Can't decide whether to leave

[3boys3dogshelp]

Sorry it's long.
DH and I have been together 16 yrs, married 10, 3 kids. Things haven't been great for a very long time. For years I have brushed our problems to one side as us being overtired and overstretched but as the kids get a bit older things seem to be getting worse not better.
I suspect all 3 of our children are on the spectrum to varying degrees (one diagnosed) Ds2 clashes with both brothers a lot. So having kids has been pretty stressful for us. Esp since ds3. They are lovely but very full on and I have noticed that a lot of our friends and even extended family have drifted away. We have very few true friends left if I'm honest with myself.
Our last 2 holidays have been fairly awful. Kids enjoyed most of it but DH and I barely speaking once they were in bed. We have just been off and planned to stay home and do days out to try to take the pressure off ourselves. I stupidly looked forward to it but It's been utterly crap. I can't agree with him on anything. He is really messy and careless with stuff. He makes no effort to plan or book anything, I suggested this week that he arrange something for X day as I had done everything else, he suggested two things that ds3 wasn't old enough for and stripped off to bed when I pointed that out.The next day at 1.30pm I gave up and arranged something myself because the kids were climbing the walls. he came along to.
When he is with us he's short tempered and grumpy with me and the kids and even the bloody dogs and I'm fed up of it. Tonight we went out for dinner. The restaurant was louder than expected and ds3 struggled with the noise a bit, I was actually really proud of him- he's only 3, he told me it was too loud and I have him a cuddle and he managed to stay. Got home feeling really proud of them all and happy. Kids asked me a question (why the paint on his car was damaged) I told them and he called me 'smug' in front of them. This name calling is becoming a regular occurrence. He just totally ruined the evening for me. I feel like he can't stand me.
Lately he seems really selfish too - his work is very full on but I feel like he's got used to not being part of the family and when he's here he doesn't enjoy it. This month he has worked one full weekend and is doing his hobby for the other 3, including tomorrow. No discussion with me before he planned it all. When I called him on it and said I thought it was selfish to plan something just for him on Easter Sunday he said I was unsupportive. I have already done bedtime on my own twice and had another full day in my own with all 3 so he could do his hobby this week.
So when I read that back it seems obvious for me to seperate.
2 problems

1. He won't go. If I tell him I want to seperate he just says he's not leaving. I have nowhere to go. Kids love this house and are quite stuck in their ways. I couldn't afford to stay here.
2. I really don't think I can manage the kids by myself all the time. I'm ashamed to admit it as their mum but it's just so full on and I already feel overstretched.

Dont know what I'm asking really, I just feel completely stuck.

There is definitely help out there for your DC but it is very hard to find out about it in my experience.

My DC2 school has a home school link worker who has recently been a font of knowledge. I have managed to access some carer support groups and also a play scheme for SEN children through her. Do you have someone like that at your DC school?

I just think there is a lack of kindness between you both, from the sheer stress that you are both under two different reasons. I think you are being a little unfair, in that he does seem to be trying, he just isn't doing things the way you would, e.g. going overboard on chocolate !

He must be feeling constantly to be disappointing you, and that you are never happy. It is a terrible sadness to try to please and never please, which will make him unhappy, meanwhile you are complaining that he's never happy!
In your own ways, you are both being unsupportive of each other.
I'm really not surprised that there was an argument if you told him his efforts were inadequate over the amount of chocolate provided for Easter!
Underneath all this, that sounds to have been a very strong friendship and loving relationship, I'm sure some counselling would help. But if you want to make a start to both of you feeling better and happier, try being a little kinder to one another?

Dada I don't know where you got this from

He must be feeling constantly to be disappointing you, and that you are never happy. It is a terrible sadness to try to please and never please, which will make him unhappy, meanwhile you are complaining that he's never happy!

OP said he's miserable whenever they go out! And that he calls her names!

I know, the chocolate thing looks really petty on my part written down. And I think you're right that I need to be kinder. But I do try to be kinder and less demanding and controlling and then it's me left sorting the mess out all the time. He's gone out now for the day.
I explained clearly about the situation with the Easter eggs before he went to the shop. He knew they weren't getting anything else from anyone else (they have every other year). He had them all in front of him and thought that was plenty when it was clearly hardly anything compared to what they have had before and also themed eggs of things they grew out of a couple of years ago. I'd happily have no chocolate in the house but we have 3 small boys and stuff like this matters to them, so it matters to me.

