Is it ok to think about my ex when I'm getting married?

[AlletrixLeStrange]

I've name changed for this one.
I dated a guy a few years ago and he ended it (EX1). A few days later I met someone new (EX2) (not planned at all), the guy I was dating before had no idea and he tried to get me back but I said no, I didn't tell EX1 about the new guy for several weeks and we didn't really talk after that until I split with EX2 and we started chatting and kissed but I got back with EX2 a little while later.
Anyway, that ended some months later and a while after that I started talking to EX1 again but nothing ever really happened.
So then I met current DP and he proposed and we're getting married late next year but I can't stop thinking about EX1 (it's been years since we even dated!)
I love current DP with everything I have and we have a great relationship, I can't pick out one thing wrong with it.
I guess my question is, is this normal? Should I ignore it and carry on and get married?

What are you thinking about when you think of your ex?

I don't know really. Just that it'd be nice to chat to him. Although I do sometimes wonder if we could ever be together.
If I'm with my DP at the time I just look at him and I'm fine, I stop thinking about it, but if DP is it work or out my mind wonders.. maybe I just need a hobby.

If you have any doubts, don't get married.

We'll do you really think it could work? And is there any reason to suspect ex 1 has similar feelings?

I think it's okay to have emotions around an ex - I still get upset when I think about one of mine and I think that will take a while to fade (if it does completely). I don't think it could work with him though - I just feel sad (in a way) that it didn't and we will settle down with other people.

If you'd said you were having doubts about your relationship my advice would be different, but as it is I think this means nothing. Our minds can play devious tricks royally screw with us sometimes - especially with matters of the heart.

It doesn't always mean anything, it's quite normal when you're about to embark on something big and new with someone that you'll start to reminisce about all the "might have been"s. I do it sometimes even now when some hyper-romanticised version of my exh pops into my mind and I wonder what my family would be like were it with him... But then I remember my thoughts have a mind of their own sometimes and they're not always to be trusted. Exh was a total fucking twat and we were miserable as sin, but even if he weren't it would still just be my head fucking with me.

If you know in your heart you're happy and where you're meant to be, don't be dragged in by the past. It makes promises in the rosy window of your mind that it can rarely deliver.

I should add, I do also think about the good exes too and wonder... But I know I have a wonderful relationship and a happy life, so if ever I got the chance to see them again I wouldn't. Not because I wouldn't want to, but rather because I would. I think that's pretty normal.

@Kittencatkins123 I don't know if I'm honest. I think maybe I'm wondering this all because we never had a chance to see if it would work because I got with EX2.
We don't talk anymore besides a happy birthday. I know he was really hurt when I got with EX2.

I think some of this is because we got on really well, even as friends and I literally don't have any friends, I have a few acquaintances I might meet 2 or 3 times a year and I'm close with my family but besides that it's just my DP. I used to have lots of friends (nothing to do with DP we just grew apart) and now life is pretty lonely and when I think about chatting to someone it's always him I think of.

I was with my ex for 8 years, and have been happily married for someone else for 5 years. I still think about ex a lot in a 'I hope he's happy' kind of way. We spent a lot of good times together and in some ways I miss him. I'm much much happier with DH though.

It's hard if there's a sense of "unfinished business" but you broke up with him for a reason.

Why did ex1 split up with you?

@Kittencatkins123 I'm trying to remember the situation, I think it was something to do with things moving too fast?
I was a bit upset at the time but just kinda said "alright, no worries, I hope we can remain friends" etc but I certainly wasn't heartbroken by the situation.

I've also recently joined the gym and I know he used to go there, I don't know if he still does, but every time I go I'm hoping he's there

I've literally just re read that and I sound like a crazy stalker.

I had another quite serious ex that was a bit on/off one day style unfinished business what if... type scenario. After we finally split he actually wanted to meet up with me after quite a while of no contact when I had just started dating ex 2 (the one who I sometimes feel sad about) and I said no because I'd met ex 2.
When things went wrong with ex 2 I always wondered about ex 1.

Well, guess who got in touch last year to say he needed support. Ex 1! He'd split with his wife (and mum of his kids) and suddenly thought we should give it another go.

And I'd met current boyfriend by this point and I suddenly realised all the what if stuff was total bollocks! He wasn't this amazing person, I just hadn't had closure because he'd kept popping up, on off, I could have gone and met him that time etc etc and your mind just turns that into something it isn't!

So maybe your ex 1 isn't all that!

How is your relationship with your fiancé?

@Kittencatkins123 yeah I think maybe it is to do with the lack of closure.

My relationship with my fiancé is great, like I said I can't fault any of it and I am genuinely so excited to marry him.

