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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what do you think of this behaviour

43 replies

isitjustme2017 · 09/04/2017 18:53

So, my dp has always had some 'strange' ways and I've often wondered what other people would think. I will list them and would like people's opinions on whether he is abusive or just weird.

He feels the need to constantly 'torment' our youngest ds, knowing it makes him cry. Then he will moan that he's crying, saying he's only 'playing'.

He makes snide remarks about me all the time. This is hard to explain but e.g. if he can't find something he will always say "I bet you moved it". He often makes comments and remarks about me in front of my mother a lot too. He then claims he is 'joking'. He doesn't do this in front of his own family though.

He snores really loud every night and it makes my life hell. Yet, last night I was coughing a lot in the living room and I could hear him moaning about it from the bedroom. He then made a huge thing of my coughing this morning.

If I go to the cinema with a friend (very rarely), he will moan and say "god, you're always at the cinema".

He will say one thing, then completely deny saying it, causing a huge argument. He will constantly criticise my driving but does it in a sarcastic way.

If he knows something annoys me, he does it even more (often smirking). e.g. he makes his own side of the bed instead of the whole bed!!

He says really offensive things (only in front of me) e.g about women drivers or about immigrants. He never does it in front of anyone else. He says he believes in the UKIP policies and goes on about this (even though he knows I hate that) but I actually think he only says it to annoy me. Again, never said in front of others.

I'm sure there are lots of other things. Now I'm reading this back, I think I know what the replies will be.

OP posts:
Crumbelina · 09/04/2017 22:36

I'm fine now though. Smile Very happy and settled and no lasting damage. Being NC is so much easier as well.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation - I hope you get through it. Flowers

TryingToStartOver · 09/04/2017 23:42

Don't really have anything to add except my stbx who was emotionally and financially abusive used to the making his half of the bed thing, thought I was alone in that, drove me insane. He would also just wash his own dinner plate and cutlery even though we'd all eaten together. He'd put three items of his own clothing in the washing machine even though there'd be a huge pile of stuff waiting to go in. When we would go away for weekends or holidays he would put his bag in the boot of the car and then get in and start the engine, huffing and puffing and revving the balls off it if I spent too long getting the rest of the luggage and the kids in. If I dared suggest that he got out and helped and I'd be told he had been working all week and to count myself lucky we were going at all. I put up with over 20 years of that shit, of course if I ever lost it with him I was the one who was mental.

I so enjoy not living with him anymore 😃That said he is dragging out the divorce and making it as difficult as possible - don't think he can bear the fact that I am happy and he no longer controls my life. And I actually have a life now!

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 07:56

#TryingToStartOver - WOW he sounds as charming as my dp.

Can I ask how you finally left him - did you have to leave the family home? I suspect I'm going to have a good few months of hell as I doubt he will move out and we will struggle to sell our house. Fun times ahead!

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 10/04/2017 08:33

this man is a gaslighting, abusive prick. Call Women's Aid, get your kid to gp if necessary get it on record. Supervised access is too good for this man. Hopefully when you split then he will not be given unsupervised access or he won't bother at all.

MsGameandWatch · 10/04/2017 08:33

trying that brought some memories back. Ex would get himself ready and stand by the door bitching while I got myself and ds ready and got everything together for all three of us. His Mum was here once and saw him do it and properly had a got at him. Didn't change anything though. Any request was met with a lecture on how he was the breadwinner and that's how he did his bit. He didn't lift a finger round the house.

TryingToStartOver · 10/04/2017 11:48

Isitjustme, I had to get my solicitor to write a letter to him telling him I wanted a divorce as every time I tried to talk to him about how unhappy I was and how undermined and unsupported I felt he would give me a whole list of reasons why I shouldn't be unhappy, mostly material things. He was happy with his life, did what he wanted when he wanted, spent "his" money on his hobbies and drinking while I was scrabbling around robbing Peter to pay Paul just so I could keep the kids in clothes and shoes and had a wife and well behaved children to parade around when he felt like it.