I get Dada comments to be kinder as there is often a downward cycle a couple get into however if he has been consistently mean for a long time it could be has checked out.It seems as if he is being disrespectful.

Your comment 're the car is just the type of thing that happened between stbxh & I.

Everything I said he interpreted negatively.It was like living with an enemy all the time.I couldn't tolerate it as it was emotional abuse which got worse over time.

I would suggest you talk to him, tell him that your marriage looks to be in trouble and that you would like it to be better.See if he is willing to work with you.If he blames you then I think you have your answer.

Yep, everything I say is taken in the worst possible way. I have tried to talk about it. He tries to be nice and says he wants to sort it out but he can't keep it up for even half a day.
I feel like if I'm not happy about something I'll say, for eg, 'I think we need more Easter Eggs for the kids, they'll be upset as there are is so much less than last year' whereas he will say, 'you're such a bitch you only asked me (I didn't ask him) to get the eggs so that you have a go at me for doing it wrong, you're just a control freak blah blah blah'. How do you get all of that from what I said?!
And I was bloody right. Again. He thinks I always want to be right but the fact is I spend a lot more time at home with the kids, I know how they are likely to react to things he isn't very good at reading them or thinking about things from anyone else's point of view, never has been even when we were happy.

Have you actually said to him that you miss him, miss what you once were to each other, and that you want to find ways to craw it back because you're aware that you're marriage has slid into you both trying to cope with parenting and you've lost the loving partnership you both once shared.

From there you can both see if there's things you can do to try to rekindle what it was that you loved about each other, try to find the love, respect and admiration you both felt and then tackle the parenting and home life after that.

I think it is clear that your communication has broken down leading to your friendship becoming non-existent which obviously has lead to this Cold War kind of atmosphere in the house.

It's not surprising really with 3 ASD kids! Only you know if there is something worth saving really from your relationship and if so it will need you both on board.

On Tuesday I think you need to phone children's services and explain how you are struggling and ask for assessments for all the DC. Maybe talk to him about this over the rest of the bank holiday and see what his feelings are. Sometimes recognising that your partner is burning out too is enough to bring you back to the basics of the reationship and give a foundation to work from but it also depends on what he does in response - if it is continue to wage Cold War or pay lip service to what you say then there isn't much use.

It got to that with my h TBH. He wasn't good with feelings to start with and wouldn't do anything at all to help sort it out and I resented him for what I saw as his choice to abandon me and ignore I wasn't coping because he had been able to manage his stress that way.

And I agree with joysmum about most things except that if you have 3DC with complex needs you may need the practical support before you are both physically and emotionally able to connect again.

Having 3 DC with (tbc in the case of 2DC) autism complex needs is a huge pressure on a relationship, and should IMO mean a total rethink about things like work.

For example it seems that you are run ragged SAH caring for DC while he works all the hours and, seemingly, doesn't want to engage with parenting realities (meltdowns, activities not being fun due to DC etc). Does that arrangement still work for you?

You might want to try couples' counselling: there are BACP qualified counsellors who do sessions by online video if childcare is difficult.

If you split up I somehow suspect he will want only very limited contact with the DC. He would personally have a strong economic / financial position and you'd be left with worse financial circumstances and all the work. But perhaps better that than remaining in a relationship with someone treating you badly.

Important to seek diagnoses and battle for help, eg benefits, services. Good advice on SN boards here and from voluntary organisations. If your H isn't assisting you with that already, he should be or he is failing as a parent IMO.

Calling you a bitch is abusive and unacceptable.

Op, does he ever apologise? Do you feel you resolve issues? His comments to you about being right all the time and controlling could be projection.I spent years trying to rationalise my stbxh's comments but realised he didn't want to fix issues or understand my point of view or feelings.He just wanted an environment where I could not question him at all about anything.

YY same here.

H and XBF were both like that. Felt entitled to never be questioned or accountable because they are the man.

Only way to know is by carefully watching their reactions to reasonable suggestions etc. Of course you don't need to find out at all, you can just decide you are not going to be treated like this no matter the reason.

You could try reading Should I stay or Should I go? by Lundy Bancroft. It might help you make a decision and think about your boundaries.
www.shouldistayorshouldigo.net/