DH & porn

[BuggeryBollox]

I woke this morning to find DH watching porn on his phone whilst laying in bed next to me. I am so angry and upset. When I asked why the hell he was doing that when I am right next to him his reaction was "Because you never feel like it". He eventually muttered an apology at me. It transpires that this is the second time in a week that he has done this. In our bed. With me asleep next to him.

For background, my DH has always been anti-porn in the 18 years we have been together. This mattered to me because porn was part of the abuse I suffered as a child. He obviously didn't know about the abuse until we had been together several years and tbh he doesn't know much about it now other than it happened to me.

My DH and I have had something of a sporadic sex life over the last 2 years since I suffered a vaginal prolapse. I felt deeply unsexy, was often in pain and had a tendency to wet myself because of bladder weakness. Sound like a real catch, right? However, during this entire time, he constantly told me how much he fancied me, encouraged me not to feel self-conscious, didn't feel any different etc etc. He has always been very loving and not remotely pressuring me into anything. He just wanted me to see in myself what he saw in me.

I recently had prolapse & bladder repair and despite the pain & discomfort, I have been thrilled with the results. However, we haven't yet had sex and I was keen to try but DH has been distant over the last week or so and therefore the opportunity or moment has really arisen.

This feels like a deal breaker to me. I don't actually know what to do. I can't even go into our bedroom because it makes me feel sick. I know I sound like a drama queen. I am sure there are some women for whom this is no big deal. But to me it feels like a huge f*cking insult. I feel old and sad and deeply unattractive. I don't even know why I'm posting other than just to put it out there instead of it going around and around in my head.

Ffs 18 years of marriage and a bit of porn is a deal breaker??!!

Unfortunately an awful lot of men can create an epic disconnect between those to things. The desire for a wank and meaningless (to men) sexual titillation is in no way connected to how they feel about their partners.
Agreed. But if their partner feels it is disrespectful and sordid, shouldn't they be willing to curtail the activity? Have you explained how you feel and why, since the initial discussion, OP? If he knows how badly it had made you feel do you think he would stop doing it?

Why can't she satisfy him through other means?

You clearly haven't read op's post very well because she has had medical procedures which mean sex hasn't been possible but she clearly states she has tried to keep things going in other ways and now feels ready to go further.

The notion that men porn to have a wank is complete bollocks.

For those of you saying that it's natural because his needs weren't being taken care of, I can only think that you didn't actually read my post. I have consistently given him attention even when, frankly, I did not feel like it. I have never played the dutiful wife begrudgingly performing sex acts. I have been fully engaged because I actually thought it would help me too. To feel more connected & positive towards my own body and everything that I have felt about it since the prolapse. It's pretty hard to feel sexy with half of your uterus hanging out of your vagina but I tried. I gave him plenty of attention during my recovery period. During this time, he has never actually gone without sex for longer than a few days. I don't think that constitutes being neglectful of my DH's needs.

We talked a lot last night. DH is being as open as he can be. I actually don't want to know how long this has been going on for because it will only be painful for me and I'm finding it hard to get my head around what I do know.

He says he was panicked by my discovering him and that what he said to me was unforgivable. He understands that this is a deal breaker for me and has offered to leave or at least give me some space (sleeping in spare room etc). He has said he will not have phone etc in the bedroom. FWIW, I do believe that he is sorry. I now have to decide if that's enough. On reflection, I think I feel shocked not just because of the porn, per se but because of the blatant way he went about it, the fact he blamed me (which despite what he says, was clearly a justification factor in his own head otherwise it wouldn't have been put out there) and that he has broken my trust in him. I've never been a "just happened to glance at DH's phone" type. I trust him. Always have. And I don't want to live the rest of my life with him feeling like I have to check up on him and snoop. THAT would be tragic.

I hear what some of you are saying about it not being a big deal. It is just porn. All men etc etc. Men disengage, don't see it as personal. But my DH knows that I do think it reflects on how he feels about me and our sex life. And IMO if you want that to be part of your life then you have no business being with someone who disagrees.

