Lack of love in relationship

[artisanmincepiesonly]

How long can and does it go on for people out there?

We're more like mates who bring up a kid. He pays the mortgage, I do everything else. We both take our parenting duties seriously. We've tried to kick start our sex life a few times, it works for a few weeks then sort of fizzles out. If I describe a fantasy or discuss my current preferences he has no interest in exploring them with me and just wants me the way I used to be. So I'm left not wanting to be vulnerable in sharing again as it gets ignored.
His career is really taking off right now when mine is stagnent but I'm doing most of childcare.
I've always put an immense amount of effort for many years into this relationship. Used to suit me, I never had good self-esteem. And he is out there putting his effort into his career and hobbies knowing I'll plan holidays, keep house, plan nights out, do little gestures, cook lovely meals etc No I'm not perfect, just saying there's an effort inbalance. But I've reached a point where the inbalance has gotton too WAY too much for me.

I've pointed this out to him the last few years. He tends to agree and may change for a few days. Then reverts to type when his career/hobbies re-surface. This is what I wanted when younger. But now..... I'd like to be noticed. Occasionally seduced. He's not doing anything exactly wrong but neither is he able to prioritise me.

If there was no kid like many others on here I'd just up and leave, history or not. People change over the years, with no kid, it'd make sense. Instead I feel like I'm just passing time as I no longer want to put my energies into this as he gives so little in return. He deserves someone who loves him and is not resentful and I'd like some love at this point in my life. I feel tolerated and I'd love to feel loved and cherished. Is that unrealistic? Is this just normal life with a kid with an inbalance of labour? Should I keep my family intact and my head down? Or jump ship, mess up lives (therefore feel GUILTY) but finally have a bit of hope? If the guilt doesn't get to me.

I hear your distress loud and clear, artisan.... and recognise those signs as I'm in very similar situation with almost zero affection, no sex whatsoever and pretty despondent.

I guess you need to sit down and have a really honest talk with your DH to at least flag up your feelings and put him in the picture or does he feel same? Is he aware of your feelings and how serious you are about leaving? Can you suggest specific things you need him to do to change and can you come up with ideas you can do to change so it's balanced? Can you find something to do together once a week away from childcare, jobs, home?

Maybe it's worth trying if you feel things are worth saving...And it's always worth going that extra mile when you have a child to consider. Having said that, we only have one life and your happiness is important too.

Thanks Dappled! Appreciated.

Yes, my thoughts swing between your last 2 paragraphs. We do talk, mainly initiated by me. He does know how I feel but ends up feeling despondent, it doesn't seem to galvanise him unfortunately. I'd say the opposite. Why bother putting effort my way when work is so instantly rewarding. I wish me saying this can't go on could wake him up but it just makes him feel bad and put even more of his efforts elsewhere.

I also think we've grown apart personality wise, the last number of years which doesn't help. If I ever change my mind on a night out, or do something a bit random he accuses me of being a child. I spent years not being able to tap into my own needs so its quite fun for me to begin to think about what I may want sometimes now. Not for him though.

Having said that I could think of specific things. Everything just feels so entrenched though. Like even if he planned a meal, it'd feel like 1 cm towards a long journey.

Dappled - whats your own plans?

I too swing between thinking i am planning to leave after youngest has done A levels, then I swing back to the status quo. I feel financially vulnerable as was SAHM for a number of years and i regret not putting in place more training so i had a more stable career path although I work p/t but wouldn't feel financially that secure.

DH and i have been a stable parenting team and focused most of our energies on raising kids, but i feel bored by the relationship and i miss having a sex life (this has gone on for years). I do share some of this with a old, close female friend but not the reality about lack of sex. I feel that i have a stable life, DH is a good person, works hard, caring towards kids, financially reliable and organised. But we have little connection as a couple. We had a big talk a couple of months ago and he admitted "it wasn't working" and i agreed but we seem to reach this point but then can't go through with it - the hassle, money, kids. But then i get days when i feel so flat. Forgotten what it's like to feel cherished, to be made to feel special. I don't blame him. I don't fancy him anymore so i don't make an effort either. I had a major operation last year which made me vulnerable. He was kind and concerned but even then i didn't feel really loved. He didn't bring me treats or really spoil me ( was off work for 6 weeks). That really made me think more about how much i missed being in a fully loving relationship.

I had similar. I left last autumn. I am much happier now. I think once the love has gone, it's done really.

Separation sounds like it would suit you both. Neither of you sound happy

Alisvol - Thanks, that feels hopeful!

And Dappled, very similar feelings and story! Except my ds is much younger unfortunately with regards to situation. I work p/t too but have health issues so really worry about my ability to provide for myself in a f/t role and I'm in an industry which isn't secure.

'He was kind and concerned but even then i didn't feel loved.' - I could've written this. And I think this makes it really really difficult. I wonder if I would be able to meet someone who cherished me (and viceversa) or if I stop it somehow or wouldn't attract it.

And friends yes, it's hard to discuss as in I don't either except with one close friend too and that's hard as they are friends with him too. All my other friends/neighbours think he's great and tell me so all the time. So I end up feeling quite fraudulent and lonely. I imagine if it ended it would be me initiating it so I'd be the badguy, I'd probably have to move out (how this would work financially???)I wonder how many people would ignore me and what my ds would think of me for years to come. Even though dp has checked out emotionally for years now.

I keep trying to weigh up what is just plain old long-term relationship realistic stuff, maybe a few years like this is normal Vs this is a crap way to be.

And sex, oh to have loving sex and snuggle up together to go to sleep.

Kisses, cuddles & sex with connection are the things I couldn't do my marriage without, this is when DH shows his love & if it was lacking I would walk.

IMO I feel that, yes, part of what we're experiencing is the hum drum reality of married life. For better or worse, quite literally. I read somewhere recently that we sometimes become almost bored/fed up with ourselves and project this onto our partners. I think an almost existential tedium can set in to a marriage if we don't take care. The paradox is there's a comfort to that routine and stability, but we kind of want our cake and eat it in the sense that we yearn to feel excitement and feel excited too. It's almost like asking for a contradiction - asking to be excited by this person we know so well and yet who also knows us so well. There's nowhere to hide in a marriage - it's a warts and all scenario. The idea of another partner can appear tantalising, but I often think would the same thing occur again when the novelty wears off?

OP I came across this thread being recommended on another thread.
When you mention how he minimizes your needs and treats you like a child I remembered it and wonder if you may find some of his behaviour described here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles