Hi.
I was in a very abusive "relationship" 15 years ago now, but there isn't a day that goes by that that scumbag isn't in my head. I'm finally having counselling and seeing a lovely lady every few weeks about my mental health, as I suffered in silence ever since leaving him because I was so ashamed of what I allowed him to do to me.
I'm slowly understanding that actually I have nothing to be ashamed about as all I did was fall in love with a wonderful man who (unbeknownst to me) actually groomed me into the person HE wanted to be with, at any cost.
For me, he made sure that I had no support or friends, my family had no idea just how controlling he was, he controlled EVERYTHING! My bank account, phone bill, and even making sure I lost the job I loved due to beating me so badly, for not cooking his dinner on time for example, that I'd have to hide away in the house until the bruises had gone. He slept with numerous women, lied where he was, women would come to the house asking to see him, asking who I was, they'd call at all hours of the day and night, it was never ending and eventually, I unplugged the landline one night.
When he found out, he threw me out in the early hours of the night with nothing but my bra and pants on. It was January. The police were called by the neighbours on a regular basis but each time anything like that happened he'd beg me to come back and tell me that he was going to change, get help etc.......
Of course hde never did. He beat me that hard one night that I lost our baby. I was 8 weeks gone. When he found out, he refused to take me to hospital and just laughed as I called for a taxi, crying the whole time. Of course I went home the next day and he was sat waiting for me, wanting to know where I'd been for all the time. He quizzed me over what I'd said to the doctors. I'd told them I'd fallen and hadn't realised that I was even pregnant. I thought that if I loved him and showed him that he was my world, the abuse would stop. But little did I know that I wasn't the first, and I wasn't the last 
I'm posting all of this because as I type, I'm safe. I'm sat in our lounge. With my beautiful son and our clever daughter is studying upstairs. My wonderful husband is mowing the lawn and our dog is lying in the sun on the patio. I've been with the love of my life for 12 years now, but it took me a while to even look at another man, let alone be physical with him. But I did and although we've had a few rough things to deal with, we've dealt with them as a team, as equals, together 
How did I get away? I honestly don't know how, but one afternoon, my ex was spoiling for a fight. I could sense him getting annoyed at my ignorance towards him and point blank refused to say a word. I suddenly felt strong, something snapped in me and I went ballistic at him. Although I didn't raise my voice, something made me see him for what he really, truly was. A playground bully, a nasty, controlling, pathetic excuse for a man and I just packed as much stuff as I could, all the while he followed me around the house sobbing and pleading with me to stay, saying he'd change if only I'd please stay, but by then, I didn't want him to change, I didn't want him anymore. I actually felt sorry for him. I laughed in his face each time he promised something else, I was in control now and although I expected it, he didn't touch me once.
I had finally found my voice. And I liked the sound of it! I was cool headed, I was finally ready to leave him under MY CONTROL.
You will find your voice too but you really, honestly, more than anything you have ever felt before, have to want to leave him and all that he has done. It will never get better or be over unless YOU take his control over you away. I promise you that if he loved you, really loved you, he'd NEVER treat you like he has.
You have support. You're family and friends will be there for you, they are now. Find your voice and put an end to this cycle that you're stuck in. You can do this but you have to want to and for good.
Take care xx