time spent with non-resident father

[jayc]

I have one daughter. She is just two years old. I am a single mother although just about to move in with my boyfriend. On the whole I have had an amicable relationship with my daughter's father and hope to have one again! We had my daughter as two single people and never planned to be a couple. We both adore her and want the best for her. But we are facing some basic and serious problems and mumsnetter's advice would be very welcome. One issue is how much he sees her and how much holiday she should have with him. At the moment he has one night in the week and 24 hours at the weekend. This arrangement has been in place for a couple of months and although I feel it is a lot, I have agreed to it and feel I can live with it. I do see this increasing much over the years. Perhaps when my daughter is 4 or 5 we will change it so that he has her every other weekend. I am afraid that at some point her father will want 50% of the time with her. This is I feel is too much. I also feel its not good for her - she needs a 'main home'. What do others think about this? He wants to take her for a week's holiday in August and I've said this is too much. I am willing to allow a long weekend but I don't feel happy with more. As she gets older of course holiday time will increase. He wants equal holiday time and I don't see that as a problem when she is older but she is so young....Any thoughts on this. There is more but this is enough to start with!!

Have you got a parental responsibility agreement? Otherwise he may not be allowed to take her out of the jurisdiction without you. As you probably know, unmarried fathers have no automatic parental rights. You need to check. I have had a lot of problems persuading foreign visa officers that we have got no de facto marriage laws in this country, and no de facto divorce laws either! Do you imagine that your new boyfriend will want to adopt her at some point? Have you considered agreeing things with her father formally and for the long term, including maximum and minimum contact, residence etc, and give him the right to look after her on your death? How will you feel if he gets a new partner that you don't like?

I think a weekend away is long enough for a two year old. Im really not a joint custody person. Even though it gives equal time to both parents I think there should be main home like you said. I have a niece 11 now who started off doing the every other weekend thing with her dad and it was going fine. As time went by my sister in-laws ex wanted equal time so decided on the joint custody every other week. This did not last long. My neice got so frustrated going back and forth. One week shes with her mom and before you know it shes off to her dads. She really did not know where to call home. I personally think this is to disruptive to ther routine especially to young children. Im not saying it does not work I just think kids need to know they have a permanent home on a more regular basis. I think when a child is closer to the kindergarten years would be good time for longer visits away.

My dp has his dd to stay every other weekend plus

1 wk during xmas holidays
2 x 1 wk for half terms
1 wk during easter hols

This was the minimum amount as laid down by the family court during divorce proceedings when his dd was 2. Friends in the same situation have v. similar amounts of contact time. Hth, Mopsy

Thanks for these replys. Your neice is a really interesing case Threeangels. Mopsy, that sounds like so much for a two year old. How did your dp's dd respond when she was so young?
Cityfreak, we do have a parental responsibility agreement in place. As i understand it that does mean that he has some basic access rights but certainly not necessarily the right to equal time. I do need to find out more about this though. I think we do probably have to work out more formal agreements. I am at the stage where I think a more legalistic approach might help (although I guess this might be a omplete delusion!).

Jayc, I split up with my dh when ds was 2. Since ds was 2.5 he's been to his dads every other weekend. He's now 4 years 8 months and we still do this.

Ex Dh also took ds on a long haul holiday (India)for 2 weeks in February (lots of agreements re vaccinations, ex mil and other family went too, we spoke most days etc) and I thought it was his right to do this. Can't imagine how I'd have felt if it was the other way around and he'd stopped me taking him away, so it wasn't easy but I agreed. Ds also stays with ex dh for at least 2 weeks (tho not all at once) in the summer holidays and sometimes for a week at half term.

My house is clearly ds' main home as he's here much more often than away. Ex DH lives 300 miles away so the logistics are a pain but IMO it's worth it so they see each other. Our arrangement is entirely informal and so far, everyone seems happy with it. Ds knows what to expect and when he's going, Ex DH knows when he's having him (but is flexible if I ask him to re-arrange for any reason) and me and dp get adult time every other weekend! (no other kids)

FWIW my parents divorced when I was 4 and the 3 of us saw our dad every other weekend too. We also had the odd holiday etc with him and spoke to him on the phone often. I think we all feel that was good, looking back. HTH.

Jayc, just to add that I can't see that 50/50 split of time with ds (this joint arrangement business) would have been workable or sensible or the right thing to do in my case.

