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Original poster

DP & passive aggressive strop about sex

50 replies

Gertrudeisgerman · 14/04/2017 09:25

I posted recently about DP's ED and my self esteem and got some good advice. So thought I'd ask for thoughts on this situation.

Last night DP initiated sex as usual. It was very late (after midnight) and I'd had 2 bottles of beer and a rough week at work so I was wiped out. DC's had gone to bed late too so, yes very exhausted.

I started to respond to his advances and all was fine but then he asked me to do something to him but it was very apparent he was completely soft. I persevered for a short while but then gave up. I was knackered and just couldn't face it and asked if we could stop and just have a cuddle instead. He got up grumpily, swore and slept on the sofa.

This morning I'm Sad. I don't know what to say or do? Should I just ignore the issue? Thanks for listening to my moaning. Completely stuck in the mud with this.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2017 11:49

Pride - and maybe fear it's only real if the GP says it is? - is stopping him from owning he has a problem, so you shouldn't be made to feel at fault.
It's already an issue, isn't it.
You're not living together so he can strop off home leaving both of you frustrated and upset after what was meant to be a cosy weekend.

Telling you he's not had this happen with previous partners was a dig, it isn't something you can check up or get corroborated is it.
You mention lifestyle factors: does he smoke? Fond of a drink?
Is he frequently masturbating, with or without porn?
Is his caffeine consumption high?

Sorry it isn't shaping up to be the holiday weekend you hoped for.

Ellisandra · 14/04/2017 11:54

His ED isn't personal to you, no.

It's not your fault and - to some extent - it's not his. It is his fault if he won't go to the GP, won't make lifestyle changes and tries to blame you - nasty.

So his ED isn't personal to you - but his attitude is. I would have made initial concessions for embarrassment, but very limited. He's a shit for blaming you.

I'd dump him not for the ED or even for his lack of action - but because who needs a boyfriend who treats them like that?

gamerchick · 14/04/2017 11:55

It's far more comfortable for him to blame you rather than face up to it could be his habits to blame. This isn't your fault and to say it's just happened with you is a low blow.

41 isn't old and he's too young to put up with ED. I admire you for trying tbh, if I was as knackered as you sound to be there's no way a bj would have been on the cards, much less chew on a soft dick for 'as long as it takes' Confused

AhYerWill · 14/04/2017 11:55

Ffs you said no to sex and he threw a temper tantrum. So what if he has ED? he is not entitled to sex if you aren't up for it. He overstepped a massive boundary. I don't give a shit when or why I say no to sex, anybody that doesn't accept my decision gracefully would be out the door before their feet hit the ground.

scaryclown · 14/04/2017 11:58

Sorry I phrased that badly, I was trying to get at the thing that hides behind all this. I'd guess its not about attractiveness or technique, or even drinking/smoking (though they will feed in to it of course), its about wanting something with your brain when your body is going 'ffs sleep NOW' - that applies to both of you...

He WANTS to be aroused and fucking, in theory... just like you might lie in bed and say 'you know I'm going to make an amazing hot chocolate before I go to sleep' and then just don't because the kitchen is miles away etc etc etc.

Now its becoming pressured, every time you are together in bed its going to be 'try it now, try it now' .. which if it were me would make ne so depressed and bored and resentful of going to bed, it would make it worse.

Are there any likely major sources of worry - lost jobs, family illness, low status, debt, lack of communication, etc etc??

HappyintheHills · 14/04/2017 12:04

So if he sees the GP they will tell him he should address the lifestyle issues and he doesn't want to hear that?
They may also prescribe ED meds which would probably help.
It's not you it's him and if he's not able to see that you'd probably be better of without him.

Thephoneywar · 14/04/2017 12:06

What were you doing to etc him hard? Were you just using your hand or going down on him or something else? Was there intimacy between you two at the time? Kissing and caressing?

Are the lights on or off? Is he inside his own head self aware how long it's taking and worrying and feeling shit.

There have been time when my dh is doing something to me and it just doesn't work and I can't get going.

Do you talk during sex acts? Is it all elephant in the room ED pressure or is sec light hearted and fun.

Is the sex act routine. Lights off, lying down on bed not communicating or is it more spontaneous and fun?

