Page 2 | As a woman - would you lie about your age on a dating site?

HidingEyes · 2017-04-07T22:26:22+00:00

I'm talking about knocking 2 or 3 years off? Not a decade. Just to date someone my own age! Or is it always wrong/backfires in the end?

Trills · 08/04/2017 09:59

If I lie about my age on online dating, what have I gained?

I've gained a date with a man who would not have dated me if he knew my real age. If he continues to date me after he finds out, I've gained a date with a man who is not especially bothered by lying.

I don't think I want to gain those things. I don't want to date a man who would not consider my real age, he sounds unthoughtful and I doubt we would get along. I don't want to date a man who does not mind being lied to - it suggests that he is more likely to do some lying of his own.

If you do want to date a man who thinks that way, then by all means go ahead.

PoorYorick · 08/04/2017 10:01

I've heard that people at a 'cut off' (usually ending in a 0) sometimes shave a year or two off to appear in searches but then make it clear early in the profile that actually they're 30 or 31 rather than 29. I would forgive that, personally.

Original poster

HidingEyes · 08/04/2017 10:14

Yeah, if I was 21 or 31 or even 41 I wouldn't lie about my age! But like Polly am a bit older and like Kittens I am more aware of the effects of "hideous ageism", which is much more apparent once you get past 45. Agree very much with Polly and her understanding view of life as you get older as a woman (though still struggle a little with it).

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PushingThru · 08/04/2017 10:29

If someone lied to me about their age (or anything else) in order to trick me into dating them when they suspected I may not wish to, I'd never see them again. It shows a complete disregard for my preferences, autonomy and right to the truth.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/04/2017 11:22

I think the thing with online dating is that guys will swipe past because of an age so you don't even get the chance to chat to let alone meet them. I did have a real worry about this, particularly as I was approaching 40, which as we all know is the age all women become stooped crag worn hags with only cats for company.

I also don't look my age, so worried they might think my pictures were old! (I think a lot of people don't look their age, not trying to big myself up here!) I also kind of think people are more judgemental online than they would be IRL - so will swipe past people who are out of their 'cut off' when this wouldn't apply if they met them in the flesh.

The problem is, if you lie, then you could end up on a date with someone who is really judgemental about age, and who wants to deal with one of those idiots?! And anyone who does swipe past because of a cut off probably isn't worth bothering with anyway, so maybe it's better to sort the wheat from the chaff at the outset.

I personally wouldn't be annoyed at someone shaving a few years off. However as a woman looking for men, they are less likely to have to lie, as there is less pressure on them to be a certain age anyway! AND I am likelier to be more open minded about it, in part because I've faced this exact prejudice.

It really is bloody unfair!

The thing is, they may well have shaved a few years off themselves, fibbed about something else, or not be that bothered that you're - say 53, rather than 50.

Can I ask what the age you are and the age you were thinking of putting is?

ShatnersWig · 08/04/2017 14:00

As a man who is doing OLD I don't lie about my height, my age, anything. I've been accused of using someone else's photos because i look a fair bit younger than my age but I'm not going to lie and say I'm the age i look. Whether knocking a couple of years off your age is a white lie or not, it's starting off from a position of untruth. If after a couple of days they admitted it i would wonder what else they might have lied about. I'd stop seeing them.

Original poster

HidingEyes · 08/04/2017 14:11

Some very unsympathetic people on here to an older woman's dilemma, and I don't think as a man you get it Shatner. The accusatory posts are not really helpful either. So its been a bit of a waste of time. But nice read some human responses esp Polly.

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Original poster

HidingEyes · 08/04/2017 14:11

nice to read

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ShatnersWig · 08/04/2017 14:15

You only wanted to hear from people who agreed with you then, OP?

abbey44 · 08/04/2017 14:25

I wouldn't - apart from being a completely useless liar, what's the point? If your age is going to put someone off, you might as well save yourself the trouble.

I remember meeting a man (some years ago now) online who said he was the same age as me; we met and I thought he looked a little, well, "worn" for his age...it turned out he'd knocked 13 years off. He hadn't reckoned on his adult children throwing a surprise party for a significant birthday, which kind of gave it away!

I didn't really mind much at the time - he was charming, pleasant company but never destined for anything long-term or serious. I think I would have minded in that case, though.

Mumfun · 08/04/2017 14:36

HidingEyes you wanted to hear views and you got them.

I think the classiest way is what Yorick says. You say in your profile that youve knocked a couple of years off as you want to date xx age. Saw a guy do that in a very classy humorous way and thought that was fine.

I wouldnt date anyone who lied . I just would think if they lie about this.............

Nutterfly · 08/04/2017 16:35

I agree with Shatner on this and I don't think this is a 'a man doesn't understand' issue. I'm a woman, just hit 40, and wouldn't shave years off just to widen the pool. If they're my own age and cutting out women their own age they're probably either a little delusional or shallow.
And as others have said, lying about the little things would be a big issue for me. If they'll lie about something as inconsequential as a few years, what's to stop them lying about the big things?

Kittencatkins123 · 08/04/2017 16:41

Cmon Shatner men don't face the same pressures or stigma around age as women. It's great that you're honest, but women are much more open to dating older men and by quite a bit so your catchment is wider and you won't really experience the same level of judgement.

If someone lied about their age, assuming it was just a few years rather than a decade and if it was on an online profile, I wouldn't assume they were a pathological liar. I would think society is tough on age, and it's understandable. I also wouldn't be shocked to the core, as it's fairly well known that age is an area that people fudge a little bit when it comes to OLD.

