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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recovery, over 2 years on

53 replies

WWYD1 · 08/04/2017 14:32

DH had a short lived affair with a work colleague. It lasted around 6 weeks. He was an utter arsehole toward me for the time, and left to move in with her. She still lived at home with her mum (early 20's)

He told me that he wanted to give us another try. I said no, he moved out of her home to his mums, and handed his notice in, with immediate effect. Found a new job within a week or so. Worked on establishing my trust. I took him back.

He has done everything 'right'. Starting of with full access to it all. Answered all questions. Got STD tests (all clear) We've been on a marriage counselling course type thing, and read Shirley Glass book.
He is where he is when he says so. I have passwords etc given to me - although I don't use them really, as I know it wouldn't make a difference, if he would do it, me having this wouldn't stop him.

Our marriage is better than it ever was, as in we are open and honest and make an effort. we do family things more often, he wasnt interested before really.

It's like he's realised what he nearly lost, and it's opened his eyes. So why do I feel like I'm forever stuck in an emotional horror? I get flashes and images in my head. I struggle with sex, and my faith in most things is gone.

Is this normal? Has anyone got past this into something better? does anyone have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/04/2017 11:53

Do you think your feelings would change if you were to separate? A lot of it seems to come down to having lost faith in humanity in general, as well as your DH in particular.

It also sounds like you could do with a clean break with the area in which you're living, it's too haunted. Is that practical? Would it be practical if you separated?

Don't fall into the sunken costs fallacy - just because you've put so much work in, this doesn't have to work out. But equally my reading of your posts is that you wouldn't be happier if you did separate. The damage has been done, and it is severe. The question is how you recover from it, irrespective of what happens to your marriage.

I hope you can find happiness again.

jobvcareer · 13/04/2017 12:06

Hi I just wanted to share my experience of being cheated on. I found out just over a year ago. It had been going on about 6 months, work colleague 10 years younger than him.
I chucked him out there and then. He came back twice the next week for his things and that was it. I've never seen or spoken to him since. You know what I'm still feeling all the things you are. The triggers, avoiding places, waking up with all the old feelings flooding back.
I don't regret ending it at all, I just wanted you to know leaving doesn't make all those feelings of worthlessness and betrayal and never being able to trust again disappear.
You might still be feeling like this if you had ended it. At least this way you know you have tried.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 12:26

Normal feelings OP, you were let down massively, you will never forget that; you may in time trust him more and more but honestly, he broke it and no amount of glue will change that. You can still go on to be happy together but don't think you need to forget or forgive; why should you, you are only human; you know what he's capable of, that feeling if mistrust will always be there now but hopefully will lessen as each year passes and he shows you he's worth having.

Original poster

WWYD1 · 13/04/2017 14:11

Fuck

Does the hurt ever stop? As in really move pass it all?

OP posts:

IsNotGold · 13/04/2017 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

WWYD1 · 13/04/2017 14:49

IsNotGold thank you [flowers} for you.

I can never figure out if it's better or worse that he says she wasn't worth this. Almost feels like a waste.

I have seen her, and she's not what I expected. Rather a plain Jane. Is that better or not?

My head is so fucked up right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD1 · 13/04/2017 14:49

OP posts:

Pirelli123 · 13/04/2017 14:58

I struggled with this. I reread Shirley Glass on forgiveness. I told him I forgave him. They were just words. But they seemed to have an effect on me and now I care much less about the past, have far fewer flashbacks and am able to override them when they force themselves into my mind. I think by saying those words I gave myself permission to move forward and think about my own mental well being rather than being stuck in that awful cycle, obsessing with what happened between two other people. Someone said its like bereavement, and it is. I am happier now and my relationship is far better than it was. I don't think I do actually forgive though, the behaviour was unforgivable. He doesn't need to know that for the moment though. I wish you strength.

Original poster

WWYD1 · 13/04/2017 15:39

Pirelli You 'forgave' him?
Do you think maybe that's made it worse for you somehow?

OP posts:

IsNotGold · 13/04/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pirelli123 · 13/04/2017 18:30

WWYD1 no not at all, why do you say that?

Heartbroken47 · 13/04/2017 20:24

Op you are showing signs of an anxiety disorder - possibly even PTSD. Please don't give up on your marriage before you pursue diagnosis and treatment.
I'm not excusing what he did, but I suspect even if you did leave it wouldn't put an end to the anxiety.
Best of luck to you

rosabug · 13/04/2017 20:52

WWYD1 - really sorry to hear what you are suffering. In the midst of it myself - 20 years and he has been having an affair for the last 4. After much pain I've decided it's over for me, but my situation is much worse. It does sound like he did a really pathetic and stupid thing - and knows it. I agree with the poster who said that you need to focus on yourself and do things to build your self esteem. Mindfulness may help to break your thought patterns and focus on yourself. You may find if you find yourself you may not want to continue - or - you will be able to let go of this. I know what you are feeling - everything changes after something like this - it's just whether it changes for the better or not. But you have to put yourself first. good luck.

user1488723505 · 13/04/2017 21:54

Apparently when you experience any trauma (like being cheated on ) you can suffer from ptsd. I thought ptsd was something you only got after being in a war or similar but no you can get it from any trauma. I have it after being cheated on and left after a 20 year marriage. The constant going over it in your mind, where they went, what they did etc is a symptom of ptsd.

