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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just Go, or Tell Him Face to Face?

14 replies

DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:04

It's over between my partner & I. Absolutely, definitely - the final nail being called by my DS (11) Safeguarding Officer at school telling me that he had disclosed his dad's behaviour (most recently -
physically; barging him intentionally with a heavy bag, bruising his ribs; emotionally; name calling, swearing, negative persuasion to name a few).
The last few years have been full of excuses to stay - DS illness, unemployment, difficult pregnancies, etc. but I'm all out.
My question really is, do I pack and leave with the children whilst he is at work, leaving a note - or do I attempt a conversation face to face? I feel sick to the stomach at either prospect right now, but know it needs to be done.

OP posts:
Esoteric · 06/04/2017 14:14

Letter and leave is my advice if you have somewhere to go to !

Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 14:16

He's abusive and if you stick around to tell him is literally to become even more abusive. Take your kids, take your stuff and go when he's not around for you and your kids safety do not directly tell him!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 06/04/2017 14:18

When I left my abusive ex I hired a van for when he was at work. . Didn't leave a note as had told him weeks before - tho he didn't believe me at all. .
Leave a note then block contact. Tell him to contact you through a solicitor and a post box address which you will send on to him.

Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:19

Thank you both. It has taken me a long time to wake up to everything that has happened and realise that our situation is not normal, and that his moods are not my fault / the childrens' fault.
Not sure why I feel I owe him anything by giving him an explanation face to face, and can imagine that if I catch him in the wrong mood it could go very wrong very quickly.
The thing that has thrown me, I think, is that after every episode or anger / rage / derogatory comment, he is the typical 'nice guy' and we have a lot of years behind us.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/04/2017 14:19

I wouldn't pack up and leave if there's even the slightest chance he'll walk in when you're in the middle of it. Or rather I wouldn't do that alone.

Do you want to stay in your current home, or do you have somewhere to move to?

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:20

That sounds absolutely horrendous, get your son away from him now, face to face, for what, so he can reel you in again or give you his crocodile tears; why are you even giving him your oxygen; he should be locked up.

You need to do it all behind his back if you are serious about going.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:21

Nice guy, abusing your son, both mentally and physically?

Yes you need to get away now because you are still making excuses for the evil little toad.

Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:22

Thank you Wishiwasmoiradingle2017, I hadn't thought of being so organised as to hire a van! I hope you are rebuilding your life, and feel better for moving on?
Does taking SUCH a bold stance make it more likely that he will react badly though (in terms of blocking contact, etc.), especially where the children / visitation is concerned?

OP posts:
Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:23

Good point, ImperialBlether, I will plan that very carefully. I have relatives who can help, and really I don't give two figs about taking much stuff, so I hope it could be a quick exit.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:25

Adora10 I absolutely agree with your viewpoint, and I am just so proud of my son to have taken a stand and been brave enough to report everything to his teachers.
I thought I'd done a good enough job of hiding partner's behaviour over the years - it has been really eye opening to know how much DS has been affected, and I can now only beat myself up over that, and the likelihood that his brother and sister have also been more affected than I know

OP posts:
Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:26

Why oh why does it feel so hard to leave? :(

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:32

You can't hide someone personality though; why should you have to hide anything from your children; it's so unhealthy when you can have a free and loving household for them.

Well they wont be affected any more and hopefully as the years pass they will forget the utter brute.

You need to remember it's you who has the power here not them so get on and do it; you have them for company now; you certainly can't allow him to carry on this abuse.

Original poster
DiddlyDee123 · 06/04/2017 14:35

Thank you, Adora10, that's just the kind of kick up the backside that I need!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:36

Good! You can do this; this is not your fault, you now know what he's capable of and are doing something about it! You will not regret it.

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