I think that it is deceitful. I do think that if you have an agreement that porn is okay then that's fine for your relationship. The fact that DH didn't say to me that he was finding things difficult, the fact that he went behind my back - quite f*cking literally as I lay next to him - that's what has completely thrown me. And I gave him plenty of opportunity to tell me he wasn't happy. I arranged a weekend away before my op to give us space to be alone without DCs. I told him then that things might be difficult for a while but that we would get back on track & that we could still be close in other ways. He was very understanding and supportive. I will re-iterate again. My DH has not been without sex for more than a few days during my recovery period. This is why it feels like a betrayal. This is why it has been such a shock. And it makes me question what else I don't know about him.

And perhaps, what I'm really looking for here is for other women to support someone who is feeling in crisis in her relationship and her self-esteem.

What I'm not looking for are posts debating the rights & wrongs of porn, whether men are all mindless fuckwits who cannot manage a wank without watching someone else etc etc. For that I would have posted in AIBU.

Op it sounds like you've gone above and beyond to ensure your DH isn't 'missing out' during your recovery. I can't quite believe people have the gall to come onto your thread to essentially tell you that it's your fault and that you've not been 'servicing' him enough

I am glad you have been able to discuss it with him and that he has apologised for his comment.

Its just that you titled the thread "dh and porn" so actually, it was you that set the tone of the discussion. Dont have a go because posters are then discussing men and porn! But for the record, I did ask about whether your dh might be worried about hurting you and thats why he was hesitant. Not sure if you responded?

Surely the idea is that you read the thread title then read the accompanying thread before posting and assuming what the content will be? It's not the op's fault that some people come onto any thread relating to porn to tell the OP that porn is harmless/they are controlling/have to put up with it regardless because men 'need it'

Surely the idea is that you read the thread title then read the accompanying thread before posting and assuming what the content will be? It's not the op's fault that some people come onto any thread relating to porn to tell the OP that porn is harmless/they are controlling/have to put up with it regardless because men 'need it'

Its not about fault is it, its about assuming that if your OP is about porn, then you want to invite comment about the rights and wrongs of porn use and how it makes people feel? If not, why mention it at all?!

The content of the OP was predominantly about porn,followed by why OP doesnt like the idea of porn followed by OP 's recent circumstances, her feeling about which has been exacerbated by her DH using porn. Pretty clear cut.

OP, as I asked before. He knows your feelings about your body and recovery do you know his? Does he feel scared of hurting you? Guilty that you've felt the need or desire to maintain some kind of sex life with him despite not feeling well/sexy? Do you know his feelings about it,regardless of the porn issue?

I don't mind my DP watching porn as long as it's never when I'm in the house, and I never have to see what he's actually watching. Out of sight, out of mind.
If my DP was watching it in bed next to me and wanking whilst I was asleep then all hell would break loose. Not because I have a massive issue with porn, but because i'd just find it extremely weird behaviour and it would make me feel like shit. God knows why he couldn't go and watch it in the bathroom if he was that unable to control his wanking :-/

It really is an acid test in a lot relationships.

And perhaps, what I'm really looking for here is for other women to support someone who is feeling in crisis in her relationship and her self-esteem.

I can sympathise, though from the other side of the table, as my wife had surgery to correct a prolapse. It was a very emotional time for both of us. I was primarily worried about her pain and comfort (she held off getting surgery for far too long as she was understandably terrified). We were also warned prior to the surgery that it would be a long time before we could fully resume our sex life and that there was a risk it might never be possible. Not a prospect I relished but not my priority over her health and, like you, we made sure we maintained intimacy in other ways (I'm a pretty damn good masseur now by all accounts).

The thing that really struck home to me was when we were having a conversation, initiated by me expressing concern that I was worried she was trying too hard to get "back in the saddle", and was she doing so because she thought she needed to for my sake? She explained to me how she felt that part of her womanhood was missing and it was sure as hell not just for me. That's why your OH's comment about you never feeling like it really hit me. He must know what you're going through emotionally and to say that was just so cruel.

We got through it together with communication and understanding, and then the menopause struck :)

Keep talking to each other, be open and honest about how you feel. There's no guarantee it will all work out in the end but it almost certainly won't if you don't work together.

I am staggered at the number of women lining up to scold a woman hurt and angry that her husband is watching porn next to her in bed and then blaming her for not shagging him enough - even though she has been trying.

I can't get my head around that attitude.

Op, keep the communication going. It sounds like your dh accepts how hurtful his actions and comments were. Hopefully it was very out of character. I hope he can explore what's going on with him to treat you with such disdain.