Original poster

WWYD1 · 17/04/2017 12:11

Pirelli I just meant do you maybe think that now you've pretended to forgive, you'll find it even harder to actually forgive?

PTSD?? I do feel utterly devastated, yes maybe even traumatised. Is PTSD really a possibility though? Seems a bit strong.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 17/04/2017 13:58

I feel the same, it's given me upset stomaches galore and I simply can't feel the same, regardless of him suddenly taking note of how I feel , 4 months since I really knew although 11 years since I had an inkling and to be frank I have steam coming out my ears that I try and hide

Paperdoll16 · 17/04/2017 14:29

It's interesting that PTSD has been mentioned and I can relate to many things you've described WWYD1...

We saw a new counsellor last week who after listening to what had happened exolained that we have been through a 'car crash' in our relationship. The 'car crash' was described with DH in the driving seat and I was the passenger with no control.

I am now having many many triggers and responses that are reminding me of that day, the details of the crash and all of the hurt and pain attached to it is still very much at the forefront of my mind.

That's because she said I was describing the situation (in tears at times) like a victim that's still very traumatised and in disbelief that it has happened to me. She said I am experiencing PTSD and I had never considered this before.

I'm having some sessions by myself (from tomorrow) to try and find my own journey on how I can move forwards from this and it affecting so much of my individual life and then DH is going to re join (once the counsellor knows exactly how I feel) and do some couple work on rebuilding trust/ moving forwards together etc..

Maybe something like this could help you? I agree with what someone else said about if you're experiencing these feelings then by separating i don't think they'll just go away. You need to have some individual work done on discovering if you're able to reduce the ratio of how much this affects your everyday life and relationship with your DH, or not.

SleepingTiger · 17/04/2017 14:41

I forgave her. I knew that focusing on the positive things we had would roll up all the bad things into little balls of insignificance. It depends how far you want to move on, how quickly, how much you want to dictate the pace. How great and magnificent you want your journey to be and who with, and whether that person is strong enough and good enough to stick with you. If you want that kind of life and control you have to ditch the victim pretty quick. It worked and still works for me, so as another poster put it..........it is very personal.

Pirelli123 · 17/04/2017 19:31

WWYD1 it wasn't a pretence. I've always had a problem with forgiveness and all its connotations but Shirley Glass explained it well and I thought ok why not give it a go. I was surprised at the result. I felt less bothered about the whole thing. Since then, I've realised that actually I do still think his behaviour was unforgivable, and that I still don't believe in the concept, not in this instance anyway. But...it moved things on for me (perhaps coincidentally) and that's a positive.

Pirelli123 · 17/04/2017 19:32

I agree with SleepingTiger's viewpoint as well.

aibu1983 · 19/04/2017 15:25

13 years ago for me since i discovered an emotional affair, i ended the relationship 2 years ago after years of hurt (he did it more than once), i am in a new relationship and parts of my worry has seeped into this one. i trust my DP in the now but worry for the future... what if he meets someone he clicks with and wants them more than me.

i was such a trusting person before and it would never enter my head that my ex would betray me. I hate that he has introduced this to me.

I am so envious of people whos mind doesnt think in the way mine does if that makes sense.

yetmorecrap · 19/04/2017 16:16

Aibu, its interesting you said that. Its one of the reasons so far I havent left. I am conscious what my counsellor said, leaving doesnt always mean the hurt/anger leaves with you, that goes with you, and like you I am conscious that if I did want another relationship again the temptation to want to "snoop" may stay with me, simply because I got shat on by the very, very last person I would ever have expected it of. If you met us you would probably think "I" was the more likely person to have some kind of fling. In my case it was a long time ago too, (11 years) never confessed and I only found by chance the full extent a few months ago. I was extremely trusting too and was made a mug of.

janaus · 19/04/2017 17:16

I am where you are, at about 18 months on.
I write my thoughts down. It's an emotional roller coaster.
Get over it, he says. I wish I could.

yetmorecrap · 19/04/2017 18:18

It's all very well the guilty party saying get over it!! Maybe they would like to walk a mile in our shoes

rosabug · 19/04/2017 18:47

I think if a partner of mine ever said "get over it" I would walk. It's unacceptable.

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