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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXH words fail me. He's making me pay. Fucking hate him

28 replies

ANewDawn · 11/04/2017 17:44

still living together although seperated for nearly a fucking year. I so fucking hate him and feel sick.

He's put me off countless times, dragged things out and generally stuck his head in the sand. He thinks I'm a bully and I'm underhand.
I've finally had the divorce petition served on him and he's playing the 'poor me' stupid shit fuck bastard. I can't do anything becuase he's 'covered by the disability act' which i know is crap but i think he believes it. not sure what current diagnosois he has at the moment/is hiding behind.

So i don;t think he will be repsonding to the petition or engaging a solicitor yet because I've made him ill apparnetly. i fucking hate him. it's been nearly a fucking year and he still hasn't got a solicitor but I'm rushing him..
he's going to make me pay, isn;t he? Just for saying i want out. I can't believe he's making this so hard. It's fucking awful. I have to keep it together for the kids, who keep asking me what's happening. My 13 year old DD is confused by it all, but I stay neutral, not that he fucking deserves that. It's seriously damaging my health. I can;'t afford to move out, maybe that's what hes trying to make me do.

I'm at work and don;t want to go home but I just feel like sitting here and crying. It's the worst thing.

OP posts:
noego · 11/04/2017 18:21

Your lawyer will advise you. But carry on with proceedings. Put the house up for sale. Keep planning for the future. Every dog has his day and yours will come in the family court. Whether he has replied to letters or not, been to mediation or not. The family court Judge will make a ruling and you can hold your head up high and say you tried everything to make this as smooth as possible.

Meanwhile do not let his insanity affect your sanity.

thequeenoftarts · 11/04/2017 18:56

I know there is the advice of staying in the marital home and not budging,and that is reasonable as long as the person you are living with is also reasonable...
But is it worth it to your mental sanity and that of your children? At the end of the day it is only bricks and mortar and it will still be divided up in the divorce, he can't run from that. At present you're both in limbo, can't go back, can't move on, can't have a life. It's an extremely difficult situation to exist in.

I left, I walked away with very little but my pride and my sanity. I restarted everything and to be honest felt all the better for it, as I truly felt one of us would end up in a body bag if I hadn't left. It was more I was afraid in anger one of us would lose the plot and do something which would have far reaching consequences for us.
I would pack up everything I could when he was out, either at work or visiting friends/family and just leave. But at the end of the day it has to be your decision. Speak to your solicitor also and explain the pressure you are under.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 18:58

How will being "covered by the Disability Act" ( whatever that means) stop you from divorcing him ?

You can divorce him whenever you want. Just ignore the jerk and crack on. His power is all in his own tiny mind.

thequeenoftarts · 11/04/2017 19:04

The only good thing about his bleating about being disabled and helpless is that when it comes to custody of your kids, he may not be able to care for them, mind you that also means you most likely won't get maintenance either, so look for a bigger share of the assets in the divorce.

blackteasplease · 11/04/2017 19:26

I'm in a really really similar position OP.

Still both in the house after a year. STBXH got his head in the sand. Doesn't want to sell, doesn't want to move out, doesn't want to buy me out (except for a pitiful amount).

Seems happy to go on living together EVEN THOUGH HE HAS A NEW GF!

Only thing to do is go through the courts. He'll have to respond to the petition and get things moving.

I have an 8 year old DD who's finding it really hard too. Having counselling at school. Been in a really bad way. He doesn't seem to be bothered.

user1489780837 · 11/04/2017 19:42

black teas please:
I'm in exact same position as you only were not married.

He is basically living 2 lives. Children completely unaware. Won't move out, will only sell if it's 50/50 (whereas I'm asking for slightly more as the children would live with me. )

I've opened a savings account he doesn't know about and when the times comes I hoped to of saved a helpful amount.

He pays the mortgage, insurances and most of the bills.

I help when I can but this has become a lot less, as I don't have the money as far as he's aware ( it's going into my new accountSmile )

x

inchoccyheaven · 11/04/2017 19:47

I couldn't have lived with my ex for the 6-9 months my original solicitor said it could take to get him out the marital home so I left with kids and privately rented and you can still claim housing benefit for 26 weeks or longer if you appeal at end of that time.
It can't be doing you or dc any good living together.
As it was my divorce took 2 and 1/2 years!!

Original poster
ANewDawn · 11/04/2017 19:53

I cant afford to move out. ANd I know he'll just sit in the house and let it go to wrack and ruin and therefore drop in value. But I'm coming to the opinion that it doesn't matter anymore. I'll have to find a way to move out. Bastard.
Yep the 'Disability Act' covering him is in his own mind. I'm sure he really believes it though, even though he's highly intelligent. I'm sure someone has 'advised' him and he's twisted the fact to suit himself. He does that a lot. Fucker.
can't believe Mr BlackTeas has a GF and is still in the marital home. Christ, what a cheek. I was hoping my ex would have found a GF by nnow and attached himself to her and moved the fuck out but no such luck.

