Dp's family and upcoming wedding. Advise me please Mumsnet!

[Isthismummy]

I've posted about future MIL before yet here I go again...

Dp are getting married at the end of June. Small wedding of 18 guests with a bigger party on the night.

Dp's does not have a good relationship with his DM. She threw him and his younger DB out of the house when they were teenagers. I feel she is emotionally abusive towards DP and quite frankly he's scared of her.

She sent him a text on Mother's Day informing him that he was selfish, only wanted her when he wanted something and that she was sick of getting treated like shit! This charming message ended with her telling him he was on his own from now on. She also sent same message to his younger DB. I should add that DP had posted her Mother's Day card along with her wedding invite the Thursday before. Dp tried calling her, but she wouldn't pick up the phone!

We heard from his DB that she was then on phone to him the week after saying she wasn't sure if she should come to the wedding! Then apparently calming down and saying she would. It was Dp's birthday yesterday and she sent a card but that was it. No phone call or text message.

Then last night DP received a message from his DF saying that his wife isn't going to come to day part of wedding in case she "chins Dp's DM" Future PIL have been divorced for years and are both remarried.

I'm totally fed up of all their Jeremy Kyle style bullshit. DP just keeps saying he will talk to his DM at some point, but if she misbehaves on the day she can just leave...as if that's a solution!

I feel like sending them all a round email telling them that it might be better that all those who feel they can't behave acceptably on the day should stay away.

Dp says DF wife is just thinking of us by offering to stay away. Frankly I think they are all just thinking of themselves and their petty squabbles.

So stressed about it all. What do I do Mumsnet?

This isn't a MIL problem this is a soon to be DH problem and good luck keeping her away from future children if your partner isn't willing to step up. Work arounds are all well and good but if the underlying issue (your partner's poor boundaries) aren't addressed, then expect a life time of fending this woman off and the stress of doing so exacerbating your anxieties.

I have two warring parents/step parents. I told all parents straight off if you come you behave, for me, for one day. If you can't do that don't come. My chief bridesmaid was aware of the issues and she basically kept an eye on them for me. She's feisty as hell and would have kicked them both out if needed. As it was it was fine.

I found once I'd told them my expectations I felt better about it. BM as lookout was a backup so I didn't need to occupy my head with it on the day.

It definitely is a soon to be DH problem Isetan I'm horribly aware of the fact I totally agree that boundaries need to be set. I do not want a life time of this crap.

HelenaGWells Did you tell them face to face? Did it make a difference on the day? I am strongly considering doing this, but probably via email as I'm too much of a coward

Also how big was your wedding? Mine is too tiny for bad behaviour to go unnoticed.

Your DP had it right in the first place OP. But you're here now. Relinquish control of it and of the weight of expectation that this day has to be perfect. It doesn't and it probably wont be but in a way you've not even thought of yet, that you'll look back on and laugh. If you're sure you want to be married to this person then see the bigger picture. The day is not a magazine shoot or an instagram video it can all kinds of wrong and still be the best day of your life - if the marriage is right. Think about it.

I don't want an instagram wedding by any means. I've tried as hard as possible to start away from all that crap. We've not asked for any gifts, nothing. All we've asked is that people turn up and share a (hopefully) lovely day with us.

However I DO want it to be a day where people enjoy themselves and the atmosphere is a happy one. I know that bad behaviour or people causing a scene will really upset me. That is what is making me so anxious. I know you can't control people's behaviour, but I would at least like damage limitation so that the day goes as well as possible.

I have no doubts about marrying DP. He's thankfully nothing like his crazy family