What is fair ?

[kittensinmydinner1]

NC for this as the set up could be quite identifying but been here long enough to quote the penis beaker, Pom bears and naice ham..

We are a couple, married for 7 years. Between us we have 7 children but 2 are flown the coop. So left with my two, 19 (at Uni 2 days a week living at home - student loan) and 15 in yr 10.
19 yr old diagnosed with ADD at 8yrs old. Emotionally less mature than most his age. Has taken a while to find his way. His Mother mollycoddles him, his stepfather thinks he needs to get a grip, grow up and start contributing to the household...

Step-father has 3 children still at school. Early - mid teens. Sees them every fortnight without fail, never missed in ten years. Half of all school holidays.

The 'what is fair ?' Issue is about money. The wife in this marriage works full time. Always has. Has a very secure job in the public sector, pension been there 25 yrs. Takes home 2100 a month. Husband works in private sector. Contract work. Very insecure. Contracts can end at a weeks notice. No sickpay, No benefits as S/e . High risk but high reward. Average take home £5000 a month . Expenses are £500 child maintenance (v low , I know but private arrangement and agreed as part of whole package signing over house to ex - who is happy with the arrangement) Rent (too old to buy again after divorces) £1350. Household expenses after rent £1300
Wife's expenses £196 for her car . Husband owns his outright.

What is a fair division . How much should each pay towards household costs. There is no joint account.

Don't want to say which one (husband or wife) I am, as want unbiased honest answers. This argument has troubled our marriage for years an we both would like to know what others think is fair .

I think if you're married why not just have a family pot? They might not be your biological children or your wife's biological children but you're married and so it would be easier to just put it all together. Sounds like you don't want that though. Money can cause so many problems and tear families apart. Might be worth having a good think about this and what you want. Showing your wife suggestions from the Internet might not be the best bet.

Sorry post above written assuming the OP was the husband! Didn't read your post above saying you were the wife

Sorry OP but your DH seems to have a very unfair opinion of how step kids should be treated. Also, making you use all your pay on necessaries, so you have to go cap in hand to him is extremely controlling. Not so much a money issue as a controlling dh I feel. I don't think he's going to be swayed by advice from MN, but good luck. I would see the only way to maintain fairness is a joint account for bills, personally. But I see he would have a problem with this.

I can see why he and his first wife split.

What exactly would happen if you had a serious illness or accident and couldn't work?
Sorry but being in a relationship/real love does mean supporting each other financially.

When my dad and step mum married, she bought no equity to the relationship.

He only had me, and I was grown up and moved out. She had 3/4 of her kids still living at home.

They pooled finances and everything is split equally. In the wills, everything is split equally.

I'd have respected my dad a hell of a lot less if it wasn't this way. Marriage should be an equal partnership and no distinction between the 2 previous families to ensure successful blending.

I think 50/50 - and then anything that is left for each of them should kind of be for he good of everyone but I guess she would pay for her own car ?
All families do this differently I know - it's a tough one but I wouldn't do too much mine and yours!

Am I missing something?

One pot. You're married. Good grief if he's splitting stuff up like this in his head and it's causing an ongoing issue that would bother me a lot.

My DH earns 5x what I do. Support for his step children (my two at uni) comes from our joint pot. I do contribute in other ways in our marriage, but not financially. Bigger picture, surely?

What the heck is he paying if yu pay the household stuff? Just the rent then?

Totally wrong IMO.
No way you can split 50/50 the cost of living when you earn the same amount of money.
The fact that you have your dcs at home doesn't matter. He knew that when he married tu and therefore also took the responsibility to look after them, cost incl, at the same time.

My own choice would be one pot of money.
My second, the same amount of disposable income for both partners.
I would look at who much he is earning in a year in average to see what this should be.

Why on earth is he so secretive re money??? Esp as y U are married so really everything that is HIS is yours too...