Bit of a drip feed (really sorry) but I'm awful at cheating, I've cheated on all my partners except current fiancé. I'm kind of scared of myself that I'll go and do the same thing here and that maybe talking about this with others will stop me from doing anything stupid.

I think that if you're thinking about this ex then maybe you shouldn't be getting married. I don't think the ex is anything to worry about though as it was a pretty feeble excuse to break up. If you'd really liked him you would have tried to stay together and vice versa.

However, if you're happily engaged to someone you love then you shouldn't really be wondering and singning onto a gym that you think he still goes to. Is there something missing in your relationship do you think?

Maybe you just need closure. Before I married DH, I contacted my ex so I could be sure of my feelings for DH. It helped.

The fact that you've always cheated in the past and that you're now thinking about your ex as you're about to marry someone else makes me wonder if you have a tendency (unconscious perhaps) to sabotage relationships.

Alletrix - I'm in the same boat. New BF is the only serious partner where that hasn't happened (and like you I really don't want it to. But I also think I won't, because I feel like I was in the right place to have a healthy, gradual but straightforward relationship. I was single for quite a bit (dating people but nothing too serious) for quite a long time before I met current boyfriend and I think it helped me to both be ready for a relationship and take it seriously (i.e. Know that I wouldn't cheat on him because he is amazing and I feel so lucky to be with him).

With my exes and cheating, sometimes - ostensibly at least - it was due to them treating me badly, sometimes it was because there was no sex, sometimes it was just well, the relationship wasn't quite right. But actually, I think a lot of it was about me not being ready to commit fully to a relationship - not being in the right, healthy, happy, non-reboundy place myself to actually be able to.

Did you have much of a gap between ex 2 and your fiancé?

I think some of this would be quite easy to work through in counselling and you might be able to see Ex 1 as just symbolising something rather than having any real relevance or significance.

@Cricrichan I didn't intentionally join the gym he went to (I'm not quite at that level of crazy yet), my fiancé goes to that gym and it's the only one in our town with a swimming pool which I wanted.

@Scarlettablue I certainly do have a tendency to sabotage relationships. I'm not the most confident person and have struggled with an eating disorder for several years so I fail to believe anyone would truly want to be with me. Even with my current fiancé I sometimes think he's just with me because he wanted someone to settle down with (not that he does anything personally to make me feel that way) but he is difficult to talk to about my feelings because everybody knows me as the 'confident/strong' person that I put on as a front.

@Kittencatkins123 I don't think I actually would cheat on him. I recently ran into a guy I dated once and he tried it on and before I would've done it regardless but I said no. I was single for just over two years before I got with my now fiancé. I was a bit of a serial dater and knew I needed some time to reflect on my life choices and let myself be on my own for a bit.

Well that shows you have changed! And I'm so glad you had a decent amount of time on your own before meeting your fiancé - really bodes well.

I actually think that my ex 1 would still be a bit of a 'what if' guy if he hadn't turned up in a bit of a mess randomly (and with zero rationale) deciding we should get back together. It's just the 'what if' that keeps the idea alive, when the 'actually is' is actually quite unattractive/awful/unappealing.

I also think little wobbles are normal and not necessarily of any real significance whatsoever.

Could you look into some low cost local counselling?

I kinda know how your feeling. I had an ex contact me after many years recently telling me that he had wanted to give our relationship another chance after he had dumped me but was telling me this now years later, I think as he felt guilty for hurting me. I'm married and have been for a few years which he knows. In a way it's given meanew outlook on the situation as I know we would not have worked out but another part of me wishes he had never contacted me as it's really messed with my emotions. If your happy with your fiancé and share a great relationship then close the past and look forward to the future with your fiancé. Your ex is an ex, if he let you go for such a simple thing then the relationship probably wouwlnt have lasted over bigger issues or would have kept being on and off. He probably realises now that he lost you but that's a lesson he has to carry with him. Keep your respect for yourself and your fiancé. Don't sabatoge this relationship.

I also want to add that it's normal to still care about exes. However if your thinking about him excessively it could be because you jumped from relationship to relationship and never took the time to grieve the end of the relationships. I'm that kind of person but it catches up on you later. Use this time right now to analyse the relationship you had with your ex but try to focus on the bad aspects as your could be idealising your ex partner and seeing the relationship through rose coloured glasses. I was doing that and by reading my old journal and seeing what actually happened in the relationship, how things ended and how I felt it at the time, it opened my eyes and has helped me to process everything emotionally and logically. I still think about him and care about him but it's put me at peace and helped me with letting go what I've held on too.