Where to go from here with husband?

[Notgrown]

Note - have name changed and altered a couple of details here, to avoid being outed.

I will try and keep this brief. DH and I have been together about 15 years and married for about half of that. We have young children. When we first became serious, we talked about traveling the world together and living abroad at some point. I was an avid traveler when we met. That didn't happen. When we agreed to settle down, have kids, etc we talked about him possibly being a SAHP. I was the higher earner then and very focused in my career. That didn't happen.

We didn't travel when I wanted to because he didn't want to leave his job at the time. We relocated a few years ago...not overseas but away from friends and family. I quit my job and became a SAHM (well actually a WAHM). It was supposed to be a temporary move before moving overseas. It wasn't. His career has since gone from strength to strength. He will openly say that it's because of my support. I gave him the confidence to go for jobs/promotions he wouldn't have done otherwise. The fact I have been a SAHP has meant he's been able to be flexible at work, travel, etc. His income (which we see as family money) has sky rocketed. My career options have nose dived and my earning potential has, obviously, done so too because of the time of out that field.

The decisions were, on the surface, joint decisions that would benefit us both. The move really helped his career. I got to be able to spend more time with the kids when they were little (I was in a long hours line of work before). The kids like having me around. He has now reached a point where he can get flexibility at work and so has more time with the kids (and me) too, much more than many working parents.

However, I also feel that they have largely been following a path that has suited him and what he has wanted from life and I have managed to find the upsides for me too. However, I have been affected by more downsides than him. I've had the loss of a career at which I was pretty successful and well paid, being one. The other major things have been shelving my dream to travel or live abroad and living away from family and friends with a husband working long hours and traveling a lot (in work he has chosen and loved).

As a result, I have felt a bit lost about who I am and my own needs. This has bubbled away in the background but is now coming out in huge waves of resentment. That in turn is affecting my marriage and I'm becoming someone I don't like. I knew this was always a risk and therefore always tried to find positives, for me, in the choices we made. I've kept myself employable with a bit of work from home. That meant I've kept my mind active, on non-family stuff, and had something for me mentally and emotionally (and financially). But I can't help still feeling resentful that essentially every major life decision that we've made in the past few years as, really, been for him and my career and life dreams have gone by the wayside. It doesn't help that I always swore that I'd never do that.

I am now finding the resentment is spilling into day to day areas of our lives. But maybe that's because the attitude that his needs come first is too?? We have a principle of family money....but he has more disposable income each month. We have an agreed split of household chores but he no longer does most of his. Things like that.

I have now become a bit of a bitch towards him. Cold, critical, outright mean sometimes. It's not nice for either of us and definitely not good for our children. How do we/I work through this?

Sorry that ended up longer than expected!

For me, the failure to address the domestic inequality despite requested requests and the lying about/hiding income would be serious issues. Just such a smack in the face after you have given up your dreams and career to support the family.

Having said that, I don't think you should beat yourself up about past decisions. It isn't too late to get back into work, or to travel. If you hadn't given up work, maybe your children wouldn't be so happy and maybe you would feel terrible regret that you'd missed out on so much of your children's childhoods.

I'd tell him how you feel and make it clear that your resentment is poisoning how you feel about him. Then I'd focus on positive decisions for the future and try to look for the positives in the past.

Madame agree about working not necessarily being the answer. I hung on in a difficult job with long hours until it wasn't sustainable in our situation. I still do some contract work but of course it's up to me to work around children, which makes it harder for less reward. Oh, and my pension is screwed too. Fortunately my OH isn't controlling financially, but if we ever did separate I'd be up the creek without a paddle as for future financial stability.

Notgrown that all sounds really annoying and horrible. Sorry to hear it.

"I was struggling to squirrel away the savings I'll need to do my course and spoke to him about the fact that maybe we can't afford it. He wants me to be able to do the course so went and checked and came back and admitted what he had. I was livid.....so much for having been equal, open and honest partners. That has tipped me over the edge."

So you could afford to get help with the housework if he has more money and won't do it himself?

You can get a new better job and spread your wings etc?

Would relate counselling help?

Your misguided resentment will destroy your marriage and prevent you from seeing all of the wonderful possibilities that lay ahead for you. You have healthy children, a hard-working, supportive husband, and are financially secure. Maybe it's time to be grateful.

I divorced my XH for exactly the same reasons. Everything you've posted is so very similar. Mine made sure that every single decision went his way (down to outright refusing to take on childcare responsibilities despite the fact that we were both working FT and I was earning marginally more than him). He knew I would always pick up the slack because someone had to and it damn well wasn't going to be him. He was also deeply financially abusive.

I'm so very much happier without him.

Aquamarine - but the whole point it that OP doesn't have a supportive DH at all. She has a selfish, financially abusive one who had consistently blocked her attempts to improve her lot. She's tried talking to him, and he does sweet FA to make her happy. Why on earth should she be grateful?

