Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is he trying to stop me moving on ....

14 replies

user1489777189 · 09/04/2017 07:24

I am so frazzled by life.
I have two young children both at school age. Work full time and between them and my job it leaves very little spare time to get out and about meeting people.

I have been apart from my ex for a few years now - it wasn't a mutual split, something I found very hard at the time, it quite literally broke me but I did survive, and I'm here to tell the tale with a fairly nice life.

The problem is I think my ex and I both have struggled to completely let go, despite him having entered into a relationship with the ow pretty soon after he left. I assume they are still together, we don't discuss her.

I'd like to be able to let go, in all honesty i would like to have been a little bit angry with him but I've always blamed my self for him leaving so the only anger I have felt has been aimed at me.

I just can't seem to.
If I have a problem, I automatically reach for him and he is happy to oblige.
I have something to celebrate he will be the first I tell and he will oblige. The last bring my new job, he took the children and i for lunch at my favourite place and bought me a gift afterwards.

He's far more thoughtful than he used to be, we spend a few days a month all together on days out etc lunches or dinners.

Yesterday - he invited me to a place near to his home, I've never been to his new abode or near it - there had never been a need. We all had great fun together we always do but I always come away feeling as though he is having his cake and I'm feeding it to him stupidly.

I guess it can't go on like this ... as while it is I'm not able to move on and find someone who wants me every day.

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/04/2017 07:32

I'd imagine he's loving the attention. And you're in danger of becoming the OW. I can appreciate that you are not exactly devastated at the idea of OW-ing the OW but it's no good for you. I think you're right to identify that this is preventing you from moving on.

It strikes me there are two ways to tackle this:

cold turkey. Discuss nothing with him that does not pertain to the children and then do it minimally and not in person where possible
head on. Tell him that you still have feelings for him and you would like to try the relationship again.

I suspect that he will run screaming at the second approach, because he's just been stringing you along for the sake of his own ego, the way he did with the OW previously. But at least you would know for sure.

I don't understand why you were never angry with him. He was cheating on you. I think it would be good for you to spend some time working on your self-esteem so that you can be appropriately angry when someone disrespects you and devalues the love you have given them.

Underthemoonlight · 09/04/2017 07:36

Your right he is having his cake and eating and setting you up to be the ow. Please don't do you deserve much more than this pathetic excuse of a man.

Original poster

user1489777189 · 09/04/2017 07:37

I've never understood either. I didn't hit the angry stage I spent a lot of time devastated and then life kind of hit a contented period.
I was happy with a great job etc and I didn't need to be sad anymore.

I know he doesn't want me back - he's still with the ow and I don't want to be an ow. It would bring me no pleasure at all being someone else's cause of hurt.

I do however need to find a way to let go - so that I can move on and find someone.

but I am well aware it must be wonderful for him to have the ow and an oh so forgiving ex.

OP posts:

DevelopingDetritus · 09/04/2017 08:09

I agree with Tribpot. You'll have to go cold turkey. That was the only thing that worked for me. Yes, it will hurt but it's bearable and there's light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes OP.
PS, he's disrespecting two women at the moment too, what the heck will OW be thinking of the set up, not good, I'm sure she's not too pleased either. So you aren't even saving her hurt feelings. Not that I'm saying think of her really, just concentrate on what's best for you.

Original poster

user1489777189 · 09/04/2017 08:32

I know that I need to go cold turkey I just need to stop being a wimp.
It's so sad as if I were a friend and they were telling me this I would tell them to man up and stop settling for crumbs. However one does find it hard to take ones own advice.

OP posts:

AhYerWill · 09/04/2017 08:55

I'm not sure going fully nc is actually possible if you have dc together (and having a good relationship with him is beneficial for them).

Who else would you call to tell your good news? I'd look at strengthening your other relationships, so that you have other go-to people. You have to break this habit of calling him first - he's not stopping you moving on, you are. He may be enabling this behaviour, but ultimately it's you calling him for help/to celebrate etc. So you need to stop making that call to him. If you find it too hard to stop initially, maybe try phoning at least one person before him each time and see if that fills your need for connection/can provide whatever help you need. By all means tell him you have a promotion, but only once you can say 'oh no I'm going out to celebrate with x, no need to celebrate twice'...

Original poster

user1489777189 · 09/04/2017 09:02

Thank you - it is me who Iniates contact with regards to issues or a job change - but they are fairly irregular things and not involving regular contact as such. The job change was a recent thing.

I was actually put on the spot to go to lunch and celebrate with them as he had told me on arriving to collect the children he'd booked a table for us all and they are the situations I find hard to say no to.
I never ask him to do things with us - or for anything other than a listening ear hear or there (normally when life is slightly unsettled ) but you are right I need to try and forge other relationships so they are my go to in those situations.
It is he who orchestrates us all doing something together a few times a month - I wouldn't ask as I would hate to be told no.

OP posts:

AhYerWill · 09/04/2017 09:15

Ah fair enough, sorry my last reply was a little harsh. It does sound a little like you need to start saying no sometimes though. A breezy 'oh thank you, what a lovely idea, unfortunately I made other plans today. I'm sure the kids would love to eat here though. See you all later, have fun!' And walk away before he can wheedle you into staying.

Even better if you do have plans for the day

Mari50 · 09/04/2017 10:43

I can imagine my exP behaving like this- we're not so far down the line yet. But he would do it purely for his own ego and to prove to himself (and everyone else) what a 'good guy' he is. He would pay no attention to the emotional turmoil it would result in at all.
Detach yourself from him because he has moved on but is stopping you from doing the same. Whether it's intentional or not, it's not fair.
Good luck x

MrsBluesky1 · 09/04/2017 10:56

It's easier to do things activities with kids with other adult company i find. As it's 'family' things not just the two of you i really doubt it means much. Be busy, let him find out what it's like to parent alone.

Mari50 · 09/04/2017 12:02

Totally agree with the above post. My exP has prolonged our relationship by about 4 years simply because parenting alone was too hard for him and I was too weak to call it a day properly sooner. Total waste of almost half a decade on top of the other decade already wasted.

Original poster

user1489777189 · 09/04/2017 12:48

Thank you - I was unsure if he was using me for a second adult to help him as he never used to be bothered about having me join them it's only really in the last year of us being apart he has shown slightly more interest in us all being together.

I imagine though it is all for his gain and he hasn't particularly thought about others feelings etc.

I had imagined after such a long time he would have wanted the children to meet and be associated with the ow but he doesn't seem interested in that either.

OP posts:

supermumofmany · 09/04/2017 13:12

Maybe instead of going on family outings when he has the kids you should seek adult company in friends, going out doing something for yourself or try dating. Good luck

Original poster

user1489777189 · 11/04/2017 09:55

Thank you - I think the last few weeks have just been incredibly stressful - I haven't really had to need anyone to lean on as life was on the straight and narrow and then I threw a curve ball in and changed my job - which is a good but has upset the apple cart slightly.

I am trying to be less involved in his life - but I don't think he understands that he can't have "family" time when he doesn't have the nuclear family unit anymore.

I see it from my point of you - why am I suddenly good enough to be with him for the day and have fun with, enjoying the kids together but wasn't good enough when we were together.

I see it from her point of view - she must be confused and annoyed as to why he needs to see me every time he sees the children - he doesn't need to make overly nice gestures when we are not together.

The children also must find it hard to see us all together so regularly and for nothing to come of it. Confusion everywhere.

I want to be civil - I just don't want him overly involved in my life and I understand that I don't need to use him as my crutch.

OP posts:

Flip