OP posts:
EffinElle · 11/04/2017 20:25

That sounds fucking insufferable, sympathies op.

EffinElle · 11/04/2017 20:31

Disability Act is about where you work or are educated making 'reasonable adjustments' and also benefits. No mention of cockwombles who refuse to move out of your house or divorce.

inchoccyheaven · 11/04/2017 20:47

I was only working 16 hours a week when i left but with housing benefit and tax credits etc was ok when I left. It was scary and I was lucky that we had some savings so i took what i could to buy furniture etc as well as getting stuff from Facebook or Freecycle as I didnt take much with us.

My ds2 has suffered anxiety and depression since we left and I dread to think what his mental health would have been like if we had stayed. My ex also suffers from depression and his behaviour was increasingly more aggressive in the months before i left.
I wish you all the best.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2017 21:25

You don't need his co-operation or his permission to divorce him. Get on to a solicitor, tell the solicitor that this man is going to be obstructive and crack on with the process. If he is the sort who is likely to damage the house out of spite, particularly if you have any proof of this (eg previous calls to the police because he was having a tantrum and breaking things) there may be things you can do to have him forcibly removed from the house and prevented from returning.

newtothiscoven · 11/04/2017 23:36

This reply has been deleted

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AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 23:41

No, you may mot

AnyFucker · 11/04/2017 23:41

*not

Vaus · 11/04/2017 23:44

I am intrigued by his 'disability act' claims. What is wrong with him exactly?

Original poster
ANewDawn · 12/04/2017 11:54

He was initially diagnosed with bipolar but apparently this isn't right. Not sure what his diagnosis is now, if indeed he has been re-diagnosed. I personally think he is borderline. He had a traumatic childhood
He has been blathering on about 'reasonable adjustments'. I know that this is for workplace etc and nothing to do with divorcing the twat but he's got the bee in the bonnet and he will not let go. And that scares me.

The solicitor has backed me up on all this so I know all my rights. I know if he kicks off again then I can get him out. He kicked off before but my previous shit solicitor missed the boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ANewDawn · 12/04/2017 11:58

I am not entitled to tax credits. I will have to find a guarantor if I rent. There is nothing coming up rental wise atm I've been looking. I'm in a village and with schools etc it would be really tricky to move elsewhere. This will change when youngest starts big school in sept though. So nothing will happen quickly. Bastard

OP posts:
Original poster
ANewDawn · 12/04/2017 11:59

Am also amassing stuff on free cycle etc. having no money doesn't worry me as I know I'll survive

OP posts:
Vaus · 13/04/2017 00:41

Really sorry you're having a crap time of it OP. There are some smug bastards that say "oh our divorce was very amicable and cheap!", they are in the minority (also people that have been together 5 minutes and own zero). As you rightly say your partner can be booted if you so desired it, I'm glad your divorce lawyer has your back. Doesn't make it easier though sometimes Flowers

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/04/2017 07:35

I think he's mentioning disability act for trying too get him out of the house, not the marriage. And legally he doesn't have too get out yet, they are not divorced and nothing has been decided on with the house.

Although Ive never understood people who want too remain in the marital home when split. I couldn't imagine having too live with my ex if I didn't need too.

Original poster
ANewDawn · 13/04/2017 08:02

Hi Kung foo - so what do you mean about disability act for getting him out of the house? I've not considered the angle on that. And I'm sure he hasn't either. I know he doesn't have to get out yet and I really wouldn't want to force him. I know he's not going to go on his own accord even though he could easily afford it. Asa far as he's concerned, why should he be the one to move out. And to a certain extent I understand that.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Off to google rented houses again.

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/04/2017 08:10

Because I can't see he how him having a disability would hinder a divorce in the slightest. That holds no weight in divorce proceedings what so ever. So I could only imagine he keeps quoting disability act in regards to the house.
Like trying too get him out/he thinks it would weight his claims for remaining in the house.

I could be wrong though.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/04/2017 08:11

Obviously him buying you out of the house, not being told you have to give it him in divorce proceedings.

nachogazpacho · 13/04/2017 11:17

I think kung-fu has it. He's going to fight you for all the way regarding the house. you will probably have to move out, take him to court and enforce the sale of the house. You can pay the solicitor bits as you go along and settle when you get the house settlement. Also, you can get housing benefit to help you but may have to pay that back when you get the settlement. The divorce happens after the assets have been split by the court. You will need a couple of months rent saved up to move out. Can a family member be your guarantor? Private renting may be a better option. Do you know anyone who is related to a land Lord?