Is DH being unreasonable or is it me?

[dorito]

My DH is 46 and I am 38 and we have two DS aged 8 and 3. I am a SAHM and DH has built up his own business which is now very successful. Due to this fact, he is now semi-retired and works just a few hours each day Mon to Wed and has the rest of the week off. He has quite a lot of time to himself, plays golf Thurs and Fri afternoons, goes up the pub a couple of times a week and has recently come back from a week skiing with the lads. He doesn't do a great deal to help with the kids. He was working hard to build up the business when DS1 was small, so I automatically done everything and it has just carried on over the years. I have nagged him about this but TBH it is often easier just to do it myself! I would have though DH would be happy with his lot, but this is not so. He spoke a couple of weeks ago about getting a motorbike. I didn't really comment too much, just said it was up to him if thats what he wanted. However, last night he came home from the pub and announced he had changed his mind about the motorbike and now wanted to get a quad bike so he could take the kids racing around tracks etc. I told him I thought it was silly (and dangerous)and why couldn't he just get a motorbike like everyone else, but he did not agree. He also announced that he is going to start fishing on a regular basis, and lastly that he was thinking of buying a new Jag!
I just feel now that we have nothing in common at all. He is acting like a child (midlife crisis maybe?). Unlike some, we can afford these things, so I cannot complain about the money situation.
It took us a long time to conceive our children and I do really enjoy them, and I know this is one of the things that really annoys him. It seems increasingly that he is living his own life, similar to that of a single person. He knows that me and the kids will be at home. Most of his friends children are grown up and he does say he often feels a really old dad.
This is not the sort of relationship I envisaged having when we had children. We were really happy once, especially when he was building up the business, because then he seemed content with smaller things, i.e. a good sale at work.
Will we ever get them back again, or is it me in the wrong, as I have not changed like him? Would welcome advice and comments.

sorry dorito, I have no advice for you, but wanted to let you know someone was listening. I'm sure someone will be along shortly with loads of wisdom

Is there any way you could spend time alone with him doing an activity that neither if you have done before? Something that might bring you closer. Your (not so) DH sounds very childlike and selfish at the moment.Poor you 3 children to deal with!! I find as a sahm of 3 dc that I put myself way at the bottom of the pile and will find excuses not to do things with dh, but I find our life much better when we do do activities together. Last year when we did a sailing course together, we got to have lunch together as well and be a couple. I think it is very important for you not to be his surrogate mother and get treated as his wife and partner. Also book yourself a holiday with the girls and leave him to look after HIS sons!! Good luck.

It sounds to me like he is lacking direction inhis life and is searching for something to fill the gap that was once filled with ambition. I am sad for you, though, that he doesn't want to spend this time doing things with his family. The motorbike/quad bike thing suggests to me that he is looking for a way to "macho up" his image (definitely a mid-life crisis thing!).

Do you have a good relationship dorito? If you sat down to talk to him about this, would he be responsive? It sounds to me like he needs to do a "where am I going with my life" review rather than just tinkering at the edges.

Miaou, I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say he is lacking direction in his life and trying to fill it. He does admit that he is not fulfilled with his life but does not know what to do it. When I suggested he could do some sort of charity work to fill up his days, he just laughed and said he would rather just write them out a cheque. Dont get me wrong, he is a nice person, but money has definetly changed him. I often wish we could go back to how we were years ago. (Have been married 14 years). We do some family things, went to Disneyland Paris before Xmas, and Centre Parcs Holland in the summer. However I always feel he is doing these things because he feels he should and also to keep me quiet, not because he wants to. It is sometimes quite hard work when we do go away as a family because of this. He would not dream of coming with me to a soft play area or something like that and has never once took DS1 to school. As I said, he does admit he feels that he is an old dad and I think is sometimes embarrased by this although 46 isn't that old.
Mountaingirl, we do some things together, for instance tonight are going out for a meal with some friends. Babysitters are thin on the ground though, so do not get to do this so often. Will probably have a nice night, however he will then lay in in the morning, whilst I get up with the kids, so I will be grumpy all over again! Do not have anyone to have the children overnight, so are really limited. Have certainly been thinking about booking a holiday for me and the children (btw they are boys not girls!). It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I actually think it would be a lot less stressful. Would like to go with another friend in the same postion, however most of my friends are married (happily!). I do feel like DH's surrogate mother most of the time, unfortunately he lost his mum a few years back so have to be careful what I say on that front.
Squonk, thanks very much for listening, it really does help!
I know me and DH do not have a very good relationship when it comes to communication. I do not like confrontation so tend to let things carry on. I have not worked for a few years, so have lost a lot of my confidence. I do think DH loves me deep down and would be gutted if anything was to happen to us, however I do wonder if I am wasting my life by carrying on like this.

a couple of things.

firstly, 46 is too young to retire, which is essentially what he's done. he worked really hard to build up a successful business which is a real ego boost. now there's nothing to give him that thrill back. hence the bike. he's also looking for things to fill up his time because he's bored, hence the fishing. my dh tried retiring at 34. didn't work.

he doesn't understand the huge rewards you get from spending time with your kids. he could take ds1 out fishing with him for instance. he should take the kids to school and pick them up.

i think he needs something to get his teeth into, and he needs a serious wakeup call about how family life really is. in order for you to get that message across, i think you need a few days away without him and the kids, so that he really understands what it's all about.

i also think he needs to do some soul-searching and either take his current business further or start something new. he also needs to get involved in the family A LOT more.

