XP trying to take over custody

[Janos]

This is probably an unusual problem for here, as there seem to be lots of XP/Hs who just don't give a toss, pr aren't interested so please bear with me.

My XP is the opposite and I don't quite know how to explain it without sounding like an utter idiot.

Basically, we have a 2 1/2 year old DS who I love more than I ever thought possible.
I think my XP is trying to take over full custody. Like I said above it's really hard to explain it and he is very subtle about undermining me...he is very controlling.

For example, if we go to mediation he will 'manipulate' things around so that they suit him (I'm trying to think of an example). Like I'll say 'I think we should have a more formal agreement about when DS spends time with each of us' he'll agree and then 'forget' about it, or say 'no, no, that's not what we discussed at all'. (Realise this all sounds a bit nebulous). If I then try to enforce (OK bad word but couldn't think of another one to use) rules then he makes life so unpleasant. Also if we go out together with DS (he likes to go out together as a family and its nice for DS)then he takes over and I hardly get to cuddle/play/eat/run around with DS.

I feel as though I'm treated more like a glorified brood mare than DS's mum.

Anyway, if anyone can offer advice then I'd be very grateful. Thanks for taking the time to read through that mess!

If he is your XP and you have no intention of getting back with him I wouldn't be going on days out together. It's probably not that nice for your DS to see you being pushed out ( even if he's little he will pick up on atmospheres and tensions).

Why not just agree access for XP? ( Sorry if i haven't understood what point you are making)

Thanks, I think you are right about the access and not going out together with DS, but I feel guilty and find it hard to say no when he suggests it. I think this guilt stems from the fact that I ended the relationship.

What I'm trying to do - 'formalise' things between us. I've previously tried to do this through mediation but think I will need to go to a solicitors so that he will take notice.

Just wanted to add, I certainly have no intention of getting back with him.

Don't let him control you anymore.

You obviously ended the relationship for a reason.

I agree that you should stop the days out with him. Make his time with ds be about the two of them, and your time with ds about the two of you.

Perhaps anything you agree from now on should should put into writing at the end of the session and both sign or something?? (Not sure if that's too OTT?) But I have experience of people like him and they so quickly talk themselves out of things and make you doubt yourself. Do whatever you can to formalise things in writing so he can't lie or change what was agreed, and do your best to stay away from him so that you keep control of the situation.

You understand the importance of ds's relationship with him which is great - but you sound better off without him TBH.

xx

"But I have experience of people like him and they so quickly talk themselves out of things and make you doubt yourself"

Thank you littlestar that is exactly what he's like.

He really makes me feel like I'm going mad at times.

Janos if you were not married then he has ery few rights.
Try the CAB and make formal arrangements.

I completely understand. It's so frustrating and demoralising (sp?).

FWIW none of us need people like that in our lives. We need people around us who will make us feel happy, content, special - not worthless and full of self doubt.

The good thing is that you can see what he's doing and are able to take steps to control it before it gets out of hand.

If you stick to all of your agreements 100%, always acknowledge the importance of his relationship with his son, and never come between them having time together - then at the end of their time together, pick your son up, walk away, and enjoy every special minute with your ds all to yourself.

Just formalise as much as you can and then you'll all know where you stand.

It's probably quite hard to stand up to him - especially if he's saying things like 'a family day out is better for ds' as you obviously always want the best for your child. But as mumto3girls said, ds will pick up on the bad atmosphere and kids notice so much more than we think.

Much better IMO to let them go off for a few hours, you go shopping, have your hair done, pamper yourself... then ds will come home to a happy relaxed mum.

You're right kimi I'm just worried as he has an incredibly nasty side to his personality when he doesn't get what he wants. I don't mean he is violent or anything like that - just nasty, nasty nasty. He wants his own way at all costs.

I really would talk to someone and sort out arrangements, don't let him bully you.

Thank you all for your comments. A friend has passed on the details of a family law specialist so I'm going to get in touch and see where I stand.

And you've helped me feel like I am not going completely mad - honestly, if you ever met him, he is very personable and pleasant, until crossed.

Then god help you. He is a hard person to get away from and no mistake.

Stay strong. You have your beautiful ds to get you through it

I would even go as far as to tape your conversations. Get a dictaphone and every time a conversation is coming up which will entail discussing your ds and access arrangements record it. Then if he argues just play it back....

You know, the dictaphone is not such a bad idea, mumto3girls!

And mylittlestar you are right. DS really is worth it, no question

And just to let you know, I have an appointment with someone on Monday. It's a positive move and helps me feel like I'm doing something - thanks for listening!