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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is getting married

18 replies

YerAWizardHarry · 18/04/2017 01:18

So I found out via Facebook that my DS's dad proposed to his girlfriend. Is it bad I felt a pang of.. sadness?

Backstory- Ex and I been split since May 2014, together 3.5 years, one child (DS who's now 4), lived together etc. Being totally honest things were awful then and he's still awful to me now, calls me every name under the sun.

Around a year and a half after we split up he met his current DP. She moved into our flat within the space of 3 months and now they're engaged and have nice cars, good jobs, lots of holidays etc everything I don't seem to have.

I have a new DP as well, been together about the same amount of time as ex and his DP but there's little chance of us living together anytime soon let alone getting married.. although I have to bare in mind I'm only 23 (Ex is 32, almost 33) and starting uni this September. We are also taking things slow for DS's sake.

For anyone who's read this far I apologise for the long ramblings I think I just felt a bit shocked and seeing on Facebook.. is it normal to have a reaction to exes moving on with their life?

OP posts:

booksandhearts · 18/04/2017 02:17

I'm not sure if I'm the 'abnormal' one but I've never been upset or sad that my ex has moved on, (with either woman)
I suppose you being sad means there are still some feelings that come into play, or is it maybe the fact they have good jobs, cars, holidays, and that's maybe the life you've always wanted?
Why does he call you names? He sounds terrible tbf
Also why do you not see you and your partner moving in anytime soon?, you say you've been together for a while?

TheNaze73 · 18/04/2017 07:32

I have no idea why you're giving him any head space. He sounds like an arse.
Stop comparing relationships, it's really not healthy. Different people, want different things at different stages of life. I'd be rejoicing your lucky escape.

Original poster

YerAWizardHarry · 18/04/2017 10:30

I think it's definitely a case of "wanting what they have" he's very narcissistic and will take any opportunity to put me down, says I'm a bad mother because I'm skint with studying right now despite me doing it with the best intentions.

DP and I both still live with parents, I don't feel like I can ask him to support DS and I financially through 4 years of University. We live in an expensive city and couldn't afford private rental on his wage/my student loan

OP posts:

Aderyn2016 · 18/04/2017 10:39

I think it is normal to feel a pang. He is the father of your child and in an ideal world you would have been a happy family, enjoying the benefits that his 10 years of longer work have provided. I'd be resentful at him living a great life, if I was struggling financially to raise our shared child and having to make career sacrifices that he didn't have to. Meanwhile he gets to be a dad and have lots of money.

Remember though that in 10 years you will be better off financially - you will have studied and be building a career.
Also, fb is not real - just because life looks good for him it doesn't mean that is the whole story. People never say the bad stuff truth on fb, they present their ideal life.
And finally, you have dodged a bullet. He is an arse and if he can treat you (the mother of his child) like crap, then the new woman is hardly getting a great prize of a man.

Paperdoll16 · 18/04/2017 14:09

Could it be the fact that he treated you badly (and continues to do so) and left you with a baby at only 20 years old and many many people probably reassured you that he would get his just desserts eventually. However, on the contrary, you seeing him getting married is perceived as him having moved on and happier/settled before you??

If you think that could be the case (rather than jealousy/ feelings for him still which I don't believe you have) then try to remember the arseholeish (no such word) things he did to you because I can put money on it that he's doing the same to her and eventually she will have enough too.

Remember, no one ever knows what really goes on behind closed doors, flash cars, a cosy flat and some wedding preparations., he's still an ex for a reason. 🤚🏼

LesisMiserable · 18/04/2017 23:47

Absolutely normal.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2017 00:01

You were pretty young when you were with him and you're still young now.

Focus on your future and don't tolerate him calling you names. I'd seriously cut him out and use a contact centre if he didn't stop that nonsense.

I think the age gap didn't help, as he was more experienced and took advantage of you.

You'll be just fine. I know the feeling, but be glad you dodged a bullet.

Original poster

YerAWizardHarry · 19/04/2017 07:13

Thank you for the replies they've made me feel a lot better.

I can't use a contact centre as we actually have joint 50/50 custody of DS. Or we do in the eyes of the CMS who count it as "nights" he doesn't pay me any maintenece or anything.

OP posts:

Aderyn2016 · 19/04/2017 07:40

Maybe you could get legal advice and change this if he isn't actually doing 50/50.

Original poster

YerAWizardHarry · 19/04/2017 07:45

We've done mediation and had a claim open with CMS who basically said if he has him half the nights then he isn't liable for maintenece. He drops him off at 6am and sometimes picks him up really late on "his" day so I have him all day and have to feed him etc and when I say anything he's like, "I can't believe you're moaning about spending time with your son"

OP posts:

Aderyn2016 · 19/04/2017 08:44

I think I would go back to the solicitor because this is a really unfair arrangement.

Aderyn2016 · 19/04/2017 08:47

As your child gets older, this arrangement will be impossible - I don't see how it could work with your dc needing to go to school.

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 08:48

I would take him off Facebook. I think that would let you move on easier woot seeing his life all the time.

Original poster

YerAWizardHarry · 19/04/2017 09:16

We aren't on Facebook but I'm friends with his step mum and younger sisters as they live around 300 miles away and like to see their grandchild/nephew so I only see specific things he tags his family in

OP posts:

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 09:22

Block him then you won't see that xxx

jojo2916 · 19/04/2017 11:36

To me the fact you are bothered at atall would point that there's still feelings there on your part even if you would never want a relationship with him again, I love my dp and I don't care who anyone in my past is dating, as long as she's nice to your son ( I doubt he'd be with someone who wasn't ) it shouldn't affect you, I'd be very hurt if I thought my dp was upset at his ex's new relationship p.

Original poster

YerAWizardHarry · 19/04/2017 14:09

I think it's slightly different when there are children involved and you still have to have a level of contact.

OP posts:

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 17:07

I have my ex blocked on facebook. And his new partner, and her kids, and her mother and his mother and sister and her husband and their kids.. you get the picture? Because it would annoy me too much to see all their happy family stuff so I have them all blocked, and I see none of it. It's much easier for me that way.

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