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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My last post - help/advice needed. Pls people your comments may just help!

22 replies

CaptainCaveMan1234 · 18/04/2017 19:22

Hi all,

This will be the last time I post on here. Certain people have seemingly been more bothered about the amount of times I've posted rather than what I've said and how they can help. Therefore I'm going to try and be as honest but to the point as possible. So my main worry is about having children later than what I wanted.

I'm currently suffering from anxiety. My anxiety is as far as I can see around having children later in life. I suppose I saw my life by now being married, having at least one child by now and another on the way. But it's not happened.

Everywhere I look at the moment are people having children that are younger than me. I'm not sulking about it. But no one seems to understand where I am coming from or understand how I am feeling. I either get dismissed or told to snap out of it.

My mum and dad had me when they were 33. I was 17 by the time my dad was 50. Now I worry that if I leave my partner the earliest I would be able to have children would be 35/36 which would mean my child would only be 14 when I'm 50. I remember my dad coming on theme park rides with me and I wanted to have that with my children.

My girlfriend is 4 years younger than me. We have had a tough couple of years. I've had an appendercitis, a nervous break down, broken multiple bones in both arms which lead to 2 operations on my shoulder.

So now it's a big question of what do I do?

I'm not happy. Is that because my life is childless, my mum and dad think so and think I wouldn't be thinking about other things if I had children as I would be to busy. Or is it because in my gut I think "I could do better"! But also a gut feeling says I'm making a massive mistake...

I'm a really nice guy, I have a heart of gold. I try and put others first before me. I work hard and look after myself! I just want to be happy but for some reason I'm not. I don't like feeling like this, I don't like speaking negatively about my partner but I'm at a loss of what to do...

Please feel free to ask questions and I'll answer them as best I can!

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 18/04/2017 19:30

If you & your partner are not happy without children, you certainly won't be with children. Babies put a huge strain on relationships.
It sounds like you need to forget about having children all together for the moment until you are feeling more settled.

KittyConCarne · 18/04/2017 19:32

Just trying to understand your issues a little more op, so apologies but just wanted to check as its not clear...

Have you discussed having children with your current partner?
Why do you feel you need to leave your partner to have children?
How old are you?
What do you think you could do better at, and what massive mistake do you feel you might be making?

corythatwas · 18/04/2017 19:46

What Banana said. Children do not patch up difficulties: they put extra strain on them.

If you take reasonable care of your health (and barring extreme bad luck) there is no reason you wouldn't be able to parent a 14yo in your 50s or even 60s. To a teenager, you are going to seem ancient anyway, but there is no reason to believe you will be so decrepit in your 60s you won't be able to manage something as sedate as a theme park ride.

I have just spent a week sightseeing abroad with my teen and 85yo parents: it wasn't the oldies who got tired first.

noego · 18/04/2017 20:12

You think that having a partner should make you happy and it doesn't. You think that having children will make you happy and it won't. Whilst you are looking for "something" to make you happy it won't. It might make you happy for short while and then the unhappiness will come back again. just like a new car does or a holiday does. All you are doing is satisfying a want and satisfying that want is always make someone happy in the short term.
You need to be completely happy within yourself first and foremost and that is your responsibility. Prioritise that.

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 18/04/2017 20:15

How old are you?

HurricaneHalle · 18/04/2017 20:17

Hell don't have children to fix a relationship. They're usually pretty good at doing the opposite. Children are a big game changer.

My youngest will be 10 when I'm 50..........

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 18/04/2017 20:23

Also, if you are so keen to leave Mumsnet that you say it's your last post, why post at all?

Original poster

CaptainCaveMan1234 · 19/04/2017 01:54

kittyconcon

Have you discussed having children with your current partner? - yes we have discussed it but when we did discuss i suggested we needed to save. She disagreed.
Why do you feel you need to leave your partner to have children? I don't feel like I need to leave my partner to have children but I'm not happy with her.
How old are you? - I'm 34 1/2
What do you think you could do better at, and what massive mistake do you feel you might be making? I think I could find someone better suited to me. Like I'm quitting something I'm not 100% sure I should be quitting

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 19/04/2017 04:02

I don't feel like I need to leave my partner to have children but I'm not happy with her.
I think I could find someone better suited to me.
You don't like your partner enough. What makes you think having kids with her would be pleasant or long lived? Leave. Bit of a non question really

CaulkheadNorth · 19/04/2017 04:21

I recommend therapy because it's bloody brilliant and will make you change the way you see things.

Have you started saving, as previously mentioned? Did you decide on a "let's save xxx and then have children?"

Brokenbutbreathing · 19/04/2017 04:27

You need to fix yourself first before you can fix any of the other issues. You are focussing your anxiety on having children, when truly you need to find the real, underlying root that is causing the anxiety and obsessional thinking.

If you are not 100% committed to your partner, please let her go so that she can find someone who is.

Having children is immensely hard alongside the joyfulness. If your relationship is not great, it will almost certainly increase the problems 100 fold.

Lastly, having children while you are carrying these unresolved emotional issues may well only lead to even greater problems, for both them and you, down the track.

Please consider individual counselling to address why you are feeling this way.

