DH woes

[JanStruther]

I feel so sad about the state of my marriage and I have no clue what to do about it.

I feel as though nothing is ever resolved. Today is our 27th wedding anniversary and my DH forgot. He doesn't see why I'm upset and just keeps talking "at" me and pretending life is OK - this is one of the things that I find so hard to cope with. He will never talk things through, says it's better to move on and not dwell - but FFS it drives me mad and I'm not sure how much longer I can live like it. I don't just mean forgetting an anniversary, he is like this about every issue from going to a lapdance club when out entertaining customers with his boss, (he said not his fault, he just went with the flow, would have looked stupid if he'd said no), through to never standing up for me with his family (he says he's just trying to be fair to everyone and least said soonest mended).

I'm left feeling unreasonable and frustrated and very angry. There are a lot more examples but I don't want to bore you all with a litany of complaints. Just wanted to let off steam really, and I wondered if anyone else has a similar problem and if so how do you deal with it?

You have one life. Do you want it to be like this? Spell it out to him. Shape up or ship out.

Aww I'm no expert can't give any good advice o just hope you're ok

Sometimes when my DP is an ass I get so wound up especially with the fact he never sees at the time what an ass he's being then I concentrate on all the shitty (human) things he might do day to day and wonder how the hell do I cope with this and why have I signed up to a lifetime with this man, then time passes and I either get my period or he apologises or sometimes even my DM with put something into context and all will be well again and can't imagine life without him it's happened a couple times a year for the last eight years and each time I get so wound up But really he's a good egg with a good heart

Everything is resolved. He does whatever he wants and you shut the fuck up. See how that works?

The problem isn't that things are not resolved. It is that they are always resolved such that he get the does what he wants and you have to lump it and move on.

No wonder you are frustrated and angry.

What would you have to do to take the wins for yourself instead?

runrabbit you are right! But I don't know what to do. I've tried talking, shouting (screaming even, when at my most frustrated) writing it down and giving it to him to read, but it always ends up with silence, followed by him talking to me as though there has been/is no problem. He says that it's better to move on and not dwell on stuff, but how does that work? it just feels to me that nothing is ever resolved and I'm left feeling sad, angry and frustrated at not having been allowed the chance to say what I think. Or I force the issue and end up screaming at him because he sits there and says nothing, just waits for me to finish, which in the end makes me feel almost violent I'm so angry.

There are two of you in the relationship. He doesn't get to decide that everything is ok if for you, it isn't. His opinion doesn't trump yours. If you say something isn't ok, that's enough to make it not ok.

Don't waste your time on this bollocks. Either he listens to you and addresses your concerns like an adult in a partnership, or you think seriously about whether or not you can continue in this relationship.

You are very very focused on talking. Unhealthily so.

Sound is just vibrations in the air. He knows that.

Stop talking. Stop shouting. Stop screaming. Stop writing. Start doing.

Imagine you couldn't say any words. You could only do stuff. What would you do to be the top dog.

He says that it's better to move on and not dwell on stuff, but how does that work? it just feels to me that nothing is ever resolved and I'm left feeling sad, angry and frustrated at not having been allowed the chance to say what I think.

You're right to feel that nothing is ever resolved. He's refusing to engage, because he doesn't want to have to deal with stuff. And because nothing is ever resolved it all builds up and builds up and gets far, far worse, so he feels even less like engaging and dealing with stuff.

You can't change him. But you can seek counselling to help you decide how to handle this in a way which makes you feel better about it.

RunRabbit wrote, You are very very focused on talking. Unhealthily so.

Talking about things is how you sort them out. If you don't talk about problems, they fester and grow. There's nothing unhealthy about wanting to talk. Especially when someone keeps silencing you, as the OP's husband is doing to her.

I'll clarify what I meant. Of course, in an ideal world people talk and compromise, as a joint effort with both people engaged. This is mature, healthy and how most relationships work.

It is unhealthy to expect change to happen by talking at someone who is not listening.

It is unhealthy to keep trying to talk to someone who has made it extremely clear that they will not converse openly with you.

Talking has got you nothing out of this situation, except anger and frustration, because he is not listening and has no intention of ever listening.

You'd be daft to continue trying the talking method. Action now. Get his attention with action.

Tbh, my action would involve a solicitor but you might want to start with maybe just going out more, not cooking his dinner, not washing his pants, not asking his opinion and stuff like that.

Jan he is obviously hugely entrenched with his totally frustrating way of dealing with conflict.

I would sit him down very soon adn tell him that unless he goes to counselling with you and is willing to change then you will be going to a solicitor to find out how your situation stands with regard to splitting up.

He will then see that he cannot go on like this and that you are serious. I hope you will be serious. It sounds like hell.