Think DB is in abusive marriage

[packofshunts]

Posting for traffic...

Last week I posted a thread saying how pissed off I was with DB as he no longer seemed to put any effort into our relationship or with DM. That any contact or rare visits were always on his/SiL terms and he never put himself out. No reasons given - just gradual but increasing detachment.

However I have just been reading through another thread where a DM is at wits end with DiL and her apparent controlling behaviour.

Suddenly loads of alarm bells are going off in my head and rather than seeing DB as a lazy arse who for whatever reason doesn't want a relationship with his own family; I am now thinking that actually he is in an EA marriage and either doesn't see it/doesn't know how to get out.

So, from my viewpoint, here is what I see:
They met at uni and quickly moved 200 miles away to live in same city as her family. When they met SiL had just come out of a physically abusive relationship and kind of saw DB as her saviour.
Over the next 15 years he lost ALL contact with pre-SiL friends, even his best man.
He visits us/DM maybe twice a year; always on their terms. Hasn't seen any other family members for at least 10 years, although they are always at events organised by SiL's family.
We are never invited to theirs. Never rings, rarely returns calls or texts.

As far as I know he has none of his own friends where they live.

SiL constantly undermines DB when we do see them and I see how he is constantly walking on egg shells to avoid a scene. He always appears 'flat' like the spark has gone but says he's fine when asked.
The worst though is when she has a drink, she is literally vile to him - picking on him, making fun of him, generally verbally abusive. No shame in doing this in front of an audience. He will just get up and take himself off to bed rather than confronting her.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? I do know that their
DCs are his life and suspect she may make threats about his relationship with them. I haven't seen any signs of physical abuse but who knows? I don't see him enough to observe.
T
I feel absolutely floored that I've only just realised what could be happening.

Have no clue what to do. Our once open and close relationship has deteriorated simply because we have been shut out of his life and the control SiL exerts over him. They live so far away it's not even as if I can get him on his own to chat.
My fear is also that if I were to say something to him, he would totally fly off the handle and deny any problems - possibly then destroying our relationship permanently.

Apologies that this is rambling and disjointed, needed to get my thoughts down quickly

Does anyone have any advice on the first small steps I could take to broach the subject?

Whatever happens, it must be DB's decision. Be prepared to be accused of anything in retaliation. Interfering in someone else's marriage is verboten in my book.

My DF's sisters dripped poison into his ears about DM from day 1 because they were jealous of her. Over 45 years later and with one now dead, the scales have fallen from DF's eyes. Mainly because he saw the remaining sister do her best to split their other DB from his wife!

DM has really suffered over the years thanks to her SIL's "advice" to their DB.

packof Sorry you have the 'feeling that something else is going on', but apart from her having a foul mouth, where is the evidence? As another pp also asked (and you didn't reply), if he works, how is it so difficult to have a private phone call with him? He has himself told you they are busy at Easter. He knows where you live, he knows your phone number, HE hasn't been in touch with you. Do you really think he's completely browbeaten and too cowed to do anything of his own accord? If so, I would assume that meant sil had control over every aspect of their life. Does she control finances, for example? If not, he is capable of leaving if he feels he is being abused. His behaviour as so far explained by you does not lead me to believe it is as you think.
As an aside, the sister of my best friend( a long time ago) used to be quite bad mouthed about a particular family member. There was abuse in the family, but she wasn't the perpetrator. It was (I think) a kind of verbal protest in a safe, public place. Everyone acts differently, until he gives you some concrete info I would try to hold off on assumptions and jumping on the abuse bandwagon. Hope you get to the bottom of it.