VERY difficult relationship - DH parents - advice please

[fireinthetacobell]

SO, relationship with my in-laws has been highly problematic for many, many years. They were horribly disapproving of me for a very long time, behaved terribly to the point where my DH essentially cut contact with them. He hasn't seen them for over three years, and every infrequent interaction he has had with them since - over email - has been very fraught.

Without meaning to bore you all with details of what they have done, DH really struggles with this. On one hand he is the first to say they are hideous, on the other hand he seems to think he can change them and finds it so hurtful that they are so full of hatred towards us. There came a time where I offered - and it made me sick to do this - to remove myself entirely from the whole situation - i.e. they could continue a relationship with him and our DC, but without my involvement. They threw this back in his face, sent me abusive emails etc..so awful.

Problem is, DH can't seem to really accept the situation. It makes him so sad, and he is constantly trying to 'sort things out' - though it baffles me because he really dislikes them, and I won't engage with them anymore (entirely understandably). They will never change, but this is hurting him so much - and in turn, this is affecting our marriage, because he finds it impossible to communicate calmly about it, and I feel distraught, because I think - why are you grasping for the affection of people who won't give it to you, and people who have been so hateful towards your wife?!

I want to be supportive, but at the same time - I know what MY boundaries are, and what I deem to be acceptable in terms of how people treat me, and while DH is of course more emotionally tied - how can he want to engage with people who have treated him/me/us in this dreadful way?

Not sure what to do. Anyone who has been in a vaguely similar situation, I'd really appreciate your advice/experience...

He's like an alcoholic isn't he. Won't leave it alone, keeps going back to it even though it's harming him and his family.

If he won't get help for his issues , there's nothing you can do.

I'm so sorry.

Olive, that's an interesting way to look at it - he can't seem to accept the problem in so many ways. He seems to think he can change them into the parents he wants them to be. It's so confusing because even before all this crap he wasn't particularly close to them, so it's quite confusing as to why he struggles so much at this point. It's not like he misses the fabulous relationship they had before, or the support they offered him.

At this point it's almost as if he wants to be able to think he has a functional relationship with them, even if, he truly doesn't. He's said before he can't forgive them for the way they've behaved, so I've asked him what he hopes to achieve by attempting (yet again) to reconcile with them. He can't actually seem to give a coherent response - he'll just say 'but they're my parents and I want them in my life'. When I ask how he can possibly come back from what they've said and done he doesn't seem to know - it's like he actually wants everyone to pretend things are fine, which they so clearly are not.

Because so much of their blame has been directed at me, I even offered before to remove myself from the entire dynamic -i.e. they could visit DH and the kids and I would leave them to have a relationship without me anywhere near. Their response was to send abusive emails to me (they were so insane that DH actually wondered if there had been some kind of age-related mental breakdown!) - essentially, they threw it all back in DH's face, which is another example of them just not giving a shit.

I get that DH needs to follow his own path - they are his parents and it's up to him - but I'm just uncomfortable with where this could be leading. First off I don't want the kids to be around such toxic people (my eldest did pick up on their negativity towards me last time we were around them a few years ago - not good at all). Secondly I'm a bit astounded as to how DH can want to persue a relationship with people who have treated his wife the way they have. If the situation were reversed, it wouldn't be happening....

I guess what I really want advice on is this.

If DH goes to see it will turn into a giant emotional scene (we've been down this road before). DH and his parents will try to resolve to make things better, but the parents will actually refuse to apologise to me in any way or change their horrific attitude towards me. They will keep on blaming me, the evil DIL, for the breakdown of their relationship with their son.

If he continues to want to contact them, how do I get over the fact that he is willing to engage in a relationship with people who have been pretty abusive towards me?

And if I have to suck it up, what boundaries do I set? I'm not engaging with them, again, EVER. That's fine. But I'm not happy with them being around the kids, but I know that DH wants the kids to have a 'relationship' with them (god knows why, as they've already missed huge chunks of their grandchildren's lives, and don't seem to care).

Actually. I know exactly why he wants to... coming from a toxic parent myself, you are conditioned very early to please them.

Not just by the parents, but society as a whole.

