Please help me figure this out - am I being paranoid?!!

[BeautyAndTheCheat]

DH went to visit his parents and said he would be staying the night. It's a town an hour away by car. About 7pm I rang his mobile as kids wanted to say good night (we don't usually do this) but get didn't pick up. So very uncharacteristically (in laws and I do not get on well) phoned his parents. They said DH left at about 4pm and had rang at about 5pm to say he had reached home. DH then sent a text to me saying he will be home at 8pm.

I kept ringing him and finally he picked up. Said he was driving that's why didn't pick up. Said tire was playing up so went to get it checked, there was traffic and he was driving particularly slowly (that's why delay). Also, lied to his parents as didn't want them to worry. And didn't tell me he was coming back as wanted to surprise me with the second hand car which his sister had gifted him. It just sounds odd as usually he drives pretty fast and why would be have this small car when we have been saving and already have the funds to get a big car which would comfortably fit three carseats. It's not something you would 'surprise' your wife with surely?!

Am I going mad? Overreacting? There is some history previous to this. No real affair as such but behaviour which shook my trust and had to be rebuilt. Feel like we're going back to those times.

i think you need to stop second guessing and doubting yourself.

he has a history of gaslighting you, lying and being secretive.
This is just more of the same.

How often has he 'stayed over' at pils or friends' houses overnight?

You don't need 'proof' to justify ending things.
Tell him to stay away until he can explain where the money has been going and why your joint debt has increased.

if you've got any joint savings i'd move them to an account he has no access to.

Could you check the credit card statements online?

I think in your shoes I'd be done this time. Doesn't really matter if he's telling the truth or not because there will always be a next time.

I can't check credit card statements as don't have password. He's back and half in shock he's had such an easy time of it. I've asked my questions but not hit the roof as I would normally when he refused to show me statements. I did say I would stand with him as his partner to work through anything we needed to but just need to know. He showed me last few days of one account but won't show me credit card ones or tell me our total debt. He's saying I have no business looking at it. I've asked for the 8.5k I gave to him end of last year (sold my jewellery and gave towards a new car and to fix wondows/boiler so kids can benefit) back. He refused at first but now says I should have most of it in 4 weeks. I've told him non negotiable as I want it ring fenced for the kids and no longer interested in buying a new car. He can keep his sisters old banger and make do with that.

He's sticking to the story about dodgy tyre and car like dog with bone.

Rang his parents last night to try and get to bottom of things but they were just vile really. Told me I was living in their son's house, they had given him 15k deposit and that I owe that money back to them. Truth is I matched that deposit amount at the time but just so angry that this was their contribution to this. They slammed phone down before I could explain that I was worried about more than just the missing hours i.e financial state.

I'm getting my exit strategy worked sorted. Even I f I don't use it. This has shown me how vulnerable I am and anxious to ring fence my inheritance/investments. I'm scared but more scared of my weak position and lack of power. And very unhappy with it all.

check your Experian credit file, it will show all credit cards/debts that are linked to your name

My default position is innocent until proven guilty but 2-3 hours off radar with some kind of dodgy tyre? Sorted on an evening? I seriously doubt it!

I reckon he spent that time doing something he doesn't want you to know about. Could be an OW, gambling, prostitute etc. I also suspect that he knew that the car would be gifted and that it was preplanned.

If he visits family regularly then I'd be looking back on past occasions and whether he might had lost some hours between leaving parents and getting on the train home.

Wow, the whole side of the family (apart from the generous sister) sound like abusive asshats, OP. I think if this is the level of support you can expect you are right to plan your exit strategy and good luck with it! There is something seriously dodgy with him still refusing to show you the statements. Are you going to pursue it?

Thank you. I will be checking experian now and also believe gift was preplanned as he even commented quietly "maybe I'll even have my sisters car" but I thought nothing of it.

That side are not good and never have been. His sisters are all the same but they stick together like glue and look out for one another. I've always been an outsider. Should have looked at his parents and sisters behaviour and taken clues from that really but outwardly he seemed always different and quiet and nice.

I am going to pursue the statements - all of it. But I'm lying low until I can understand my rights and he gives back my 8.5k so I can ring fence as much as possible. I don't understand why he said he 'should' be able to give back 'most' of it back. I'm feeling jittery so making no sudden movements so I have maximum protection. Also have a pretty hefty inheritance which I don't want him touching. It's the only thing I have to pass to my kids when I die.

Have you received the inheritance already OP?
Sorry you are going through this but you sound like you have your head screwed on and that you'd be better off without him in many ways

Id assume the should and most is because he has spent it. Ofherwise why would he not be able to give it ll back straight wy?

No its tied up in property and jointly own with siblings so I would need to speak to them before I start moving things around. Going to visit CAB offices tmr. He's texted this morning from work saying he's meeting a friend after work today. A random friend he hasn't seen for 3years. He's not social so doesn't have any close friends. I've asked him not to go but he's going any way. My friends have said I can use spying and tracking apps to check where he goes...is this right? Legal? Should I even bother?

Could you afford to get a Private Investigator?

No. Day to day I have just a bit left over after groceries. So stupid. I'm a walking cliche. I would need him to transfer the funds to me for the PI. The thought of it is making me smile although of course nothing really amusing going on in reality.

I've gotten hold of as much paperwork as poss and I'll be photocopying tmr. Just to be safe.

No don't bother and no it's not legal.
You now basically know he's seeing another woman.
He will be seeing her tonight.
You rightly don't trust him.
He won't tell you what debt he is in.
And by the way, if you are married it is your debt too!
So you have every right to know how much YOU would owe should you separate!
He's being financially abusive too.
Won't show you statements because it will be proof for you that he is cheating / gambling / using prostitutes.
If I was you, I'd get to your local GUM clinic as well for a full STD check!

No tyre place or garage would be open on Easter Sunday OP. No way, not never. That plus the secrecy over the CC bills. You know what's going on...

I'm so sorry, you must be all over the place