For me, I'm just shit at lying and wouldn't like the stress of having to tell the person at some stage - and I think it was maybe also partly down to life stage. Eg when you are in your thirties (I was 39 when I met BF) - even though this is totally depressing - there could be a consideration of having kids etc (way to feel like your ovaries are being assessed for fitness!). People get pumped a lot of information about the 'cliff edge of fertility' and I don't know - I just felt I needed to have my cards on the table from the get go. And it didn't put off my lovely and age-blind boyfriend!

When you're a bit older still that isn't really so much in question (if that isn't rude to say!). And I also think it's more common at that point for both sexes to shave a few years off!

I just wish people who were OLD wouldn't be quite so rigid about cut offs for age/height etc when they would never be like that in real life. It's silly! And really frustrating when you're on the receiving end.

Good luck OP!

SherlockStones · 08/04/2017 16:52

Why attempt to attract those that wouldn't be interested in the first place?

So when they find out about your real age and drop you as a result are you going to moan about it or accept culpability? Or bemoan ageism when lies are what got you to that point.

Original poster

HidingEyes · 09/04/2017 11:01

Well, you know I thought about it a bit more. Actually I asked for advice elsewhere which was real and honest but not so judgey pants and accusatory ffs! Not all the posts here of course, but some sounded particularly priggish/harsh (unfortunately that particular trait doesn't come out in "the truth" of dating profiles that everyone is so keen on! ). Also, in the past, it was rude to ask a ladies' age. My mum still gets hacked off when people do, as they do always now as an identity thing.

In the end, I decided I would give my actual age. Like Kitten I don't like the stress of telling them later, when a small thing in my mind might become a big thing, at least in theirs. Good luck to you Kitten .

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Destinysdaughter · 09/04/2017 11:22

When I was 36 I went speed dating and was shocked to see that the way it was organised, I couldn't actually meet men my own age, it was all men over 40! So yes, it is different for women. Lots of men my own age (50) would no longer look at a woman my age. Sad but true.

PollyPerky · 09/04/2017 11:35

Hiding- I go with my former comments- have PMd you!

redfeet · 09/04/2017 11:42

I think it doesn't matter if you're just looking for casual relationships - it won't have any long term implications and I've been a bit vague with the truth (about age and all sorts of things) on dating sites. I've always made it clear that I wasn't interested in anything long term though - if you're only meeting someone a few times then it shouldn't matter what your exact age is imo.

For an actual serious relationship, I'd feel a bit peeved if I found out a partner had lied about his age. But I've never looked for a LTR on a dating site, I generally think they're better for more casual flings.

Platimum · 09/04/2017 11:44

.

Platimum · 09/04/2017 11:52

Last year, when I had a profile on pof I had knocked a year and a month off my age. Then I thought I'd met somebody and killed the profile. This time I'm back with my real age, after a birthday, so ''two'' years older. I do seem to be getting fewer messages from men I'd consider dating and more messages from, well, I don't want to be unkind.

Last year however I did go out with one man on a date and we really hit it off and he was a really straightforward honest person. Things didn't get past two dates with us but I know he would have thought less of me if he'd known I'd lied. So that's the problem. There are some honest men who don't lie themselves out there. This guy had told the truth about his height (5'7") he hadn't added two inches to his height. He was an honest person himself, confident he'd meet somebody who'd like him for who he was, and I'm sure he did/will.

I only created a new profile yesterday so it will be interesting to see what the outcome of telling the truth about my age is. I'm now over 45 so not turning up in the same searches I guess.

I will have to be pro-active and do a lot more asking. I wouldn't bother messaging somebody unless there was something in their profile that I could easily respond to or their profile just really impressed me.

Luckily now I know that I can happily date a shorter man and it doesn't bother me at all but I know that age gaps of over 5 years are not for me. Some women are the other way around so at least now I know I can have strong feelings for a man who is not tall! When I started this journey I didn't realise that. Learning curve.

Platimum · 09/04/2017 11:59

Trills, you put that very well. The man who just finished with me (not age related) he was honest about his age, although not his height! But yet I still felt embarrassed when I told him (the night we met) that I was a year older than he had thought I was, and then almost immediately after that I had a birthday! But that was nothing to do with why we parted.

I have made a jokey reference to the fact that my profile contains no lies!

Good point that if you lob a few years off your age then the younger men who think you will be easier to ride :-p will get even younger! I'd have 18 year olds messaging me from their parents' basement. But that doesn't matter. I'd ignore any message from a man who thought older woman = desperate. So easy to spot!

Platimum · 09/04/2017 12:00

ps, and when, on the first night, we talked about our ages, I was a bit ''eeek'' when I admitted I'd lied. I did not say to him, "and you? 5'11" my ass!" That went unsaid. Men do get off very lightly OLD

INeedToEat · 09/04/2017 16:14

I'm 45. I put 35 on my profile simply because I got sick of all the MILF hunters. Showing up under 40 seems to stop this.

I always tell anyone I'm speaking to my real age after a few messages. I've never had anyone care.

MyPerfectCousin · 09/04/2017 16:27

I wouldn't, and didn't, no.

I also wouldn't date, or even reply to a message from, a man who had his 'cut off' age set at an age lower than his.

The number of 45+ year old men looking for a woman 25-39 is astounding...

RawPotatoes · 09/04/2017 17:28

If someone lied to me about their age (or anything else) in order to trick me into dating them when they suspected I may not wish to, I'd never see them again. It shows a complete disregard for my preferences, autonomy and right to the truth.

This exactly.

Plus, wouldn't lying about your age just make you look a bit sad and lacking in confidence? And if he did decide to keep you on after finding out, you'd probably both end up feeling that he was doing you a favour.