He is probably thinking if only he did the right thing, say the right words and suddenly it will click for them and they will love him and his family just like all the other families do.

And society, with their mothers and Father's Day, and 'they mean well' and 'you only have one mum' comments. well meaning crap from people who can not for the life of them comprehend a mother who would abuse their child with words without a reason.

There are many here who understand his desire. Which is why we know how hard this is for him and why he is trying to reconcile... again.

Have a read of the stately homes thread yourself. It might help you understand. He is hurting a lot and he needs to face up to it, but he needs to be ready.

The light bulb moment for me was when a whole section was dedicated to other people talking about the time their mum said 'I love you, but I don't like you' just like my mum said to me when I was 13.

Made me realise it wasn't me. Wasn't anything I had done but her. All her and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Aussie I've had that said to me by my parents... thought it was just me was that section in a recent stately homes thread? If so I'll go back and try and find it for a read.

OP I'm so sorry, it's a shit situation. Bluntly, I think you do have to suck up the fact he keeps going back to people who are abusive to you... only because these people are his parents. It's such a strong pull to try and keep that relationship going, when you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else.

I think you're totally right not to engage with them yourself, I wouldn't in your situation. They sound nuts and very damaging.

But you and your DH need to sit down and decide together what happens with the kids and contact with them, given the situation. They're not behaving like normal parents, so you need to work out how you're both going to deal with this abnormal situation in a way you're both happy with.

In our case, we have very controlled limited time spent with them, in a place where we can leave at any point (ie not at our house), with the agreement that we don't talk about issues we can't agree on. We see them once a monthish, in a cafe with a playground for the kids, for coffee and chats about weather, local news, innocuous topics. Not that I'm suggesting you follow our set up in any way but just so you can see what works for other people, after a lot of discussion.

Captain Warbeck - that's helpful to hear how you cope with a similar situation, thank you. Fortunately his parents live a long way away from us so at least any contact would be fairly infrequent anyway. I'm just not sure I want them around my DC at ALL, given who they are and what they've done. Also uncomfortable with having to remove myself from them - what does this say to the DC? It's acceptable to DH that his parents treat me so badly I can't be around them, but he/they can be? Ain't a great example...

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I have been in a very similar situation, I put up with so much abuse from in-laws because my husband begged me to. However when they turned on my four year old ds I saw red! I cancelled all contact between in-laws and my dc's and warned them that if they turned up at my door, my dc's school or my parents house I would call the police. I also barred their landline number and the numbers of their flying monkeys from calling my landline and mobile. I told them I was protecting my DC and myself, however I would not try to prevent my dh from having a relationship and

I'd second Warbeck's suggestion. If DH isn't ready to accept that he is effectively better off with no parents- and that is a hard thing to accept, then he needs very limited tightly controlled meetings with them. So just him and them, in a coffee shop, no talking about you. If that is successful, he can widen the parameters a bit, maybe go to a play centre. Chances are though, that they will refuse to meet under those circumstances.

These people don't matter to you, so you don't really need an apology from them. They do matter to DH- he can't help it at the moment. He has things he needs to resolve and you can't do it for him. He needs to understand that they can't be any different. They don't have what he wants from them. When he knows that, he can decide whether he wants a limited relationship of some sort or just to go NC. My family have gone for a limited relationship with my DPs. My dad is a lovely man, just tied to my mum.

You can help him as a pp says, by giving him ideas and helping him understand things- do the reading for him. Have a look at 'grey rock strategies'.

Pickleme - thanks so much, I'll definitely check out strategies. You're right, I don't need an apology from them - but DH feels strongly that I do. I think he's going to be disappointed by them yet again on that front, but I guess I've got to accept that he needs to work it out for himself...

Rescuepuppy - so how do you manage? Does your husband still see them? How do you find this?

captainwarbeck - sorry this was a few years ago, and I had gone back a read some of the old threads linked. But if it helps, it went on for a number of pages. I just remember thinking 'it's not me. It's a script she is using to make me feel like it's me. Here are a lot of people, around the entire world, who have been told the same thing. It's all on her. And I can't change that'. Was a great feeling and really help take the guilt away.

