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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and Herpes

24 replies

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 09:42

I've been here for a while, mainly a lurker but do post and my DD knows my user so have a new one for this post as like my name suggests I'm in a bit of a mess

DH and I were watching TV in bed last night and herpes was brought up on the TV when he piped up with something about his EW. I didn't catch what he said so asked him what he was on about and he again said something about when she had flair ups. I'm now looking at him wtf?! And asked him if he was telling me his EW had herpes. He replied yeah, something like that.

I'm totally agasht that after several years of unprotected sex with DH he neglected to tell me this. I don't think he actually gets how big a deal this actually is. His reasoning is that he has never had symptoms so can't have it, therefore can't of passed it to me. Wtf??

DH is at work this morning and I'm still laid in bed in a complete shock. I'm so angry at him for not telling me and I'm not even sure where we go from here.

I know plenty of people have and manage herpes well but I just can't get my head around the fact that my DH didn't give me the option of me making up my mind whether I wanted to take that risk.

Not really sure why I've posted, I can't talk to anyone in RL. Just wanted to offload

OP posts:

tribpot · 17/04/2017 09:57

He will no doubt have bothered to read the NHS Choices page which states "Most people with the herpes simplex virus (HSV) don't experience any symptoms of genital herpes when first infected. As a result, many people don't know they have the condition. Symptoms may not appear until months or sometimes years after you're exposed to the virus." before coming to the conclusion he couldn't possibly have been infected?

First thing is for you both to be tested, but from reading the NHS page it does look like it's not possible to get a definite diagnosis if you're not currently having an outbreak. I take it you didn't have any tests before deciding to stop using condoms initially?

I guess you need to consider if you can get past the fact he deliberately put your health at risk, albeit through a combination of laziness and ignorance.

Original poster

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 10:03

I have a bit of ongoing problems with UTI's and thrush so when we first got together before going condom less I asked the nurse to swab for any STI's as well.

DH said he'd been checked and was clear (I know, I was very naive to just believe him) I know he has been checked over since and came back clear. The thing is though does herpes show up on a normal swap screening as I thought it's a blood test? I don't think I've been blood tested for herpes.

OP posts:

clumsyduck · 17/04/2017 10:07

No with herpes the active "rash" needs to be swapped at the time it won't show up on a general Sti check

clumsyduck · 17/04/2017 10:08

Swabbed !

Surfingpig · 17/04/2017 10:21

It must have been a bit of a shock. Hopefully, you will feel better once that has lessened.

However if he has never had symptoms then I wouldn't have expected him to tell you or even to think of it as something to mention. He wouldn't be at any greater risk than the vast majority of the population. About 75% people have the virus but only the unlucky ones have symptoms.

To test for it you would need a swab done during an outbreak to confirm it. There is a blood test but it is rarely done as most people's will come back positive.

After several years, if he does happen to have it you will probably have caught it already. On the other hand, you could have it from a previous partner who was asymptomatic.

If you're worried and want to chat it through with someone, you can pop down your local gum clinic walk in and one of the nurses or doctors will be happy to discuss and answer questions.

Original poster

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 10:40

I'm not sure he never has had symptoms though. There has been two times over the last few years where (and sorry for tmi) he has had painful urination and whilst no blisters have been present the end of his penis has been quite angry looking and sore. The last time I asked him to go see his GP but it went after a few days so put it down to maybe a touch of thrush from me so was happy with him using the cantesten. I'm now thinking this may of been a flare up?

Things arnt great to start with at the moment and I have to admit that I had even thought if myself and DH do end up splitting then he's now made my sex life going forward a nightmare. I know I shouldn't be thinking like that as I'm hoping we do manage to ride this tough time out but I'm so angry and what a stupid ignorant twat he's been

OP posts:

Mumfun · 17/04/2017 11:06

I also think he could have easily assumed he didn't have it . And forgotten the whole situation until reminded. A very high percentage of people do have it without symptoms and most dont know.

Original poster

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 11:19

So I'm overreacting? I wasn't sure if I was or not. I think I posted to also gauge responses.

OP posts:

Ginandpanic · 17/04/2017 11:45

Op are you sure he meant genital herpes and not just cold sores? You need to be sure he knows what he's talking about.

Original poster

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 11:54

Yes I'm sure it was genital herpes

OP posts:

SparklingRaspberry · 17/04/2017 11:58

I honestly don't know how I'd feel if I was in your position but as an outsider, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

He's clear of other std's.
I'm sure if anything had come up 'down there' such as a rash or a wart he would've got himself straight to the clinic especially after knowing his ex wife had the disease. He would know what to look out for.