My dh has a daughter who adores him but who it has been a real struggle for him to see at times due to his hostile ex. We currently get every other weekend (used to be 3 out of 4) plus four weeks holiday (we're taking her for two weeks in France soon) and alternate Christmases. When she was two, her mother buggered off with new boyfriend leaving her with my dh. She worked with him so wanted to be on her own during the week but have her daughter at weekends which my dh agreed to (he's always been incredibly generous, which sadly wasn't reciprocated). She didn't take her every weekend - about 3 out of 4. When she was 5 she went to live with her mum and since then his ex has tried to cut down contact (to just once a month), which has been very distressing for everyone. I suppose what I am trying to say, is that fathers are parents too. Of course you love her and want the best for her, but for whose benefit are you really trying to restrict contact? My stepdaughter is a lovely girl who regards both our home and her mother's home as her 'home' and is very attached to all her extended family. Research repeatedly shows that equal time arrangements do work, and that the more contact a child has with his/her father, the happier and more successful she is likely to be - it tends to make for happier male/female relationships in future and cuts the risk of teen pregnancy etc. Very few courts give equal access time as they are stuck in the past, but it can work and a friend of mine and her ex do do this and the children are very happy with it. I admire her generosity. I don't think a week's holiday is too long. My dh & his ex both took my stepdaughter on week long holidays at the age of two. Maybe ask for it to be in this country so if she is homesick, she can come back quite easily. BTW, regarding Cityfreak's post, your boyfriend will never be allowed to adopt her unless her father died - that's just not on even in our antiquated legal system. I suppose I see this very much from the other side, though as a mother of a baby I can also understand your unwillingness to let go of your daughter in any way. However, I do think it will benefit her in the long run. Please don't start a feud with your ex - that really will upset her.

Jayc
In the scheme of things, the amount of time dp has with his dd feels like very little - bearing in mind that ex-dw has her

all week during term time & every other w/end
all 6 weeks of summer holidays
half easter hols
half xmas hols (inc xmas day, she will not alternate)
1 half term

So in reality she is obviously with her mum far more. Dd has never expressed any concern about missing her mum even at 2 yrs old; I think because the split happened at such a young age she has grown up regarding her arrangement as normal.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with a 50/50 split although I'm sure some people find it works for them - like you, I feel a child needs a sense of its 'main' home for security and stability. I am also of the opinion that it is better for both child and father if they can be with eachother for a longer period of time, perhaps less often, rather than the odd 24 hrs here and there - they need time to adjust and then enjoy eachother.

Just agreeing with Mopsy. My stepdaughter doesn't miss her mother when with us anymore than she misses her dad when with her. At two she was very adaptable and grew up feeling the arrangement was normal. She did cry sometimes going back to her mum's because she loves her dad so much. She still says she'd like more contact with him and wishes her mum would be more flexible. It's not as if a stranger wants to take her on holiday - he is her dad after all.

Jayc, I have to say that I agree with aloha 100%. My dh has 3 children from previous relationships and although we have them every other weekend and half the holidays, it is not enough for either him or them. Unfortunately like aloha we are dealing with a very hostile ex in the case of the 2 younger ones. In the us 50/50 arrangements are very common and all the studies indicate that it is the best thing for the child particularly when the parents are on good terms.
My son is 18 mo. and I have been to the us 5 or 6 times without my dh for 2 to 3 weeks at a time and he was just fine. I think a week would be fine for a 2 year old to be away with her father.
It concerns me that you speak about your daughter as if she were your possesion and not belonging to her father. If he is a good father to her you should be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be a part of her life...it is the best thing that she could have...two loving parents.

I think that when our children reside mainly with one parent and visit the other parent(when its not 50% each)we tend to worry. Mainly because we are the ones primarily raising our kids the majority of the time. I honestly don tfeel personally that jayc is treating her child like a possesion. i think she is just a concerned mom and wants to do the right thing for her dd. Any mom would especially when they are a two year old. There still like babies. Well thats how I feel. Ive been through the same exact situation 12 years ago.

I've found these posts helpful and hopefully DD's father and I are coming to a better understanding about each other's point of view. I really don't feel that I see my daughter as my 'possession'. I have always felt that she needed a strong relationship with her father and have done a lot to make this happen even at times (and there have been these times) when he was less sure about the extent of his involvement. I am very happy that he loves her and wants to spend lots of time with her. And of course as she gets older there will be longer holidays. However I guess what I'm beginning to feel is that sacrificing my relationship with my daughter isn't the answer either and would not be good for her. This seems particularly true as this isn't a situation where father and mother were living together and dd has never been used to seeing her father everyday - he has never lived with us. In this situation it would seem odd for her I think to be without mummy for long periods of time. The situation must clearly be harder to resolve peacefully where parents have both lived with the child and I have sympathy for those on both sides trying to work out 'fair' solutions which work for children and parents. I also think there isn't a blueprint which can be used in every case. Surely the most important thing for children is that parents try and resolve these things in some sort of amicable way that allows for some flexibility and human contact (rather than just contact) all round. As always the really hard thing is trying to sort out parental needs and desires from children's needs.
Thanks all.

best of luck in sorting things out jayc, love Mopsy x