Engagement and rings?

[user1492173460]

I've just moved in with DP with my DD.
DP overheard a conversation I had about how I'd have liked to be engaged before moving in with someone again after past experiences. We moved in together because we wanted to and he asked me, I said yes obviously and were here and never been happier.

He wasn't really evesdropping but I was on Skype to a friend in oz and he had popped up to say hi and heard, it's not an issue.

He however feels he's let me down, turns out he's asked my mum and dad and had it all planned for a significant date in the summer. He's a bit upset I think, he's asked me to go ring shopping with him on Saturday so he gets it right and I'm part of it all....
Would you say this is ok? Or am I letting down the tradition thing?

I'm feeling quite bad now! It was a flippant comment to a friend talking about relationships as hers isn't going great! Wasn't any reflection on DP, was more of a can't believe I've found him and feel so secure thing.

Go for it!

I didn't go ring shopping with my DH, but we had a look at some rings together online so I showed him what kind of rings I like (I'm not a huge fan off the "classic" engagement ring style).

He did ask my parents for their blessing, because it's tradition and it's important to my parents. It was just for their blessing - not for their permission - and there's no way they would have said no!

I wouldn't give a flying fuck if I was the only person ever to go ring shopping with their partner.

(as it happens, based on my recent trawl around Birmingham's jewellery quarter, most people go together)

OP, please don't live your life not doing what suits you because of some random idea of "tradition". As a PP said, you've rather dispensed with tradition by moving in anyway. Presumably you're not waiting until your wedding night for sex either

DH chose my ring and surprised me with it (he actually got down on one knee with a slice of Mr Kipling's lemon cake, which was pretty much the most ridiculous proposal ever) but you do whatever makes you and your DP happy, regardless of other people's opinions.

Wow Op I can't believe he hard time you're getting here! I think that it was a lovely thing to ask your parents - yes that might be traditional and some might think it out dated but most people I know still ask for a blessing, yes even the ones living together. In fact my ex that I had lived with for years took my parents out for coffee and asked them before he asked me and I was quite touched that he valued their acceptance of him. It's not about you not knowing your own mind, it's about being accepted as part of the wider family. Some people might not like that and that's fine for them, for you it meant something and it clearly felt right to both of you and that's all that matters. Ignore the harsh comments some PP have thrown your way.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way re the ring - you could do casual ring shopping and then he can go back or you might have a very specific idea. I found in the end that I didn't care what the ring looked like specifically (I thought I would!) it suddenly became this thing that someone loved me enough to want me to be a part of their lives forever and they wanted the whole world to know. But I had dropped a lot of hints about the type of ring I liked so maybe that helped ;-)
Either way, congrats OP - Its wonderful that you have this person that loves you enough to ask and that respects your family enough to ask for their blessing - I know it's still pretty early but I wish you both every happiness

Oh, and don't worry about having found out his plans. He sounds lovely being so concerned that he has somehow let you down - he clearly loves you very much. It's unfortunate that he hasn't had to keep it a surprise but maybe this is a good time for you to try and surprise him with something - I'm sure he knows how much you love him too but just like the proposal, there's nothing wrong with a little surprise or gesture to remind him that you appreciate him too :)

Thank you for the lovely posts for the posters that got where I was coming from it really means a lot :-)

Many of my friends went with their now husbands ring shopping. Others were asked to choose styles etc they liked so their partners had an idea. I've got my fiancées grandmothers ring so no need to shop but i don't think it's weird at all. Really try and ditch 'supposed' from things to do with engagement/marriage, you'll be a lot happier if you just think about the two of you want & no one else (especially when it comes to wedding planning).
Also, congratulations! x

I'd be wearing it every day so absolutely want to choose it (I did).

Nothing wrong with that.

Go and have a lovely day ring shopping. Your DP sounds lovely and it sounds like you both want the same thing. I think it must be quite stressful for a guy to choose a ring. It's a big expense and they must worry that you wouldn't like it so I think it's the kind thing to do if he wants you to help choose. It's one less stress for him when he proposes and you know you'll get a ring that you like that you will wear for the rest of your life. Enjoy. I love these kinds of posts on Mumsnet

I got engaged over 30 years ago and we went ring shopping together. I don't know any woman who didn't pick their own ring. mind you we didn't have a big proposal scenario, we just decided to get married. Do whatever makes you happy op.

XH proposed over the phone, on his way to work abroad for 6 weeks, and told me to go and look at rings and choose something. So my best pal and I did exactly that! When he returned from abroad, he proposed 'properly', down on one knee in a restaurant and the next day, we went to buy the ring. He wanted to buy me a bigger version of the one I had chosen, but it was far too big for my hand and I would have been scared to have worn that amount of money on my hand every day.

congratulations on your engagement when it happens. I, too, think it is lovely that he has asked for your parents' blessing.

Ahh congrats op

This really is one of the oddest of threads.

It is very, very, very, very normal for the woman to choose the ring she is going to be wearing.
I can't believe that anyone who is old enough to have a child, to be living with someone and to be getting married is really asking if a shop assistant would think it odd that she is there when buying a ring that she is gong to wear .
Even if they did - which they won't - then what does it matter???

Out of me and my friends I think most of us chose our engagement rings. When me and my partner were discussing our future and marriage, I actually told him that if he proposed that I would like to chose my ring. It's something that you're going to wear every day and I really wanted to love it (and I do!). The shop assistant won't think it's odd at all.

And I think it's lovely that he asked for your parents blessing, my partner did the same and it meant a lot to me.

Very exciting times for you!

BackforGood yes, the whole cluelessness is a bit

Thank you for the nice replies.

As for the ones being a bit , I don't know why.
Mumsnet really is a strange place these days

Yeah, MN just isn't what it used to be, is it?

Wow some people are so bloody rude!! I think it's lovely that he asked your parents and also wants you there as he values your opinion.
Ignore some of the comments, Mumsnet has a habit of making you feel worse about a situation because of some of the people on here!! Xx

Thank you Laura.
I was just looking for some perspective on a exciting time for me

And so it should be! Ignore the negative comments. Congratulations! I hope you find the perfect ring. x

Your DP sounds lovely I don't think it's breaking with tradition to go ring shopping together, it sounds romantic to me and the best way of ensuring that you get a ring you both love.

"DP overheard a conversation I had about how I'd have liked to be engaged before moving in with someone again after past experiences."

That clearly doesnt sound great for your DP does it.

And DP and I went shopping together for the ring. My parents did it, as did DPs as did my grandparents. If only because you really didnt know that they were going to say yes or not to the proposal so the ring was a bit of a risk if bought beforehand. So whilst TV and films might show a ring being bought before, its mostly couples who live together anyway. Or from a background where money is less of a problem.

Also, I am confused that there is now going to be a proposal, given that your careless chitchat has blown the surprise out the water. What is the point of waiting now? Its not going to be a surprise and you know what the ring will look like and you know that you cant even phone your parents in excitement because they already know.

Just accept that you are now engaged and go by the ring. Laugh about it in 40 years and stop worrying about antiquated traditions.

Lots of things that are supposedly "traditional" have in fact been made up in the last century (or even the last few decades) to make hapless couples spend more money on their weddings. For instance, De Beers popularised diamond engagement rings. Do what feels right to you, it's your engagement, it will be your wedding and your married life, so what matters to both of you is much more important than what anyone else thinks!

It's just a film thing! In my experience, most people choose an engagement ring together, because it's a ring on your finger for the rest of your life so get one you really like?