Am I emotionally damaged?

[BackInBlack78]

Hey! I posted on here back in January under a different username, had left my alcoholic boyfriend of 4 years.

I'm not sure if I'm posting for advice or a hand hold to be honest...

I'm still in love with my ex and it's causing me massive problems. I'm not eating or sleeping and it's taking all my effort to just carry on with life. I arranged to go on a date to try and force myself to move on, was looking forward to it then discovered he was married so I never saw him again.

Since then I can't seem to find many men attractive, if I manage to find one I quite like, I seem to look for a stupid reason why I shouldn't be with him (like his smile isn't that nice, the way he texted 'could of' annoyed me etc etc). It's taking all of my effort not to text my ex to try again, as at least this ache will go away and I know he'd take me back in a heartbeat.

Am I just emotionally damaged? Will things ever get better or have people been through similar? I'm hearing how pathetic I am right now and feel a little horrified

Thanks in advance for any advice

Maybe you're just not ready...how long since you split?

Because if you just split with him in January (or was that the posting date?) then I would say you need more time to heal, before you can move on.

We split in December, between Christmas and New Year

You only split in January after a 4 year relationship. It will take longer for you to heal and recover, your head might be telling you to be over it, but I don't think it works like that. I don't believe in the term 'emotionally damaged'. It implies that there is something wrong with you. But there isn't. You need time to recover your sense of self again. We can be wounded and carry those wounds within us, but I believe they add to our experience not detract or make us damaged. You'll get out there when you're ready.

Ok, so it's still quite early days, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. Don't write yourself off as being damaged, particularly at this stage. Things do get better given time. Trite but true. Sounds like maybe on some level you are not ready to move on? Is X doing anything to address the addiction? Might a way back be possible if you were seperate whilst he addressed it?

Damaged implies a permanence, maybe injured is a better description. You need time to recover, for the raw wounds to heal. You may be left with scars, but you will heal. Scars are part of who we are.

Give yourself some time love.

He texted after we'd parted promising me the world and he made an appointment with the doctor, agreed to go teetotal etc. Within 2 days he'd had another drunken bender and cancelled the appointment at the doctor - I confronted him about it and got "well it's all about moderation isn't it?" This is the guy who thinks a moderate amount of alcohol is 10 cans of lager and a whole bottle of Jack Daniels...

He's full of shit. He's an addict in active addiction so can't be believed. He'll use any justification. I'm not saying this to be judgemental of him by the way, but in my experience it's true! He definitely needs help but he's the only one who can take responsibility for his addiction.

So he hasn't invested in changing things then. Despite it causing the break-up... Sorry OP, I think it sounds like the drinking is more important to him. Without seeing evidence of change, I would be writing off any chance of getting back together.

Sounds to me like you don't know how to be you without being in a relationship. You don't need to rush into being with someone else. The feelings you have for your ex are not about him as a person but the feeling of being in a relationship with someone. You don't need that vilification, take some time to just be 'you' yourself x

I spent 3 years alone before getting into a relationship with him... we were friends for 11 years, but his drinking got out of hand, hence our split. I'm not afraid of being alone, I think in a way I want a distraction from him - which is totally unfair on another man

Set the bar as high as you like, OP. It is hard to move on, but I hope you find your own level to get to the next stage. Don't be afraid to be in your own for a while. Kiss a few frogs if and when you are ready. But don't look back - you dodged a bullet.

SuiteHarmony I suppose deep down I know I dodged a bullet but sometimes (like tonight) I just feel this intense sense of loss for the relationship I thought we had, rather than the reality of the situation...

Sure. Perfectly normal. And well done on recognising this. You will resolve this into some sort of acceptable context for yourself. It will take time. It is perfectly okay to grieve and reflect on the loss. It will galvanise you for knowing what you want next in life. Don't be afraid to hibernate until your head clears. Be nice to yourself.

I'm just gonna do everything I can to occupy myself and not think about him if I can help it. I have work and other issues to concentrate on, I'm sure I can do this, eventually!