AhYerWill · 14/04/2017 12:07

Reread my post - the ffs was aimed at the posters suggesting you should be more sympathetic to his ED. You were not in the wrong. He sounds like a grade A fuckwit, and no-one should EVER be made to feel bad for not wanting/stopping sex when they don't want to carry on. The fact that he's carried on his narritive of it all being your fault this morning just goes to show he's a twat.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 14/04/2017 12:13

Oh dear Gertrude it's the calssic it's your fault he can't have an erection.
Why blokes do this I do not know.
me, I'd have it out with him and give him right shit for having a tantrum and ruining your weekend with his shit.
But then I'm divorced twice so what do I know?
I only know that I don't take shit like this from anyone. I'd rather be single than put up with it.
I remember on numerous occasions my 10 years younger than me ex couldn't get it up and it was massive drama. I just used to turn over and say talk to me again when you've got over being a giant toddler Grin
It's shit for you though.

Naicehamshop · 14/04/2017 12:22

Yes, of course - it's ALL your fault, op.

Not.

He is refusing to take responsibility for something ( which may well not be his "fault") and is instead putting all the blame on you.

No. This is not going to work. Not because of his ED but because of the way he deals with problems/difficulties.

Original poster
Gertrudeisgerman · 14/04/2017 12:28

phoneywar going down on him. It was all okay, I was getting into it but then when he asked me to do that and it was flaccid my brain just starts on a horrible path of self hatred and shame. And shame for me is NOT a good feeling as it brings up all the familiar childhood feelings.

Do you know what? I agree with other posts who say he's a twat. He is being a twat about this. I thought about what would happen if it was the other way round and I don't think for a second I'd project blame anyone else.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/04/2017 16:58

TBH he doesn't sound all that alluring with the smoking and drinking, let alone the attitude.

What do you see in him?

Isadora2007 · 14/04/2017 17:07

What an absolute arse- blaming you, his age and everything except his own actions.
My husband was 42 when we met and is 52 now and I can assure you he has never once been flaccid when we have been intimate. If I even mentioned having it in my mouth he would be rock hard... I would be mortified if I was down there and it went down..

You are well shot if he cannot be kind to you and own this issue himself. Tell him to take his flaccid cock and be gone!

happypoobum · 14/04/2017 17:49

He sounds dreadful - just bin him off and have a lovely time on your own.

He has told you categorically he has no intention of addressing his issue and wants to make it your issue.

Fuck that!

Jesuswepthelpmeadvise · 14/04/2017 18:00

What did he honestly expect? That you'd keep going until when? Does he have a time frame?
Surely if he has ED and you're trying to arouse him, the longer it goes on, the less likely it is to be successful because he'll be becoming frustrated with himself for not being able to?

Jesuswepthelpmeadvise · 14/04/2017 18:02

Oh and 41 is not an age I'd associate with age related ED tbh.

worriedmumtoteen · 14/04/2017 18:03

OP, my dh is 54. He has never had ED issues (touch wood) Grin. It's not age related!

shhnamechanged · 14/04/2017 18:25

Name changed for this one.

DH has had problems in the past, being too hot was a factor. Following by performance anxiety after it happened a few times.

I felt it was me, that I wasn't attractive enough, he didn't fancy me etc and it really impacted me.

We had a few conversations and what worked was no pressure to have piv, just concentrating on touching each other. Eventually he was fine again but the key point is he has to be willing to try.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2017 18:56

Bin this man. Straightaway. He's an arsehole who doesn't like women very much, and he probably started a relationship with you because he could tell (on some level) that your previous bad experiences have made you likely to blame yourself when someone mistreats you.

Yes, a couple can have good sex without a male erection; PIV is not compulsory. But it sounds as though 'sex' was just you trying to get his limp dick hard, for ages - which can't have been any fun for either of you.

He really sounds far more trouble than he's worth: dump and move on before he gets his feet under the table for good.

Pauletyea · 14/04/2017 19:05

I think he sounds like an emotional sadist who gets off on putting the OP through a weird emotional experience. He knows the problem is HIS yet he's trying to subcontract it to the OP and "blame" it on her. Dump him and his flaccid member to enjoy themselves together.

TheTabardOfDoom · 14/04/2017 21:14

My DH is 62 and goes like a rattlesnake so it's not necessarily to do with age OP.

StandAndBeCounted · 14/04/2017 23:07

Lol @ goes like a rattlesnake

Fairenuff · 15/04/2017 12:02

You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves and blames you for something that is out of your control.

Bin him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/04/2017 12:29

🐍 👀

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/04/2017 12:30

I see 2nd binning him, he's a cock or not as the case maybe 💐

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