I found something ...

[crappygirlfriend]

should I end it? I checked my dp's dating site and he has taken his photos down but updated it saying he has a child (that's only true of the last year and we have been together 5). He hasn't been on for years but he's been acting odd so I did a little research and this has happened over the last week. I wanted to confront him but because there are no photos yet he could deny it's his profile yet I know it's his. Should I wait and see if he posts any recent photos or talk to him with the evidence I have already?

I had a brief argument after my discovery about something none related and blurted out (as he was shouting at me when I was trying to confide in him and fix the issue) that he doesn't love me. He's now not speaking to me saying I've upset him and maybe it's that I don't love him. When he said that it didn't offend me because I know it's bollocks as I dote on the man.

Would you wait for the photos? Was I a bitch to say I didn't think he loves me and his anger is justified? Sorry for the rambling, being emotional and upset does not help the writing or explaining!

Atenco- thank you, I agree. It's just difficult to discuss issues with someone who isn't there and you annoy them with most things you say. I don't know how to solve these issues. Maybe counselling I guess?

It's not great that when you said you didn't think he loved you, he retaliated and threw it back on you rather than re-assuring you or asking why you feel that.

It's all very well him feeling the baby can't be left, but is he doing the staying in? He goes to the gym, does he go out other places without you?

You need to talk at a time when you are not rowing. Counselling could help. But it's hard for you to have a level, neutral conversation when you think he is messing about.

You could start by asking if he was serious when he said you don't love him. And how can this be, when you do, and you yourself do not feel loved.

Babies do knock a relationship for 6. Ask him if life with a baby is how he envisaged it. Tell him how your life is.

Counselling could help. Would he agree to go?

SoulAccount - Thank you. I too wondered why he threw it back at me rather than reassuring me, instead he said I'd hurt him and I don't know how he feels and that maybe it's me who doesn't love him. I wondered if he was purposely deflecting the accusation.

No he only goes to the gym except for the occasional drive on a weekend that I am not invited to join, saying he needs some time alone.

Thank you for the suggestions as to how to broach the subjects, I will definitely try them.

I am not sure if he will go for counselling when I think about it, I hope so though.

Oh he did say in the fight that I am all about the baby now; if he means conversational wise then I am not surprised as I am the only one who does anything for the baby, I don't go out except to meet up once a month with another mum and baby. If he means generally, I make time for him and he tells me he wants time alone. I am alone all weekend with the baby too while he sits at home or goes out for a drive, there is plenty of time in which he could join in but he chooses not to, he'd rather play on social media.

Do you know what he gets up to on these drives? He doesn't want you to go? Is he hiding something? Sounds v suspicious to me.
Keep quiet and check his phone on the location tracker to see where he goes.

So he is a father who does not interact with his child and leaves all that stuff to you. What do you love about him?

I am with Atenco - he sounds horrible!

He leaves all the childcare to you, goes to the gym every night and drives off at the weekends for 'alone time' ( when do you get YOUR alone time??)

He goes out with friends and makes you stay at home because 'he doesn't believe in using babysitters' and then tells you he doesn't love you anymore because you're all about the baby?

AND he's back on his dating profile??

I wouldn't bother with counselling.

It's just difficult to discuss issues with someone who isn't there and you annoy them with most things you say. I don't know how to solve these issues

Lack of communication sounds like the root cause, the fact you feel unable to discuss any concerns because his reaction will be negative does not sound like a healthy relationship.

He makes it even more difficult by being absent most of the time. He has stopped emotionally investing in the relationship and deflects blame onto you by turning it around and making it your problem by saying you don't love him.

I would have to say something, before the rot truly sets in permanently. You have a DC together, it would be better to get your relationship back on track than give up. If there is still love there, you both need to invest time in opening up and being honest for the sake of your DC.

He says you're all about the baby, but doesn't want a babysitter for you to go out. That doesn't make sense.

He's out 5 evenings a week and it sounds like all the childcare is on you and he's updating his dating profile.

Added to the fact he speaks unpleasantly to you.

Those would indicate he's not into you anymore or he's looking for an affair, if he's not already having one.

If I knew with 100% certainty it was my OHs profile, I'd be planning my exit and I wouldn't even engage in any confronting.

He is contradicting himself, isn't he? I think you should trust your instincts with him. He doesn't sound like a good partner or father. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Herewegoagain - I don't know where he goes, sometimes the shop but sometimes it is just for a drive generally.

Atenco - he plays with our DC for a little while but it's not consistent. I think he adores our DC but does not know how to deal with him, especially as DC always wants me. I explained the more time he puts in, the less that will happen.
I love that he is funny, generous, loving, deep and we used to talk all the time. It's just not consistent.

Daisychain - I agree that communication could be the root cause. I will try and talk to him but when I tried yesterday, he became defensive. The main gist of what I was trying to talk to him about was asking if we would be spending any time together over the weekend, even if it's just an hour in the park. I'd hoped for an innocuous, open discussion or at least that was the aim but he wasn't having of it, he just angry and twisted everything I said.

The more I type I just think he doesn't want to be here and I feel guilty that perhaps he feels trapped or something. However, last week he was talking about buying a house together which then makes me think I am causing the drama. It's in my head sort of thing.

Sandy - Yeah I don't think he's figured that I need time away and to do other things to not be all about the baby. I keep asking him if he even likes me and it says he does and the issues are all in my head.

Mummy - yeah he does have redeeming qualities, he is a nice guy in many ways but I think he is either too selfish or immature for family life. I put myself last, whereas he puts himself first.

Please don't even contemplate buying a house together until you have seen consistent and long term changes in his attitude and investment towards you and his child.

Please don't feel guilty, you are doing your best and he is just a passenger atm. He needs to step up to the plate otherwise, I agree with other wise MNers on here it is not going anywhere

Daisy - Thanks. I won't buy anything with him. I'm out walking, just my DC and I again while he lays in bed. Just before I left he asked if I was taking the car as he fancied a drive but I took it anyway. Immediately after he asked he was messaging someone on Whatsapp. I think he was going to meet someone as I'd asked him only ten mins earlier if he needed the car and if he fancied going for a walk with us. My stomach is doing somersaults. I'm thinking the worst.

Op its time to leave this relationship, regardless of the dating profile issue. He has already pretty much checked out.
You aren't happy, its time to end it.

I think there's someone else, OP, I'm sorry. I thought the five nights a week at the gym were suspicious, but the drive on his own really makes me think he's up to no good.

Are you sure he goes to the gym? Do his clothes need washing when he comes back?

Look up QR coding on WhatsApp, you need to be able to get into his phone and have an iPad or something similar. Then install what's chat on your iPad. You will be able to see what he's messaging. I'm sorry but sometimes you need to know this stuff for self preservation and decision making and it's all well people saying , if the trust is gone etc, sometimes is ladies need facts to be able to give us a nudge

Yep sounds like he's got something else going on. That's why he's emotionally checked out and blames you for being all about the baby.
Its his excuse.
Sounds to me like its an affair or hook ups. Gym every night and going driving? Excuses to get out of the house.
The talk of buying a house could be to throw you off the scent.

I'm sorry, his treatment of you and your child is crap. Personally I think the way he treating you is sufficient reason to call it a day.

Note down the mileage before and after these drives. Is he gone 2 hours having driven 5 miles! Are these drives of consistent length?

Thank you everyone for your help, advice and confirmation that I am not being paranoid and that my fears are justified. I don't feel quite so alone now that you've all been kind and taken the time to help me. Thank you.