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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel so trapped

18 replies

Orangeseed · 08/04/2017 20:03

I've thought so long about posting this and backed out so many times...

I've been with h for 12 years, married for 5, 2 dc and pregnant with third.
I'm so unhappy and feel so trapped, I don't recognise the person I have become.
H controls my every move, over the years he has made me cut contact with my friends and I am left with nobody to turn to.
I do have a job but he is pressuring me to give that up for good when baby arrives.
I used to go to the gym but he won't let me now, I'm not even allowed to aqua natal classes once a week, I have been out on ONE evening out in over ten years (basically since we started living together) and when I got home he was drunk and abusive.
Today he wouldn't let me go to an appointment i had booked weeks ago (to get my nails done) and wouldn't let me have my car keys (there was no bus to get me there on time), he's done this sort of thing before, even his a hospital appointment letter once.
He then spends the rest of the day acting like he's done nothing wrong and can't understand why I'm upset.

He checks my phone, fb, etc, I'm hoping he doesn't find this!

I'm so lonely, I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:

something2say · 08/04/2017 20:06

This is social abuse tho, part of domestic abuse....
how do you feel about staying with him or have you started thinking you'll need to leave someday?

Original poster

Orangeseed · 08/04/2017 20:20

I was thinking about leaving but then I found out I was pregnant, I'd wanted another baby for years and thought (stupidly) it would 'fix' things, but they are much worse than ever.
Some colleagues at work were encouraging me to leave, but I can't talk to them now.
I'm scared to be a single mum of three, I'm scared of being alone....

OP posts:

Icloud54 · 08/04/2017 20:27

Have you ever spoken to him about any of this? And has there been any violence in the relationship?

Original poster

Orangeseed · 08/04/2017 20:38

I've spoken about it often, threatened to leave (but I knew I couldn't really afford to at the time. I get upset when I confront him about his behavior, but he seems to get a twisted kick out of it, and then shouts at me for crying.
I wasn't allowed to cry when my dad died because h 'doesn't like the noise', I eat alone in my bedroom when he's in because 'he doesn't like the noise when I swallow' (I'm not some kind of pig BTW, no one else has ever complained)
He is verbally very aggressive and had raised his fists at me and thrown things but never actually hit me, I suppose that for me would be the trigger to end things (I've been there with an ex and promised myself never again).

OP posts:

Icloud54 · 08/04/2017 20:41

Well I think you have acknowledged the fact that your relationship is in no way normal which is a good thing however, you know need to decide what you want to do.
Easier said than done but there's no way you can live like this for the rest of your life. Think about your children and leave him for the sake of the health of you and your children.

merville · 08/04/2017 21:00

I don't want to sound patronising but I feel so sorry for you, reading that.

What an utter c*nt and what a pathetic individual he is.

I don't think he'll change, I'm sorry. I which case; in order to live the rest of your life with normal freedom, respect, happiness etc. - it seems like the only solution is to leave him.

Have you looked into all the ins and outs of how you'll organise things financially? It would be worth working all this out as a first step - others on here who've done it will be better informed to advise you.

Original poster

Orangeseed · 08/04/2017 21:10

I've looked at the finances before, stupidly i had got into debt on his behalf for a car and I just couldn't afford to go it alone, he looked into it and found he would only need to pay £60 per month in maintenance and with £670 nursery fees per month in addition to mortgage, house bills etc I just couldn't do it all on one wage.
My youngest is starting school soon and the loan is now almost paid off so I would have been able to afford it, but baby number 3 means I will be on SMP and then face another 4 years of nursery fees.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 08/04/2017 21:19

If he's earning any kind of normal or decent salary he's going to pay far more than 60 a month maintenance. Or would he like 50/50 custody maybe, then you could work around this and save on nursery bills. Either way he sounds like a vile man and is undoubtedly incredibly controlling and abusive

Original poster

Orangeseed · 08/04/2017 21:24

His salary has gone up since, how could i find out what maintenance would be?
He said before he would want his money from the house (probably in the region of 15k) so I would have to factor that in too, and he wants to keep the car.
He made it clear he did not want the kids 50/50, more like Saturday or Sunday with the occasional night, because he's 'got his life to live' eg work, hobbies, nights out.....

OP posts:

Platimum · 09/04/2017 07:53

Sounds like my old life. Right down to being pressured in to giving up job after dc.
you can leave.
you arent trapped.
what you will no doubt have to face is a giant shitstorm of a tantrum from him.
It will have wings and legs to start with but eventuallt it will die down.
X

Hermonie2016 · 09/04/2017 08:13

He sounds horrendously controlling.Just to reassure you, there will be a way out.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.He is likely to be talking rubbsh re finances.A court would prioririse the childerens housing needs so a solution would be found such as you staying in house till dc are 18.
You would also be entitled to child maintenance for 3 dc, see cms calculator.

Please contact women's aid and see a solicitor, as they will reassure you that there is a way out.

Rattata · 09/04/2017 08:15

You might be entitled to more child tax credits and some help with childcare costs (maybe even HB on the mortgage interest after 6 months, council tax relief as a single adult household, water sure scheme). Check it all out on the direct Gov site or turn2us site.

StrawberryJelly00 · 09/04/2017 08:20

If you can survive that monster for 12 years you can most DEFINATELY survive being on your own raising your children in a abuse free environment!

You are so much stronger than you think.
There are many services such as women's aid & the sunflower centre that can support you to escape this life and start again

Life is too short to live like this

Good luck OP

NameNotANumber · 09/04/2017 09:00

I would imagine that you'll get help with childcare costs as well as perhaps Housing Bebefit if you had to sell up and rent.

There is a maintenance calculator on the .gov website, for two DCs its 20% of salary said neoilf be more for you with three.

Please wipe your internet history and stay safe.

PushingThru · 09/04/2017 16:45

'He said before he would want his money from the house (probably in the region of 15k) so I would have to factor that in too, and he wants to keep the car'.

He doesn't get to decide any of this, the law does. He is telling you these lies to stop you leaving. Do not give up your job under any circumstances. Please get away from this man and follow the good advice here. You and your children can start living properly. X

PushingThru · 09/04/2017 16:46

Please call Women's Aid. Yes, this is serious enough. They will listen and offer practical advice without judgement.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2017 16:54

Ask yourself, is it worse to be alone or be a literal prisoner in an abusive marriage? There are FAR worse things than being on your own. But you already know this because you're living it.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 17:03

OP, if you tell me roughly how much he earns and whether you'd have to rent or not (give me a rough idea of how much rent would be, if so) I will work out how much child support he has to pay and how much you would get in tax credits etc.

He's horribly abusive.

One thing, you know those friends at work? They will definitely help you. They will be really worried about you.

Flip