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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone stayed in a an emotionally abusive relationship where things turned around

17 replies

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 17:34

And were you able to get over it?

I have been married for nearly ten years and my husband was emotionally abusive for about 5 of those years at the beginning. It was extremely intense when i was pregnant with the kids and when they were babies. It got too much and i couldn't take anymore. I told him i wanted to leave but he said he'd change and he has. Massively.

All the EA behaviours have gone including the financial abuse too. Things have really improved and I'm alot happier and we have become stronger as a couple.

But. And it's a big but, i cant help thinking of the past. He treated me horrifically and just thinking about it brings me to tears even though it's been 5 years. I just can't seem to forget and forgive. It's making me go round in circles. I feel i have no self respect by staying with him and don't know what to do. I still can't trust him not to hurt me and my self esteem was non existent and it's taking me a very long time to get it to where i am now but i still have alot of work to do.

Has anybody else been in a similar situation?! How did you let go of the past?

OP posts:

noego · 08/04/2017 19:30

Life shouldn't be such a huge effort. Eradicate those thoughts you are having. Live in the now. If his behaviour changes and the old git turns up then fuck him off immediately. Don't even think twice.

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 19:38

I have done mindfulness but one reason i can't let go is that some of the things he did like major financial fuck ups, which he never let me have a say in, affects me and my children today. It's really complicated and its a reminder everyday to me and undermines my self respect.

OP posts:

GreenPeppers · 08/04/2017 19:39

I don't think things have been as bad as yours but yes I've been in that position.
And yes I still have this lack of trust hanging around there

For me, it's the difference between unconditional trust and a much more careful trust iyswim.
So where before I would have expected him to think about me and put me first, the same way that I was putting him first, I've learnt to put myself first and be careful, look after my own interest and always be watching my back.

I suppose written down like it sounds awful. It's not. It's just very different to it was before.

Re time, it does take a hell of a lot of time IMO. I'm just starting to let go of resentment and being weary/suspicious. Things are getting better and better. But it has been about 7 years now that things are much more settled.

VestalVirgin · 08/04/2017 19:50

Who controls your finances now? Do you have your own bank account, your own money, your own safety?

If he truly regrets his actions, he will understand that you must be safe.

He broke your trust, and now he has to live with that.

And honestly, I would not advise you to trust him. Are you in control of the family's finances now?

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 21:39

greenpeppers i find myself looking at others being "normal" and it makes me sad about my situation. For example, something simple like my friend's husband just being kind and helpful when she had a baby recently, brings it home how i never had that and it reminds me of how horrific things were and i feel so sad for me.

I don't purposely look at other people but when ppl have babies or i see a couple just being jovial with each other it makes me so sad.

Do you feel like that? Because i think that is one of the reasons i cant forget it. Just normal everyday things trigger bad memories and it all comes flooding back. I honestly don't go searching for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 21:40

Finances are totally joint now and i have complete freedom and also control of how/ what we spend on so on that front things are totallly ok

OP posts:

PurpleThursday · 08/04/2017 21:45

Do you trust him?

What are the good things about the relationship now?

PurpleThursday · 08/04/2017 21:50

You really can't compare to the image others portray either.

One friend of mine looks like that from the outside - I was shocked to be told they have been in separate bedrooms for years & she's hanging on by her fingernails - he is not nice to her.

2 of my female friends (who I have little to do with nowadays) tricked their partners into getting them pregnant - both of these men thought they were on the pill and DID NOT want DCs. The men are still oblivious to the truth - I see my 'friends' in a completely different light now. How big a lie can you live with someone?

I could go on... there are many examples of relationships that look wonderful from the outside.

I'm not saying they are all shit - you just never know what goes on behind closed doors.

MoggieMaeEverso · 08/04/2017 21:54

Has he apologised to you?

How does he react when you bring up your feelings, when you tell him what you've told us?

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 22:11

He has apologised and says he deeply regrets it but that's it really. We obviously don't talk about it on a regular basis or anything. But every now and again i will begin to feel upset and it will fester for a few weeks and then i will pour it all out and then after a while i feel ok and then maybe 6m later i get upset again and the cycle is repeated again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 22:12

He listens to me every time and lets me get it out. He doesn't get angry or anything with me for doing so though i can appreciate it must be hard for him too.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 22:15

As for his good points, now that the abuse is over, he is actually an ok husband. He has a few flaws, but don't we all.

But this is what i tell him- that if he was just like how he is now from the beginning, we would be happy. But I've had to go through hell with him to get to ok when quite frankly ok just doesn't make up for herself shit I've been through.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 22:16

On one hand, it feels a shame to separate when i have it ok but the past is haunting me with a vengeance.

OP posts:

PurpleThursday · 08/04/2017 22:21

Wouldn't it be a shame to ruin the now and the future by dwelling on the past?

He doesn't appear to have done anything recently and if he really did stop it all and turn it around then you are (perhaps) one of the lucky ones??

Original poster

ViewPreviousHistory · 08/04/2017 22:25

I know what you're saying but i really feel so messed up. I feel i have no self respect by staying with him itms

OP posts:

SeaEagleFeather · 08/04/2017 22:33

Once trust is comprehensively destroyed then it's very, very hard to get it back. It's not even about the man he is now, it's about your state of mind. There's no right or wrong to that.

It's been 5 years now. If you can't reach peace of mind, then it -is- over. This is hellish for you and difficult for him.

A relationship that is deeply damaged is not much fun.

PurpleThursday · 08/04/2017 22:37

Have you considered some counselling to work through these issues (just for you for now)

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