RamblinRosie · 19/04/2017 01:25

And that's why I love AF!

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/04/2017 05:22

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to do it and that you were pressurising him by your cackling handed attempt in front of him to do it yourself and this pushed him over the edge. I can see why he thought that as surely that is the sort of thing you normally would do in the bathroom or bedroom. Not everyone is cut out for personal care type stuff especially if it is one that can be managed by the person themselves. I think he is maybe trying to tell you this.

Bahhhhhumbug · 19/04/2017 05:23

cackling? I meant cack handed obv. Bloody auto correct

JessicaJulia234 · 19/04/2017 06:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Atenco · 19/04/2017 06:19

We've all been there. Messing about with creams and stuff when you are both tired is a bit of a flashpoint really

Yeah!

I had an ever so lovely bf who asked me to cut his hair for him one time. I knew what he was like as I'd seen him behave badly with someone cutting his hair before. So he started faffing around and I just walked off leaving him with one side cut and the other long.

Bananamanfan · 19/04/2017 07:07

That must have really stung, op. Particularly as you were in a vulnerable position. I hope he apologises quickly.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/04/2017 07:08

Why didn't you let him put the solution on when he began trying to? That was the outcome you wanted by trying to put it on yourself (and making a bad job of it) in front of him, surely?

user1471558436 · 19/04/2017 07:12

He shouldn't have said what he did. However couldn't it jane been done earlier?

user1471558436 · 19/04/2017 07:12

Been done

Original poster
Shockedwife · 19/04/2017 07:13

We've had a chat, he's aplolagised.
I won't let him do it again in future, tbh not that comfortable him doing it anyway it he just does such a good job.
I don't like feeling disrespected or being man handled and I think he gets that.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
Shurleyshummishtake · 19/04/2017 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 19/04/2017 07:20

I know this isn't the issue posted about, but you've had good advice on that.

Please think about why you struggle so much to just let him do it! It sounds like something that he can do easily and well, but is awkward for you to do yourself. You have married him. You love him. You have sex with him. In sickness and in health?! This is one person you really should be able to accept the help from. Flowers

Nanna50 · 19/04/2017 07:21

So because he didn't do what you asked with good grace you went in a huff and then wouldn't let him do it so he called you a fucking idiot and now your in the huffy bed.

Do you not think you were acting like a child? He was probably pissed off, but he had a point don't you think? Yes he could have chosen different language but this is a one off in an otherwise great relationship and you think it is hard to get over it? It sounds like you have over reacted.

Original poster
Shockedwife · 19/04/2017 07:24

Yeah I am sleep deprived, my needs are coming last in all instances. I'm not my best self atm.

OP posts:
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