Expat38matt · 19/04/2017 04:34

Echoing what ops have said if you're wobbling now do not have a baby
Then you'll really be stuck and that's forever
Why would you sentence yourself your partner and your kids to a lifetime of misery together?
Give your dp chance to find someone who really wants her and really wants kids with her and you to do the same

HappyJanuary · 19/04/2017 04:34

Please don't make the mistake of having children with someone you're not happy with. If you're not happy now, having children will make it a hundred times worse, with all of your current problems magnified and many new ones to contend with too.

You will either live a miserable existence 'for the sake of the children' or separate and see your children every other weekend.

It is the worst possible decision, not fair on anyone, least of all the partner you're already having doubts about.

SparklyMagpie · 19/04/2017 06:48

Oh jesus I don't understand why you need more advice when you've posted so much

Happycow · 19/04/2017 06:54

God, if you have any niggles now dont have a baby with her. They will be magnified 100 times and added to with the pressures a baby brings.

Fwiw my parter was 40 when we had our 1st, so far he is doing fine! 40 is the new 30 dontcha know .

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2017 07:54

You are being very unfair to your partner. She presumably thinks you love her, she wants children now and you are telling her it's about money not that you are eventually thinking about leaving her.

MsStricty · 19/04/2017 07:58

Therapy would really help you, OP. You're in the grip of something here that no number of posts will deal with - I'm sure you can feel that.

Gazelda · 19/04/2017 08:07

I think it would be unforgivable to stay with a partner just so she could bear you children before you feel to old to have them.

Have you no respect for your partners happiness? Let alone your own self respect?

Leave your partner, talk to a counsellor and then see what the future brings.

I wish you luck and happiness, but urge you not to 'use' your current partner in this way.

helhathnofury · 19/04/2017 08:21

Age is inconsequential really. Your child might not like football and a kick around in the park, or like roller coasters - you are focusing on what you had, but there are plenty of things an older parent can still offer. But you need to be fit and healthy in the body and mind to give any children your best, and it certainly doesn't seem that's where you are at the moment. Let your partner go if she's not the one, get yourself sorted out - its really not fair to her if you are just "settling" because of your desire for children. You both deserve a chance at happiness with the right person.
Yes there is a risk in doing that - you may not find someone to have children with, or maybe find someone who already has them and doesn't want more. Life sadly doesn't always run to our own plan.

Isetan · 19/04/2017 09:10

How does having a heart of gold tally with telling your partner (who wants children now), you want to save for having children later when you already know now you're unhappy in the relationship.

What I get from your post is me, me, me, me, your gf appears to be a means to a probable (since you're currently not 'happy with her') end. I don't know how old your gf is but have you thought about her needs, you could be knocking out kids for decades to come but she won't, for you theoretically time isn't on your side but for her, biology realistically isn't on her side.

Anxiety can make people very inward looking to the exclusion of the needs of others. Your anxieties pale into insignificance however, compared to what your gf will feel if she misses out on the opportunity to have children because 'needing to save', is the carrot' excuse her "heart of gold" bf gave to string her along.

It appears that 'having children later in life' is what you attribute your anxieties to but I doubt very much doubt that this is the source. Having children is a selfish choice but raising them, should be a selfless task.

Go back to basics, why do you want children? What can you give them, that they would benefit from? What hole in your life do you envision them fixing? Just like your relationship was supposed to make you happy but doesn't, the same could happen with having children?

Children are a huge commitment and there's nothing in your posts that suggest you're anywhere ready.

corythatwas · 19/04/2017 09:50

noego Tue 18-Apr-17 20:12:50
"You think that having a partner should make you happy and it doesn't. You think that having children will make you happy and it won't. Whilst you are looking for "something" to make you happy it won't."

and

Isetan Wed 19-Apr-17 09:10:43
"How does having a heart of gold tally with telling your partner (who wants children now), you want to save for having children later when you already know now you're unhappy in the relationship... appears that 'having children later in life' is what you attribute your anxieties to but I doubt very much doubt that this is the source. Having children is a selfish choice but raising them, should be a selfless task."

Once you have children, it won't be about you any more; it will be about what you can offer them.

nachogazpacho · 19/04/2017 09:55

You are trying to find answers for why you are anxious. So you have focused on children.

But... You will not find the answer here. You need someone to guide you to the answer and the treatment of your anxiety. You can't do it by yourself. The reason being is you are using your anxious brain to try and solve the problem of your anxiety. It won't work.

Human brains whilst amazing are actually quite predictable. A good therapist will investigate this issue with you and find out why your brain has switched on anxiety mode.

Stop looking for answers in your gf or your lack of children. That is a red herring. Find a therapist to explore your mind and find out why the anxiety switch was put on and left on. Then work with them to slowly turn down the dial on your anxiety. After you have done this you will be in a much better place to assess your life. You can discuss children and all the other things that worry you with your therapist. It's like having a life coach if you keep one long term. It's the best investment for you and your future children. You can discuss anything and everything with them and you won't need to rely on the kindness of strangers. You're looking for help but in the wrong place.

I found my therapist on the counselling directory online. I emailed a few and selected the one who just seemed right. I thought it was my last resort but actually it has been life changing. It frees you from the curse of anxiety. Do that rather than thinking about having children first.

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