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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unequal finances in relationship

23 replies

barkinginessex · 15/04/2017 17:05

I feel like I'm falling out of love with my DP and desperately need some advice.
Been together 8 years, lived together for 6 and a half. He has a son from previous relationship who I adore and we see him every other weekend and once during the week.
DP owns the house (I had bad credit when we moved in together so mortgage is in his name only). I'm not on the deeds and we aren't engaged.
I feel financially vulnerable and have had many chats about this with DP which always end with me feeling fobbed or unreasonable for bringing it up. He says as soon as my credit rating improves that he will put me on the deeds. He won't get a will (again fobbed off if I bring this up), so all I own is the clothes in my wardrobe. I pay half of the mortgage and towards bills.
I do all of the housework and gardening and I'm starting to resent doing these things in a house and garden that I have no legal rights to.
Up until recently I was desperate for him to propose but now I just feel empty. He says he loves me but I am starting to think I'd be no better worse off on my own as nothing in this house is really 'mine'.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I just feel so sad and also scared of the prospect of leaving him.

OP posts:

donajimena · 15/04/2017 17:07

I certainly wouldn't be paying half the mortgage. Its his asset.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2017 17:10

I would get out of there, OP, and I'd see a solicitor about the payments you've made towards the mortgage. I'm not sure whether you have a claim there - hopefully someone with legal experience will be able to tell you - but this man, despite what he says, isn't good for you.

ImagineBeingThatPassionate · 15/04/2017 17:10

I think you will have to walk away with a lesson learned. So sorry things worked out this way.

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 17:11

Well if you were on your own you'd have to pay rent, so I think it's reasonable you contribute equally to the cost of living there. I don't think you can expect to live their for free. I also don't think it's his job to provide you with financial security, you're not even engaged.

You would be equally financially vulnerable, in fact arguably more so if you were on your own. Due to your credit rating, you probably wouldn't even be able to rent.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 15/04/2017 17:15

I agree that I don't expect to live with him without paying towards the mortgage and bills but ultimately if I leave or he wants to end things, I have nothing and am entitled to nothing. I saw a solicitor a few years ago when he cheated on me to find out if I was entitled to anything I'd paid towards the mortgage and I was told no.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 17:15

'I pay half of the mortgage and towards bills.
I do all of the housework and gardening and I'm starting to resent doing these things in a house and garden that I have no legal rights to.'

Erm, NO. He's using you. Get out. Even with bad credit you can get a room in a houseshare to start you off. But stop doing all this. No halves any more. And fuck doing all the housework and garden.

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 17:16

I don't think it's a good idea to let this situation continue. If he really loves you why would he want you to be financially vulnerable? Have you told him how worried you are? I can't imagine a nice man just fobbing you off knowing this.

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 17:17

Just seen your update about him cheating. I guess he isn't a very nice man?

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2017 17:17

I'd missed the bit you do all the house work and gardening, that's really not ok. And he cheated on you? Why are you still with him?

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 17:17

'I saw a solicitor a few years ago when he cheated on me '

Oh, FUCK HIM OFF! Ask yourself why your bar is so low. Do you really think this is what you deserve? He's got a kid, he's a cheater, he has zero respect for you or he'd never accept your skivvying around. Do you have anyone you can stay with until you get a room somewhere?

Original poster

barkinginessex · 15/04/2017 17:30

Theres no one I can stay with but I could borrow some money for a deposit etc. I didn't leave him when he cheated as I was terrified of being alone and living in a house share and I didn't want to leave this house (which I love).
I also feel a lot of guilt about his son, it would break my heart to ever upset him.
I just feel so torn .

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 17:34

How would he react if you told him you will leave unless he seriously starts to think about your financial vulnerability?

You would have to be prepared to go through with the threat, though. To be honest, you're probably better off without him, anyway.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 15/04/2017 17:44

I'm not sure how he would react but it's what I'll need to do as I can continue like this. You are right about following through with the threat though - thank you, and to everyone for your kind advice.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 18:36

It's not going to be easy, but unfortunately it's probably only going to get more difficult the longer you leave it, especially as you will feel (rightly IMO) more and more resentful.

