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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum guilt

10 replies

Sounbelievablydull · 06/04/2017 22:29

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here tbh
My dad died a year ago and my mum is now alone
I think we all try to nice to her very small family just me and two sibs no extended family.
My mum was an ok mum a product of her time I guess - I am the least attractive/ successful child and also have the most "free" time.
I have grown to dread going to her house I don't know why.
I do still go but I am really not being a supportive person.
I am holding on to childish resentments and I know I need to be the bigger person but I keep thinking of stuff that would be better forgotten about
Not really knowing what I am hoping to achieve here but randomly ranting I suppose

OP posts:

reawakeningambition · 06/04/2017 22:31

It's good to talk about it somewhere like here.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/04/2017 22:37

I agree with reawakening.
Can you try to pin point a little better the resentment? Do you feel like you are being used by your other siblings to draw the short straw to look after your mum? No matter how much/what you do, it doesn't absolve them of their fair share of responsibility, convenient or not.

reawakeningambition · 06/04/2017 22:40

I know what you mean about resentments.
Plus if you don't feel successful yourself that makes it harder.

Blossomdeary · 06/04/2017 22:40

You really are not alone - the relationship between mothers and daughters can often have underlying problems - as you say, "childish resentment." That does not however mean that they are childish in a derogatory way - they are often very real and very understandable.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother (as in fact did other members of the family) and it took many years before I could begin to understand her behaviour - not condone it, or minimise the effects it had on me - but at the least understand it.

I think that you must not ask too much of yourself - your feelings are your feelings and even if they are uncomfortable to acknowledge, they are valid in their own right.

You do not have to be the "bigger person" - you just have to be you. That is fine. Of course you will want to do right by her and support her as best you can; but it is not possible for these feelings to be wiped out and they will impact on your time with her. You dread going there because you know you will come away feeling bad about yourself. The only way forward is to realise that you do not have to feel bad about your emotions and that you really are not alone in this. I think you will find it easier if you stop beating yourself up about it.

I am 68 and my mother died 11 years ago - I never did entirely lose those resentments, simply because they were real and valid.

Give yourself a break and allow yourself to be human.

Original poster

Sounbelievablydull · 07/04/2017 09:15

Thank you for replying it has made feel a little better.
I think you are right the dread does come from how I feel after I have seen her. I revert back to a sulking awkward adolescent - and I am not really like this in reality (I don't think!)
I am having her to stay tonight and will make a real effort to treat her as though she were one of my friends mothers instead of my own .

OP posts:

reawakeningambition · 07/04/2017 11:41

she presses your buttons because she's the one who put them there....

Blossomdeary · 07/04/2017 12:34

You are very wise to decide to try and treat her like one of your friend's Mums rather than your own. It will give you some level of detachment, which is what is needed. The feelings will not entirely go away, but it at least gives you something to measure your reactions against.

Do not put yourself down and let yourself revert to child/adolescent role - take a deep breath - you can do this thing!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/04/2017 13:07

I guess if you and DM weren't particularly close, DF acted as a kind of buffer between you?
Don't feel guilty - you're visiting, you're in regular contact. Better a short upbeat visit than a longer awkward one.
If DM herself hints at you staying longer or coming over more frequently be firm and say that''s not possible. Stick to a pattern that works for you - in fact mix it up so you don't get trapped in a routine you dread.

Original poster

Sounbelievablydull · 07/04/2017 14:20

No he did not act as a buffer at all - quite the opposite really - he was an alcoholic bully and probably I feel that she allowed him to bully me in particular- all part of the back story.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/04/2017 14:43

Wasn't sure but now see there must be a difficult history so don't want to put my foot in it. I thought you lightly referred to yourself as the least attractive/successful and it took my breath away because that to me spoke volumes.

You don't have to reply to this at all but where you said you keep thinking of stuff that would be better forgotten about - it suggests that there's a lot you keep hidden away, have you ever unburdened yourself to someone professional, not to "fix" the gulf between you and DM but for your own peace of mind.

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