Now is your time, OP! The DC are a bit older (you don't give their ages, but I assume no longer babies / toddlers), you've been held back over the last few years in order to meet their needs - now it's time to stop fretting about exactly how or why this happened and take back control of your life! Lots of women re-discover themselves at this age.

The financial thing is bad, but I assume you've now arranged things more fairly?

Re the chores, agree on a split, then if he doesn't do his share, stick to yours and do not pick up his slack.

Take some bold steps towards your own happiness, OP. Good luck!

At the risk of sounding harsh or unsympathetic, I think you need to take a look at your situation in the round...including its upsides. Some of what you describe clearly does sound irksome and irritating, but, if you'll forgive me, you are possibly falling into the trap of thinking that the grass would definitely be greener had you made different decisions. In some ways, maybe it would have been - but in others, it probably wouldn't, because....life is like that.

Would you really wanted to have travelled with small kids in tow? I suspect that, even if you had done, it wouldn't be the experience you'd dreamed of. Your career? Yes, it's natural to think "what if?"....but you also have to consider what that would have meant for your children and for you all as a family. You wouldn't have had that time with them, which you indubitably can't get back, but you would be further up the ladder and earning more money. It's a trade off.

Going slightly off topic, I don't think anyone can "have it all". I know a number of women who have extremely successful careers, children and husbands who are SAHDs. They have "the dream" that we say many men have. But they also have the stress and pressure of being the sole wage earner, the long hours to put in and the reality that their only contact with their kids during the week is over FaceTime. I know other people where they split work and childcare pretty much equally. That can work very well - but then they likely as not have to accept that, as a family, they won't have as much money, because very well paid jobs tend to demand a lot of overtime and flexibility which don't sit well with fixed childcare responsibilities.

I think you need to have a long talk with your DH about where you've got to. He doesn't sound abusive or awful to me - just a bit thoughtless (and all of us are guilty of that from time to time). Better to have it out than snipe away, as that is potentially hugely damaging over time.

Natalia you are totally correct. I think the OP is possibly resentful because she envisaged a future that may well not have turned out as expected at all, I do understand resentment career wise though and think women who don't want to do the SAHM bit should have the balls to say so and make appropriate arrangements . If I can just mention about 'travel'. If you knew the number of people I've interviewed in 20's and 30's who seem to mention 'travel' as if it's some kind of career option(and they don't all mean working in career jobs either). It's the I want to work 18 months and then travel!! Don't we all!! I'm not saying this is you OP but it isn't a panacea for everything else, with kids in tow it brings its own challenges and can actually ruin relationships

women who don't want to do the SAHM bit should have the balls to say so and make appropriate arrangements
It's not always possible though, is it? Speaking from personal experience, with OH away a good part of the year, no real help/support with kids (no family close enough, friends work), childcare costs being more than salary etc, the only sensible option at the time may be to give up the time consuming job and stay at home. Ideally, the 'appropriate arrangements ' should be made/shared by both partners, but again, this is not always possible.

Thank you everyone.

I would have happily lived overseas with young children. It wouldn't have been an issue for me. I wouldn't have wanted to backpack with a baby and toddler though ;-)

I don't think my life could have been better, just it could have been different. I am a great believer that it is better to regret the things you did do than the things you didn't. My sense of regret at not doing certain things will always be greater than any regret I would have had, had I done them and they'd not worked out.

I can't change the past. I don't necessarily wish to change the past. I want to find a way forward that isn't full of resentment. Some women would think what I have is perfect. I do appreciate much of it. However, I have ended up on a path in my life and, most importantly in my marriage that isn't satisfying for me. It's not been the path of equals that I thought I'd set out on and I resent that, whether I should or not.

My husband and I have now done some more talking. The money situation is largely resolved. We've always both believed that it doesn't matter who earns what, we are a unit, a team and a partnership of equals so any disposable income should be distributed fairly, leaving us both feeling that way. My husband isn't the best with money and claims he didn't fully comprehend (despite me telling him!) how unbalanced things had got.

In terms of decisions going forward, he really wants to get to a certain stage with work but has offered to forgo that, if I am truly unhappy. After much discussion we seem to have found a way forward. I will do the studies I have planned, he will continue to work towards his current work target. We should both complete those things at around the same time. We will then look at where are and make further big decisions then. I have realised my resentment is more about the fact he has been prioritised by us both, it's not so much about what I have or haven't done. I just want to be seen and heard again! I want the fact I am a person in my own right with my own needs to be taken into account, by us both.

No doubt I will still have to nag over household chores but we had a system that worked well for both of us a few years ago and we will try that again! Hopefully that will help the day to day niggles building up.

My husband is a good man, which is why I wanted to find ways forward. He has been selfish and thoughtless at times and can be ridiculously pig headed and stubborn but he is not a bad husband. Maybe I should have been more selfishness at times, as people have said.

Every marriage has its ups and downs. Mine hd hit a down. It wasn't a terminal problem, just one where I needed some perspective. I have that now, I hope. Thank you.

Glad to hear you've a plan of action, hope it works out well for you