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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I never learn?

12 replies

harman · 09/03/2007 10:46

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ellceeell · 09/03/2007 10:57

Well, I'm certainly not going to slap you - sounds like your ex who needs it more!
Sorry, no advice, but I didn't want you to feel ignored.

budgie · 09/03/2007 11:23

'we learn from history that we do not learn from history' said GFW Hegel, very wisely in my opinion

Ex doesn't want to help you, looks like he wants your life to be horrible and you to be suffering. He is happy to use the DS as bargaining tools (or weapons) to achieve this. When you ask him for 'help' or give the impression you are struggling you give him an opportunity to punish and hurt you.

He's their df and an adult - spending time with them and parenting them properly is his duty to them, not a favour to 'help' you. If he's not doing his bit then he's the one in the wrong.
I would advise you don't ask him for 'help' any more. If you need 'help' ask someone else, if your kids need their dad to do his job then tell him that (and maybe explain exactly what that means and when it needs to happen)

good luck

harman · 09/03/2007 12:12

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charliecat · 09/03/2007 12:19

Hmmm, trying to think at waht angle you could come at to make him have the kids, but not let on that it will be doing YOU a favour...
Coz thats what it comes down to really

harman · 09/03/2007 12:28

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charliecat · 09/03/2007 12:33

Fags will NOT help...can you tell him youve got to go on a ...erm, selfconfidence building course, since hes still insisting on kicking you while your down?
Fecking arse.

lazyemma · 09/03/2007 17:25

In these situations, I think it's important to see things from both sides. It's obvious you don't get on with your ex, so you each think the worst of each other's motives all the time. Are you beyond the stage where you can try to reach some kind of mutually acceptable agreement for his contact with the kids?

If it's true that previously you weren't allowing him to see one of the kids at all, I can understand some of where he's coming from, to be honest. If nothing else, you need your own behaviour to be beyond reproach here, so that if things do break down irretrievably, you'll be sure in your own mind that you've truly done what you can to try to resolve the situation at least for the sake of the kids if nothing else.

I think you should phone him - not text - and try to sort this out. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting you need a break - he's still their father, and still has a responsibility to take on a share of the parenting regardless of the way he feels about you. Unless he's a complete bastard (always possible) a reasoned and fair approach from you is your best chance of getting him to co-operate.

Dior · 09/03/2007 17:36

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harman · 09/03/2007 18:34

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Freckle · 09/03/2007 19:28

Well, he's always been a Grade A bastard and, every time you ask for help, he is presented with an opportunity to prove it further.

If stuff gets too much, give me a call. We can always go for a walk - with kiddies - or have a coffee, etc. I know it's not the same as taking the children off your hands so you can have some "me" time, but sometimes it can help to de-stress.

lazyemma · 09/03/2007 20:37

sorry to hear that, harman: sounds a really awful situation. I didn't know the full story (of course!) when I posted so naturally I didn't realise how bad things have been.

harman · 09/03/2007 21:39

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