Really struggling after break up

[Imnewhere1234]

Hi all I haven't posted on here for ages. In fact I think my last post was about the same relationship.

In a nutshell, I've got two teenage kids from previous marriage that ended 6 years ago. I've been in a relationship for just over two years. He was much younger than me and it was never going to work long term, but I loved him and I thought he loved me.

About a year ago he changed. I knew he had anxiety and depression (he wouldn't admit to it) and so I stuck by him, made excuses for him. He did some quite awful things to me, sent messages to my friends, broke up with me for no reason and then pulled me back in. He messed with my head a lot, but then he would say sorry and tell me how wonderful and caring I was. I know I was stupid for allowing it, but I loved him and I thought he might change.

Up until recently he lived with his parents (who hated me) and saved to buy his own place. He finally got an offer accepted on a flat in February this year and literally changed overnight. He pushed me away and then dumped me saying he just wanted to be friends. I was devastated and hung around waiting for him to change his mind. All my friends hate him and tried to tell me this is a good thing.

A couple of weeks ago I found out he'd slept with a prostutute whilst we were together and the powers of social media told me he slept with a woman last weekend. The penny dropped and I finally cut all contact with him. Blocking everything so he can't contact me and I can't see what he's up to.

I know it's the right thing to move on and believe me I want to.

So why does it hurt so much ? Why am I imagining him with someone else and why am i picturing him in bed with someone else ? Why is he in my thoughts 24/7?

I share custody of my kids with their dad so when they aren't with me the loneliness is killing me. Even when they are with me they have their own lives and I want to have a life too.

I've done some terrible things in the past and feel this is my punishment.

I can't talk to my friends about this any more because they hate my ex and think I should just forget him (they're right!) but how do I do that? There is no magic switch and I know time will help but i literally just sit and drink wine and cry when the kids aren't here. I can't do that forever 😕 I would really appreciate some advice xx

I was where you are about 5 weeks and 6 days ago! See you count the days. Every day that goes past is a step towards your future. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back and sometimes you have to step to the side for a breather but you're still moving on. One day at a time. Try and stay busy. Go anywhere you're invited to. It gets better I promise.

You need to get a grip, go no contact and, if you need it, seek help with your mental health.

You should've left him a long time ago.

A bad relationship/depression is not "penance" for past (as you see it) misdeeds. You deserve a good life and, if you want it and at an appropriate time, a GOOD relationship. This was not it. Your friends are right.

i already have help with my mental health and I'm trying to get a grip which is why i posted on here

That's good. It will hurt because by remaining "on the hook" and being in contact you're at a very early stage of the break up.

A man that treats you badly and shags prostitutes is no loss at all.

Yes, post if it helps, MNetters will tell you to maintain NC and focus on your life and finding ways to manage the pain until it passes, which it will.

Alcohol won't help at all as it's a depressant. (Been there done that!)

Gentle exercise, low key socialising, TV/films, returning to or starting a hobby or even boring admin and housework would all be better options!

Ive been NC for 6 days no going back there.

I really appreciate what the other options are but currently that's the only one that removes him from my head for a while. I struggle to do normal tasks when I'm low (I've had depression for years)

I know what I need to do I am just lost in how to get there

I swim every day that I can

Your friends are right, you're well rid.