Want to leave my husband

[Bakerk40]

Not sure why I'm putting this on here, desperation I suppose
I've been with my husband over 23yrs now, we married 10 years and have 4 children together
My husband is an alcoholic, I'm so fed up of living this way
The only 'good' thing (if you could call it that) is that he does his drinking when we all gone to bed
The thing is his drinking I can deal with it's the person he is I hate while loving him at the same time, how messed up is that
I work full time, he doesn't so at least I'm financially independent
His moods/temper are so unpredictable I spend my time trying not to annoy him, he does nothing but sit watching tv all day everyday I do literally everything, our relationship is terrible we barely talk, he loses his temper at the slightest thing and honestly I am sometimes afraid of him
I thought bout leaving for the past year I'm just so unhappy but I'm terrified of leaving of what he will do
The house is in both our names so I also know it will be hard enough to get him out but I don't want to leave

What do you get out of this relationship now? Absolutely nothing. In my
Opinion you're insane not to leave. What do you mean that you're worried about what he'll do! To you? Or himself?

Urgh - excuse typos and random punctuation. Cracked screen.

Staying within this is no option at all for either your children or you for that matter. You're codependent and have enabled him for years at great cost to yourself and your children who have seen this modelled as a relationship to them as well. Would you want your children to have a relationship like this going forward?. No. Well do not do your bit here to continue to show them that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Seek legal advice and make plans to leave asap; no man is above the law here.

You're basically paying for this guy to sit in your home and drink himself to death. Surely you'd be better off financially if he left? You'd be happier, too. Everyone except him would be happier. He wouldn't be happy with anything as he's an alcoholic - all that will make him happy is more alcohol.

You need to get rid of him. Could he go to his mum's?

I am afraid that he will go mental if I tell him I want him to leave I've got advice bout this before and basically I cannot get him to leave without going through the courts, which takes time so how do I live here with him while waiting for that to go through, no way in hell will he leave voluntarily, he loves the kids on his own messed up way
His family live close by mine are the other side of the country
Know what I need to do just not sure the best way forward

Well you will have to go down the formal route then OP; you can't think living like this is your future; he's just taking the complete piss; you are basically supporting him so he's not a great dead at all; I am sure he loves his kids but he's putting them and you through shit, the best thing you can do for everyone is split; it may give him the impetus to actually grow up and be a man.

You should not have to accept any of this, it sound intolerable.

Make an appointment with CAB and get advised firstly.

for you OP - horrible situation for you and DC. If you are frightened you need to protect yourself and dc as you bring things to an end. Call Women's Aid for advice and support while you sort this out. I did go through the courts as my ex was getting aggressive with my oldest dc and it worked. It is possible but you'll need help. Good luck.

I think a lot of women in your position are afraid of telling the H or P that they have had enough and want to end the marriage. This is obviously all part of the fear that you have through living someone who is emotionally abusive - I really hope you can find a way out as this is no life for you or the kids. Not sure of their ages?

There are some options - you could call Women's Aid for advice and possibly a refuge place though you obviously need to keep your job and I assume there are child care issues.

You could find private rented accommodation for you and the children. I hope you're not in London though housing is scarce all over the country. The Housing Dept are meant to offer social housing as you are fleeing domestic violence (and emotional abuse IS domestic violence) but they don't have enough properties so have to use the privated rented sector. If you do rent privately you'll be looking at around £700/£800 a month and start up costs - usually a month's rent in advance and a deposit. SHELTER are the best charity to advise about housing. This would be a temporary measure and it won't affect your rights to the property you own with H. But it would mean that you could get free of him and show him you mean business.

In the fullness of time you would have to come to some agreement about the house (if one or other can't buy the other out) it would have to be sold and the equity split between you. Also arrangements for the children. If he won't be reasonable you will have to go to the Family Court and they will make Orders about the care of the children and the housing situation.

It will all take time but the sooner you start the process the sooner you will be free of him. Do you have any relatives or friends you could stay with - I know it would be a big ask, but men like this never do the decent thing and move out because the truth of it is that he is emotionally and financially dependent on you - so why would he move out. YOU are going to be the one to take action.

CAB might be a good place to start,

The only issue with you leaving and renting is you would have to pay half the mortgage. If he is unemployed I assume he won't be able to pay the other half so you could lose your home!

Is there any way of 'buying him out' and getting the home in your name? If this isn't an option, and he just refuses to leave, could you just put the house on the market?

It's a council house that we have but I don't want to leave this house, this is our home and I have no intention of leaving I spoke to women's aid few times now more for practical advice then anything else
I know we are done so it's just a matter of sorting things out the problem is I am worried what he will do when I tell him

In that case I think unless you have family or friends who will put you up then you have no option to ask WA if they can find you a refuge place. I'm not sure what the Council's position would be about the house. Presumably if the children stay with you then you would get the house but I don't know. You could go to the council and tell them the situation and ask for advice about the house.

Unless you get the courage to take some action you are going to be stuck in this position and it isn't fair on your children is it. Are you afraid that he could be physically violent? If so then I think you have to find a way of getting out on a temporary basis. If not, then you need to try and talk to him about your future and your resolve to leave him.

OP - my post maybe wasn't clear (just re-read it). I went through court to get orders to remove abusive h from family home (we jointly own it) so it can be done. Refuge advised me and helped me do it safely, with a good solicitor.

Maybe start by reading their website to understand different types of abuse if you're not clear? Then start listing ways in which that affects you and dc and how it makes you feel. This gives solicitor and WA a picture and might help them help you. They will hold your hand