Dorito - really sorry to hear your situation. Poor you. Crappy isn't it? I don't really have much advice but have you tried talking to him alone without the kids around? Maybe it would be better for the 2 of you to go away for a night or to have the kids go elsewhere if you think it would be better in your own home. hugx

Message withdrawn

Gosh, poor you, it's not an easy one. I wouldn't be happy with this, not at all, it sounds as if you're living separate lives and as if he's looking for happiness in some way that doesn't really involve you.

I don't think you're in the wrong but I don't think it's about right and wrong, it's about expectations of married life, yours and his. Does he know you're unhappy? I do think you need to talk to him and really tell him how you feel. Why should it annoy him that you enjoy your children? I enjoy my children and so does my dh, it wouldn't cross his mind to be annoyed by it.

New Jag, no big deal imo, motorbike IS a big deal though. When my ex dh said he was getting one (he didn't in the end) I asked if I still got my maintenance if he was dead. I was only half joking. Tell him you want his life insurance increased if he gets a bike. But it's not about the bike really in your case, it's about his not taking any notice of you and your views and preferences.

And re babysitters, may I suggest Sitters, they're v good ime

dorito,
Just read thread to dh who is also 46 yrs next month. We have 3 dc all under 4 yrs old. Dh said that this is a mid life crisis and that your dh is trying to relive his youth.
Dh thinks it will be a passing phase and then he'll move on when he realizes that he can't regain his youth and he needs to live it through his children. Although I again that quad bike sounds silly he did end the conversation with spending more time with his sons this is your aim isn't it once she spends more time with them he will want to have more to do with them. The new jag is a man being a big boy they all want big posh cars and I'm sure your 8 yr old thinks this is cool. Mayby he can take the kids car hunting with hom they would love this.
As for you and your husband could you book a weekend away without the kids where the too of you can build on your relationship again.
My dh is in the same boat all his friends dc are teenagers or young adults and in fact my dh has 3dc from 1st marriage who are young adults. His friends ask him to go fishing all night etc and I don't say no but he has now got to a point were he wants to be with his dc whilst they are young as you don't get this time back. The more time dh spend with dc (i had to push a bit at 1st) the more he enjoyed it and he now pushes for it himself the dc love him it's daddy this daddy that and when daddy gets in from work before we do they run up garden path shouting my daddy's home and he meets them at the door with big hugs. Hope this helps when dh and I could communicate when dd1 was a baby we went to Relate and this resolved most of the issues and now were at a point in our relationship were we can sit down and talk about issues openly.

Dorito, 46 is not old to be either a mother or a father, my dh and I are both 46 (me just!!) and our dc's are 12,9 and 6. Your dh should definately be taking ds1 off fishing with him, some men are rubbish with small kids but 8 isn't small. As for the school run, get him to do it, fake an illness one morning if you have to and you can't get him to do it any other way. If he has time for HIS activities then he has to help with the dc. Poor boys, what sort of relationship does he have with his own father? When I said why don't you go away with the girls, I didn't mean your sons I meant you going away, (just like he has done on his ski tri), with your girlfriends, that way he would have to learn to look after his children. WWW I agree about the insurance! To be honest though I think you will have to discuss this with him, most men are blind to subtle hints, moodiness etc from their wives and as my sister says need to be brought to heel from time to time! Don't let him treat you as a doormat, stand up for you and your sons and get your partnership back on track. After all children learn by example......

OMG, Dorito! I've married your DH's twin brother!! Our lives are almost identical except that DH bought the motorbike and the car and doesn't go fishing. Like you, I'm fed up of us living almost separate lives so he can keep up with his hobbies while I look after our boys. He thinks that because he's made plenty of money and pays all the bills, then that's all he needs to do. He's not interested in making friends with other couples with small children and socialising with them as he prefers to go out with mates who like to do lad's stuff. It's more than annoying isn't it?

All that time on his hands and he doesn't want to spend any of it with his kids? He's going to regret that. My gut reaction to the quad bike business is that it's as if he wants to do things with his sons only if there's something in it for him. Your three year old won't be old enough to enjoy it. Bit odd really.

