Too soon?

[sillysaus]

I got straight into a relationship from leaving a rocky 3 yr one which I called time on

It was a friend who ive known for years
Said I wasn't ready for a relationship from the start but after spending whet I thought was innocent time with him I've fallen deeply in love with him

BUT I'm not over my past
I know I can't go back but I'm deeply sad
I lost a house and we were trying for a baby....

My new man is lovely but where we are only a few months in we see each other once a week and when we can at weekends every other when lo at her dads

It's very full on feeling wise and I'm struggling with when I don't see him I'm missing him

I'm missing having someone there to speak to have dinner with watch tv with - what I had with my ex really
I feel ever so lonely
Not that i can't be on my own and need a man -
I just want him to be with him! He says he feels the same and we just message saying how much we miss each other every night and but I feel it's unbearable

Like it's the way it has to be but then I feel I'm struggling with it

Is this normal or should I have waited and been more stable as I can't stop crying over my situation - what I've lost but i know I have a bright future to look forward to - with or without this man
We plan things to do when we do see each other
I see friends when I can
I do have a life and i work but tonight and tomorrow I'm home alone and I know really struggling

I don't know what to do

I feel a lot of anxiety too at the mo

When I see him at the weekend and when we spend time together it goes away but when he leaves or I leave his I get a sick empty feeling

I can't just end things with him saying I've rushed can I ? He's lovely and hasn't done anything wrong
He's loving and sweet and hasn't done a thing wrong I just feel I'm drowning and not in control of my emotions?!?! Like im really trying to get on but I'm struggling.....help

Yes. Too soon. The anxiety and needing the 'security' of this new man is very telling.

Your best chance of a future with the new man is to get onto more solid emotional ground.

For that you need breathing space and to be alone.

Which means NC with this man.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. It isn't meant to be.

Way too soon

I can't just end things with him saying I've rushed can I ? He's lovely and hasn't done anything wrong

Yes, of course you can. You wouldn't be ended it to 'punish' him, or as a reaction to something he has done, but because it is the right thing for you.

The fact you are even thinking like this suggests you have some stuff from your past to work through...

Thanks peeps

Well I've woken up feeling so anxious

He knew something was up last night so he texted me asking if i was ok this morning so just decided to be honest and say that I wasn't and told him how I feel which he knows some of it as when we got together I confided in him about some stuff I was feeling etc
He's just bombarded me with a load of what's app saying please don't feel unsettled ( one of the reasons why this has come on is that he is looking for a house and yesterday he viewed one and said he was going to put an offer in on it - because me and my ex had bought a house together it just felt very raw and bought back lots horrible memories - which again as I don't feel in control of my emotions I don't know why it made me so unsettled ) and he's saying stuff like o do understand but he's buying this house for possibly our future one day

I'm not sure if I should go and see someone ? My anxiety is quite bad atm but I don't know if it's just normal to feel sad after a break up as it's not like I want my ex back

I feel my heads all over the place
It feels a bit like when me and my ex first broke up
I was doing ok and thought I was moving on

Often if you have loss which you have not healed, you will transfer that to any new losses..so it's magnified.

The trigger for the house is a good example.If you had healed you would not have such strong feelings over him buying a house..it just wouldn't have such impact.

The same with the feelings of love/intimacy, if there isn't a period of loss you can just transfer your feelings of love from one person to another.Real love takes time to develop, it's takes time to have true intimacy.If it's happened straight away you may have just transferred it.

Often if you have loss which you have not healed, you will transfer that to any new losses..so it's magnified.

The trigger for the house is a good example.If you had healed you would not have such strong feelings over him buying a house..it just wouldn't have such impact.

The same with the feelings of love/intimacy, if there isn't a period of loss you can just transfer your feelings of love from one person to another.Real love takes time to develop, it's takes time to have true intimacy.If it's happened straight away you may have just transferred it.

That makes so much sense

So what do I do?

I've had a chat with him this morning about the house and explained how I feel and that it is a bit raw and I felt so silly saying it out loud! He said he has got me involved by asking me to have a look at it ( online ) asking my opinion etc and tbh he has no reasons to do any of that?! So it really is my issue and I wish I never got upset as he now knows I feel unsettled and he's probably thinking I'm really strange !

Why are you so much more concerned with what he thinks than what you think? It's very telling that having opened up you now feel 'silly'

And he is out of order saying the new house is about 'our future'

It's too much pressure. How long have you been seeing this bloke?

Just concentrate on you. He's a big boy and won't die if you put the brakes on. Better still take some time to be on your own.

I've only been seeing him a couple of months so what with me losing a house and being in a horrible relationship which he saw I guess he's just saying we can have a future

I just wish I didn't go full steam ahead as it's been full on since day 1
He said there wasn't any point in taking it slow and just do what makes us happy and that was spending time together
TBH when we are together it's lovely it's when we are apart I feel lonely and then I start feeling confused like my heads all over the place

If he's a kind, understanding man he will let you take some time out to deal with your losses. Maybe it doesn't have to be final but just time to get some counselling and come to terms with your past. If he can't deal with that then I think that is quite revealing. Good luck and look after yourself

If this man genuinely loves you he'll give you all the time and space you need to work things out. I'd be concerned if you feel at all pressured or rushed by him, especially after you've told him how you're feeling.

You won't ever be truly secure and happy in a relationship until you're secure and happy within yourself.

I don't feel rushed or pressured by him at all that's the thing

If anything I'm worried about being hurt again

I just don't know what to do....

I don't want to push him away as I really like him but I feel like I'm a mess and I need to be on my own

Some of it sounds similar to my recent experience. You need to ask him to wait and initiate a NC for a few months. If he is serious about you, he will let you have that space so that you can heal.

I found the longer I left it, the more my anxiety increased. Your instinct is telling you that you need a break to sort your head out.