I don't think it was something he should've told you unless he'd ever suffered with the symptoms himself, which obviously he hasn't otherwise he would've got it checked out.

tribpot · 17/04/2017 12:04

Sparkling I think he should at least have disclosed this risk when they discussed not using condoms.

Mooey89 · 17/04/2017 12:08

The thing about herpes is that it can only be tested if you have sores.
It's most likely to be transmitted when you have sores, but some people don't ever have sores!

Also, a huge percentage of the population have it without knowing about it.
If he's been tested since, has never had symptoms, and you both had clear STI checks before... I'm not sure what telling you would have gained? You could well have slept with someone prior to DH with the virus and not picked up symptoms/ not contracted it/ etc etc etc...

Original poster

InAStateOfShock · 17/04/2017 12:09

This is the thing Tribpot, I feel like it should of been mentioned. His ex wife is extremely chaotic ( not only going on what DH tells me, I have to have a relationship with her due to DSS so I know first hand how flakey she is ) and I really wouldn't trust her to manage a flair up properly.

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 17/04/2017 14:26

I know herpes is horrible, but it is coldsore virus in a different location, so not something you would necessarily be aware of.

vainofmylife · 20/04/2017 07:54

I'm going to post from a different (although not necessarily right) POV

I contracted genital herpes many years ago, he first outbreak was horrendous. I went to sexual health clinic who tested me for everything and it came back positive for HSV1 which is more associated with cold sores on the mouth - which I had never had. It was concluded I had caught the virus from receiving oral sex from someone with a cold sore - so as PP has mentioned it REALLY can be just the cold sore virus (which more people have) presented in a different area. After the initial outbreak I didn't have another.

I ever told DH when we met, I'm quite reserved and I hadn't had another outbreak so neglected to tell him (wrong, I know, but I was young and REALLY liked him so didn't want to scare him off!!)

I had completely forgotten about it until I became pregnant with DD and bloody hell, I had outbreak after outbreak - it was terrible. Of course, I had to tell DH. I ended up in tears as I was so ashamed, embarrassed and most of all feeling guilty that I hadn't been honest at the start.

So, after many years of unprotected sex, I had to tel DH I was a carrier of the herpes virus (he had never had so much of a cold sore). Similar, but worse, situation that yours but with the roles reversed.

DH was so lovely about it and very supportive, not even a hint of anger. It really helped me (although made me feel worse in a way!!). No more outbreaks after DD was born but now I'm pregnant with DC2 it's starting to bother me again.

As others have stated, you can have the virus and never know. I think I'm your DH case he didn't really do anything wrong, unless of course he has had outbreaks and not told you.

SparklingRaspberry · 20/04/2017 13:38

Sparkling I think he should at least have disclosed this risk when they discussed not using condoms

What risk?

If the husband had caught the virus from his ex wife then had sex with the OP while he had an outbreak then yes of course there was a risk he could pass it on to the OP.

But after all these years he has never had an outbreak.

You can only catch it when there is an active flare up. He has never had a flare up, which means he hasn't put the OP at any risk what so ever.

grannytomine · 20/04/2017 13:59

No Sparkling that isn't true. You can catch herpes when it shedding without an outbreak.

grannytomine · 20/04/2017 14:00

OP your OH can have a blood test and so can you, you will then know if either of you has the virus and if it is HSVI or II. Different implications. Problem is if you have never had an outbreak you won't know if it is oral or genital.

Fathersyros · 20/04/2017 18:23

Huge overreaction I'm afraid - he hasn't got HIV... Firstly he has had no signs that he has it and secondly most of the population has the virus anyway. I'm bemused as to what he would have told you - frankly if he hasn't had outbreaks it's highly likely that he wouldn't have known he could pass it on. And the reality is it's very rare to pass it on while not having an outbreak yourself (4% chance per year I've seen....).

Dadaist · 20/04/2017 22:09

There is an really much distinction between genital herpes and cold sores - if you have oral sex with somebody while you have a cold sore they will get ' genital herpes ' if the virus is contracted.
Cold sores are very common- but generally speaking - if you are not displaying any symptoms - then you are not infectious. The same is true for herped in any other part of the body.

Dadaist · 20/04/2017 22:09

Isn't much distinction

Mumfun · 21/04/2017 11:52

em no. You can pass on herpes when not displaying symptoms. As Father says above a low chance but you can .

See herpes.org.uk/ for best information site

Dadaist · 21/04/2017 14:21

Yes - quite true that you can be infectious for a short time just before symptoms show, which is why there is always a chance even when monitoring. Some people get to notice even a slight itching just before and can be on their guard but there is always a risk, even though reduced.

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