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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Discovered possible evidence that my DH had an affair

20 replies

losty · 09/03/2007 10:25

Over the past few years I have suspected that my dh has had an affair. (He works very long hours and is often out and away from home). But on the times when I have suggested it he has always denied it and I put my over sensitive feelings down to my own insecutity. And most of the time our relationship is fine.

Last night I found an old mobile phone so put a new battery in it and switched it on. There were lots of great pics of my DC on it so I was looking through them all. When I tried to send one to my new phone I discovered text messages from someone I have never heard of back and forth to my DH. They were not sexually explicit - but very close to the mark. They obviously knew/know each other very well. It could have been 'harmless' flirting - but even so, if that is 'all' it was, I dont think it is right.

I dont know what to do. The messages were all from 2004/2005. Should I ignore it? (DH is on a business trip atm so I havent spoken to him). Should I put it out of my mind and pretend I dont know anything about it? Or should I let him know I have read them?

TBH my gut reaction is to ignore it. DH has chronic health problems and is about to start his cancer treatment. Our DSs are also not in the best of health and we have plenty of other cr&p in our lives without yet another thing. But is that really the answer???? Last night I was angry and hardly slept going through it all. Today I am in a couldnt care less frame of mind. I dont know what to do......

OP posts:

tracyk · 09/03/2007 10:31

Let it go. But be vigilant from now on.

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 10:31

thanks - what do you mean by vigilant? check his phone etc etc etc???

OP posts:

colditz · 09/03/2007 10:32

It was 3 years ago... my instinct would be to let it go... but

I would also check that business trips are only that.

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 10:33

but how do I check???

OP posts:

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldinghands · 09/03/2007 10:35

This is just me, but I think I would have to say "what can you tell me about these texts messages?" while I held them aloft; regardless of all the other stuff going on in day-to-day life. I am a face the music sort of person, however hard it may be, and this is not brave, sometimes its downright inadviseable. But I would torture myself if I didnt say anything so I'd have to go ahead and bring it out in the open.

But that's just me. If you can stay in the "don't care less" mode maybe you can put it behind you and concentrate on the future which is much more important than what has happened in the past.

ScummyMummy · 09/03/2007 10:37

Sorry to read this, losty. Poor you- it must feel horrible to suspect that your husband has done this but be almost unable to confront him because of his health and other family stresses. It sounds like a very complex situation given your husband's illness and life feeling difficult day to day. I guess you are right to go with your gut unless you fear it will burst out of you during an argument or something. Do you think it would help you to talk to a counsellor? It really sounds like there is a lot going on for you and the family at the moment and maybe if it is not a good time to confront your husband it will be important to have a different outlet for expressing your fears and sadness about this and getting some support?

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 10:38

having just read another thread I think I shall put it out of my mind (how?) and concentrate on the future not the past. Godo advice shiny thanks. Feeling sadder than ever now tho

OP posts:

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 10:40

x posted scrummy - thanks - yes I need to. but again, how is the hard part. I'm going to take my upset and anger out on the housework now.

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 09/03/2007 13:07

Losty, I agree with Shiny FWIW. I couldn't live with the knowledge and wondering whether I was reading more into it than there really was. I agree with you that even harmless flirting is not on, so it really looks like something was going on that you would not have tolerated at the time if you had known about it, so why pretend you know nothing about it now? Is the other person the person you told me about before or someone else?

I have not been in touch with you enough lately to know about dh's cancer treatment () but it is as if you are implying that he is going through enough at the moment and couldn't take a confrontation about these texts. Well, maybe he can't. Only you can judge. But I would still want to have it out if it were me. Just because you ask him about it, doesn't mean you have to be confrontational or putting him under extreme stress. You could ask and say it didn't matter, you forgive him, but at least you would then know the truth rather than living with this doubt which might eat you up.

But then, I have to admit, I am a very confrontational person, as you know. You must do what you feels best for you. Good luck with it.

lulumama · 09/03/2007 13:09

losty

i would do as shiny has said..but as it was 3 years ago, hopefully move on

might be a really good catalyst to talk and work through things

didn;t know DH had cancer

really sorry, ((((((((hug))))))

kittylette · 09/03/2007 13:13

i didnt know your DH was ill

TBH i couldnt let it go, id have to ask -id be forever wondering

((((( ))))

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 19:04

thanks for your kind words.

DH doesnt have cancer. Well not yet anyway. But his ilness requires the same drugs.

Feeling v 'ok' about the text messages now. (Possibly because the DSs are in bed and the wine is open ) I think I wont plan to talk to him about it just yet - but will definitely bring it up at some point just so I know - but wont make a big thing of confronation about it.

OP posts:

beanie2bump · 09/03/2007 19:14

if it was mean i would have to talk about, it , i am terrible if i have something on my chest , i think you have done great not going mad so far, and well done for giving yourself time to get your head around it, enjoy your wine, good luck with whatever you deceide

lilybubble · 09/03/2007 19:18

I would let it go too, and like others have said, stay vigilant for further signs. It does sound like you have enough on your plate at the moment.

Even if, in a worst case scenario, he was having an affair, it would seem that it's now over and he has chosen to stay with you.
It could very well be that it's just banter though. I know my dh can sometimes get a little close to the mark with a couple of his female friends / colleagues and it's hard to understand the tone of a text or email.

Try not to worry too much and focus on the future would be my advice. Best of luck with your dh's treatment, hope you are all doing ok.

Troutpout · 09/03/2007 19:23

So sorry you sound like you are having a tough time Losty ((hug))
I'd have to say it...despite everything else....it would end up eating into everything

Greensleeves · 09/03/2007 19:25

I agree with Shiny and DG too, I would have to get it out in the open, even if it meant grovelling and making amends for poking around on his phone. I have a horror of secrets in relationships, they fester and grow. Better to lay it all out now and have a row if necessary.

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 19:26

thanks again. I am ok tbh. Well I am atm. I go up and down like a yo yo. Other times I am most definitely not ok.

Now I must find some supper or this wine will get to me too soon.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 09/03/2007 19:40

losty - sorry to hear about this added angst

Personally I would confront dh about text messages on his phone if I thought they were suspicious - since I wouldn't be able to put it out of my mind. It would fester and fester... I would consider it a small price to pay to take the rap for his irritation at having 'snooped'

I'm not talking hypothetically here - I have looked at dh's phone before and I have questioned him. He was mildly put out ...but was also able to give me a plausible (and credible) explanation making my concerns evaporate

Original poster

losty · 09/03/2007 20:07

did I not say? it was my phone... I dont know how those messages got on there. He must have borrowed it or used it for a period of time after I had 'upgraded'...

OP posts:

Original poster

losty · 12/03/2007 07:54

v briefly because I am rushing to school, dh came back late last night. I didnt contront him. I couldnt bring myself to. I will talk to him about it, but wont plan to IYKWIM. When the time is right I will bring it up - in a non confrontational way. Just so that I know for sure. And then deal with the consequences and how it makes me feel... or

OP posts:

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