Op- I agree that if he wants a relationship he should not include your dc. They are being taught that it is ok to disregard you and your feelings and that will bite you when they are teenagers. No relationship is better then a toxic one.

captain warbeck sorry op.

Forgot to say you could always start a post on the stately homes thread asking who else had that said to them. It might help.

But it becomes about me when DH is becoming so fucked up about it - he finds it impossible to talk about it without either shouting at me or starting to cry about how upset he is. I am becoming VERY sick of the impact his shitty parents have on him and therefore, us...

I wouldn't put up with this. On one hand it's really really bad, but yet he won't consider counselling nor read a fucking book. I wouldn't tolerate him shouting at you about it, there's really no excuse for that. What is he saying when he's shouting at you?

His relationship with them is his responsibility. In your shoes I would tell him that I would be supportive of him getting counselling but that I'm no longer going to be a sounding board for his frustrations about it so therefore the subject is closed. I'd tell him he can speak to a counsellor or shout at a male friend about it, but either way topic is closed. Just no to the whole bloody needless drama of it.

Women are socialized and expected to be the caretakers, and take on everybody else's problems. It's ok to say No to that expectation. You don't have to listen to someone whinging about a situation they're taking no responsibility for or that they don't want help with.

It sounds like both sides are not really that bothered, and considering your dh acknowledges they are hideous I'd question if on some level he enjoys being the victim.

His relationship with them is his responsibility. In your shoes I would tell him that I would be supportive of him getting counselling but that I'm no longer going to be a sounding board for his frustrations about it so therefore the subject is closed. I'd tell him he can speak to a counsellor or shout at a male friend about it, but either way topic is closed. Just no to the whole bloody needless drama of it

This.

You also need to protect your children from them. I'm bemused that you are willing to let them be abused by PIL because your husband wants it so.

They are dangerous and toxic to you , a grown adult, but your are willing to let them harm your precious kids????? That's madness .

Sorry op, I just realised you had replied. My husband has been nc for five years, he has seen his parents once in that time. He phoned to wish his Mother a happy 60th birthday, and he was told where to go for ruining his Mothers birthday by sending her flowers.

My in laws were emotionally abusive to my husband his whole life. Its taken him becoming a Father himself to realise how awful he was treated. He is full of apologies for making me put up with them for so long. We are currently reading Toxic Inlaws and I have Toxic Parents in my amazon basket. DH has had three lots of counselling to cope with our situation, he is now in a position where he regrets the need for the situation but is absolutely determined not to allow them back into his/ our lives. He refers to them as Pandora's box!

It is hard as he is such a good man, a kind, loving and supportive husband. He didn't deserve any of this. Thankfully he doesn't blame me for the situation, he has realised that the issues with his parents started long before he met me (as soon as he became independent and resisted being under their control). If it hadn't been me, it would have been the next girl. His Mother was very possessive and didn't want any other woman to have her son (she actually asked him why he needed a girlfriend when he had her....).

I agree that you should look up the Toxic Parents and Toxic Inlaws books. Read up on narcissism, golden child/ scapegoat positions within family and flying monkeys. It will be eye opening. I feel for you as I know I carried so much guilt around after we went NC.

My ex had similar toxic parents.Its actually very hard for your dh to know his parents don't like him or love him.Its a rejection of him and whilst he might intellectually rationalise it emotionally he can't process it.
He will keep going back for acceptance as it's a deep need to feel loved by our parents.

It's very tough for you to understand but it's because you have had a secure upbringing.

Sadly my ex was abusive to me.Due to this experience I can relate to your dh's actions as for a period of time I felt if I could "just sort it out" we would be fine.If I could find the right words to help him understand my feelings it would be "ok".

Only through mn and talking with family did I realise it was futile.However giving up on parents is not as socially accepted..who divorces parents? It really should be a "thing" - a legal and emotional framework to NC with abusive parents.

I suspect your dh might get there at some stage but be prepared for it to never happen.Denial of reality (of his parents) is the minds way to block out emotions that are too overwhelming for him to deal with.
It's not wise to force this without professional support such as counselling.