I am still in the family home though I don't want to be as thinks he can just come round anytime he feels like it, but he is stalling as he wants to keep me here until our youngest is eighteen because ten I will no reason to claim for a higher percentage of the house proceeds and they will be split 50/50.

TryingToStartOver · 10/04/2017 11:50

Oops apologies for all the typos, on phone, fat fingers and didn't proofread. 😩

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 13:14

#TryingToStartOver - sounds like its been a nightmare although the relief of finally living without him must be immense. The living arrangements are what bother me. He won't move out and will just sit tight while the house sits on the market (and I suspect it will for some time). I certainly can't afford to move out and still pay half the mortgage.

OP posts:
beachcomber243 · 10/04/2017 13:43

I think the behaviour is spiteful, bullying, and aimed to provoke you at every turn, to undermine you and destroy your sons confidence. He is a nasty, unpleasant, childish individual who you need to get away from at any price.
And I sincerely hope you do and get rid of this dark, black cloud hanging over your family and a bully who does not have your interests at heart but gets off on making people unhappy.

Adora10 · 10/04/2017 15:49

My god woman wake up, he's abusing your child, torments him until he cries and you sit back and say to yourself, what, it's because he doesn't know how to be around his own son, ffs, wakey wakey, he's abusing him and damaging him emotionally.

And that's before we talk about what he's doing to you; up to you OP, I hope you can live with the guilt of what he's putting that poor kid through, disgusting creep.

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 16:07

#Adora10 - I don't 'sit back', I always kick off with him about it. And like I said, its his Dad and I can't do anything about that. He will still have to have contact with him unfortunately.

The fact I have posted on here must show I'm well aware of his behaviour and I've already said I'm poised to end things.

But hey, thanks for making me feel worse than I already do. Really helpful.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 10/04/2017 16:33

isitjustme2017 If you end things then your child will have a safe place where they feel secure. Even when they are being bullied and traumatised by someone who is supposed to care for them, it will only be once a week or so and they will be able to get away. Your child will believe that their mother will keep a safe home.

You are with someone who enjoys upsetting people. If/when you leave there will be a respite. I don't like being confrontational for the sake of it, but I can't help but agree with Adora10.

Adora10 · 10/04/2017 16:35

I knew you would react like that OP and I know I come across as harsh but I'm afraid from an outsiders perspective that's how it looks.

If you think I am harsh, then your husband is a zillion times harsher than me.

I'd say exactly the same to my own daughter if she was you; up to you what you do with the advice on here, at the end of the day, nobody knows you so you get unequivocal opinions, is that not what you want really?

I am sorry, I am not meaning to upset you; what happens to kids in the first early years of their life impacts massively on their future development.

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 17:14

#Adora10 - no you're right. Maybe that is what I need. People to tell me to get a grip and get rid of him!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 10/04/2017 17:34

Sorry OP, honestly I think you need to do something anyhow; you've probably just grown used to it, not so bad if it's just you two but when he's doing it to a small child then I think you need to take action.

I always remember when I was around five and my father said something not nice to me; it never left me and that was once, I can't imagine if it was happening regularly, that's what your post made me think of.

Summerof85 · 10/04/2017 19:30

The OP said she is going to do something about it, she said she wants to leave him.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 10/04/2017 19:39

Why are you with this stupid twat?

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 19:46

Who knows? When you live with a master manipulator it becomes the norm. I often question whether its me or if he is even that bad (he is). When I first met him I was emotionally immature. I moved to be with him so when he first became 'weird' I didn't want to leave as I had no friends or family support network (pathetic I know).

Then I fell pregnant (unplanned) so didn't want to leave and be a single mum. We had another baby a few years later ( he wasnt anywhere near as bad then) (or maybe he was?) and then I couldn't leave as I felt I couldn't cope with the 2 kids on my own (youngest ds is rather a challenge).

The pathetic reasons for staying just continued. Maybe now I'm in a good place, older and wiser and finally seeing him for what he is.

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