Why don't you force the issue and leave him for a morning or afternoon with one or other of the boys and do it regularly? He'll work out what they like quick enough and, you never know, he might learn to love their company.

My DH takes DS every Sunday. They have a dad day and it makes up for all those skiing trips and poker nights I don't get to do. And to be honest, if I'm having a crappy week I know Sunday comes round soon enough. I understand that he provides really well for you, and that you're grateful, but if he doesn't involve himself in your life at home at all then what's the point?

Just caught up with all the replies this morning, many thanks it is really good to hear other peoples points of view. There is some great advice/suggestions out there that I will definetly take on board. Also piratemum your post made me laugh, good to know I am not alone!
However last night the sh*t hit the fan! We went out with some friends, DH was drinking quite a lot, ended up making a complete idiot of himself, also insulting me and some of my friends (not the ones we were out with). We only get out together once every couple of months, so as you can imagine I was not happy. Once we got home, I really let rip, things got a bit emotional, he apologised for the insults and just said if I wanted him to leave he would. Admitted he was having a mid life crisis and didn't know what to do with himself half the time. Also said he would like to play golf a bit more and then proceeded to tell me how he hated coming home from the pub, when all his friends are there, just cos he feels he has to see me and DS's. He said he really loved the boys, but did find it hard to relate to them at times. Basically he was saying accept him as he is or split up. Obviously it is not as easy as this, have been married 15 years and cannot believe he could chuck it all away. Also, I cannot bear to think what it would do to the children, although I know they would cope. He is acting really strange and I feel like I don't recognise him anymore and certainly have nothing in common. Talked for hours but did not really come to any conclusions. I do think if we had a separation, he would realise what he was missing (eventually), but just dont know if I am ready for this. He is very sheepish this morning, has said about two words to me and now has gone on the beach to play football with DS1. Not sure what is going through his mind and do not feel able to discuss anything with children around. Also feel completely zombified as didn't get any sleep last night. Sorry if I am running on, just felt the need to let it all out!

Hey dorito, it sounds like your dh has been so detached from the family that he feels like an outsider now. He probably needs to remember why he spent all that time building up the business. Was it for his family or just for accummulation's sake?

It seems like somewhere along the line he became so consumed in his original aim of providing for his family, that achieving financial success has been the one of the main ways in which he defines himself. If he's wondering what to do with his life, he could consider achieving other kinds of success such as being a successful family man, i.e. having a happy wife and children.

He is the most influential role model your sons will ever have, so he needs to be a very good one.

I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM too and ensure that dh is very involved with our dd's. I have noticed that their best memories are of when we've done things together rather than of how much stuff they've been given.

If your dh is looking for direction in his life, I can highly recommend a book called 'Self Matters' by Dr Phil McGraw. I found it invaluable in sorting out my own issues. Also dh and I have found 'Family First' by the same author a great help in defining our family dynamic. Hope this helps and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Dorito, I'm really sorry that you're having such a bad time of it.

Talk to him when he's sober and calm and see if he'll tell you exactly what he thinks is wrong with his life. It sounds like you're pretty clear about what's wrong as far as you and the boys are concerned. Good luck.

Hi Dorito, am wondering how you are and if things are any better with you and DH after that row. I think that a lot of men have problems with adjusting to "adult life" once the DC's arrive but ours seem to have more problems getting over it than most.
I'm seeing a counsellor at the mo. and she said that he's learned his parenting patterns from his parents and is just repeating them. that makes sense as both his parents were very distant and bought him lots of toys instead of spending time with him (they also spend hardly any time with their DGC's) but it isn't what I want for my family. Sometimes he makes an effort but then slips back into his old ways. Sorry, I don't have any solutions but am empathising like mad at the moment. If I come across any helpful books will let you know but a sharp smack on the head is looking like the best option at the moment!! Take care and good luck. :-)

Well DH did apologise on Sunday in a big way, said how sorry he was for his behaviour, how he had lost his direction, how I deserved better etc. etc. Spoke to him about maybe having counselling, him being too young to retire and a few others things I have discussed on this post! Since then he has been a different person, spending loads of time with the kids, working a few longer hours (which seems to make him happier), being lovely to me and basically being great all round. I know that this probably wont last and he has just had a wake up call. However, I think he knows deep down that I am not prepared to put up with his old ways anymore. Hopefully we can compromise and both be happy, but will have to wait and see am not holding my breath though! Piratemum, it is funny what you say about them learning behaviour from their parents. DH's parent's also had their own business and did not seem to spend a great deal of time with him, maybe this is part of the problem as you say. Many thanks for the empathy - it is really kind! Also thanks for the books recommendations, will certainly look into them and give them a good read. Everything little thing helps, talking to every one here has made me see things a lot clearer and helped to put things into perspective!