Brace yourself for a tricky few months (at least!) and I'm sure that in a few years you will be looking back with a HUGE sense of relief that you were brave enough to move on.

writergirl747474 · 15/04/2017 18:48

Have you got enough cash to buy half the equity in his house or do you expect him to give it to you for free? He's got a secure home for him and his child but you want him to risk that security? Would you be in a position to buy (i.e. saved a deposit, decent credit rating, sufficient income) on your own? I'm not sure you're paying his mortgage any more than you're just paying for a roof over your head. If you'd be renting in a shared house without him, then you've got a good deal. But as for doing all the housework etc - that's not on. Make a list of what needs doing and split chores with him.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 19:11

'I could borrow some money for a deposit etc. I didn't leave him when he cheated as I was terrified of being alone and living in a house share and I didn't want to leave this house (which I love).
I also feel a lot of guilt about his son, it would break my heart to ever upset him.
I just feel so torn sad.'

Look, he has no respect for you, this man. He cheated on you and is content for you to live like a skivvy whilst paying half the bills. His son is his, not yours. You're not getting your own family because you're wasting your time with this arsehole. And a houseshare would mean you at least had a contract and rights and you wouldn't be expected to do all the housework and gardening.

You are wasting your life! And you only get one.

Borrow the money, get a house share and tell him after the fact. 'I'm leaving'. And do it.

This man is not worth staying with, at all, because he's a cheater and treats you like a skivvy. People like this never change.

Pallisers · 15/04/2017 19:16

this is exactly what your boyfriend is thinking - exactly. He doesn't care about your financial security, doesn't think it is any of his concern. he does not think he is in a life-long relationship with shared responsibilities, dreams, plans etc. He thinks he has a girlfriend who pays half his bills so he lives cheaper, does all his housework and helps him mind his son.

If you are ok with that then continue as you are. Bearing in mind if he leaves you or the next episode of cheating makes you leave him, you are starting with nothing.

Or you could plan on putting together your own life where you have your own rented place, maybe save for a deposit, live on your own salary, and maybe meet someone who isn't just using you.

Isetan · 16/04/2017 07:59

What have you done to repair your credit rating? Do you not have any savings? It sounds like you were banking on the financial security of marriage, without being married. You both have very different ideas about the financial side of your relationship and he's been very clear about where he stands, which begs the question, why you thought he would change his mind? You are a tenant without a contract, just because you're in a relationship with your landlord and you've taken on the domestic chores, doesn't stop that reality.

I'm sorry you're unhappy but you sleep walked into this situation and if you want it to change, you're going to have to stop waiting for him to change his mind.

If you haven't already taken steps to improve your finances, then this is the time to do it. Your poor credit rating is not going to help you secure accommodation and no savings will help you to pay a deposit.

The hardest lessons are often the best because the painful memory will hopefully prevent you ending up in this situation again.

arsenaltilidie · 16/04/2017 08:09

He could add you to the mortgage but it seems your issues run deeper than just the mortgage.
I think the relationship has ran its course.
You need to focus on getting yourself on the property ladder.

May50 · 16/04/2017 08:15

Just out of interest why are you doing all the housework and gardening? If you're sharing mortgage and bills then surely he should be doing his share of the chores.

disappearingfish · 16/04/2017 08:17

I think you need to leave, if the only thing keeping you there is not wanting to live in a house share it sounds like your relationship is dead.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 16/04/2017 08:46

I should have been clearer in my OP. When he bought the house it was very much for 'us'. We bought all the furniture etc. together. There was never any question of it just being 'his' until he cheated and I realised just how vulnerable I really am.
I have repaid all my debt but my credit rating hasn't improved that much yet.
I am wondering if marrying me or putting my name on the mortgage is a commitment too far in his eyes.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 16/04/2017 08:59

Once there is sufficient equity in the house I believe you can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage. If you separated you.might be able to claim a beneficial interest in the property if you can prove your contribution but not sure how difficult it is. You need some good legal advice.

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