If you are lonely in a relationship?

[cherryberrymum]

I have been listening to Jeremy Vine and I have had a lightening bolt moment. I am lonely in my relationship. I have been with OH for 9 yrs we have two kids. He works away during the week and this is not going to change any time soon. I have an excellent standard of life and I love all my children and I love my OH. I feel so ungrateful saying it but I do feel so lonely. I don't think my OH communicates well and I feel very in the dark about his life. Some nights he doesn't even text and I sit at home feeling so sad. I know it can't be easy working away from home but I just think he is unaware how I feel. I have tried talking to him recently about our relationship but he seems to think it's all fine!

Could I please have some advice on how to approach the subject please.

TIA

I'd feel the same as you OP; I'd not like him working away but I know we all have to make sacrifices like this but his attitude is a bit off anyway; you both need to really work at making this a good marriage especially if he is working away; you need to try even harder to keep that spark and keep involved; but he has to do it too!

In the dark about his life? I hope he's not leading a double one, it does happen sometimes with men working away, not good.

Well when I say in the dark I don't mean I have no idea! I know his colleagues we have a flat there which he stays in and I go probably once a month and stay there with the kids. I mean daily we miss out on that daily small talk so I don't hear little things about daily life.

Also I know that on the nights he has little contact it's usually because he is exhausted.

I don't think my OH communicates well and I feel very in the dark about his life

Sounds like he's a bit emotionally closed off; he needs to open up, especially with being away all week; I'd not be happy not knowing everything he is doing whilst away; it sounds like you don't know what he's doing because he's such a bad communicator; I think for it to work he's going to have to open up to you and be a bit more understanding that even if he's tired so are you and you are holding the fort at home and ensuring family life ticks over, you are just as important.

Thank you Adora! You answered my question perfectly. I know if I say I'm unhappy when he doesn't communicate he says he's just tired but I don't think that's good enough. I will probably quote you word for word when I talk to him. I'm crap at this kind of confrontational chat though so I just wonder how to bring up the subject.

Well don't be confrontational haha, be more like, I want us to communicate better, let's look at ways of doing that.

You will be fine OP; get talking.

I won't be. I'm trying to bridge the gap between. " hey honey Welcome home" to " I'm lonely and I think it's ur fault." Lol.

Yes, haha.

Why not have a quick chat the nights he's away? I hate texting when I'm tired but I realise lots of people don't like speaking on the phone these days.

I think I'll suggest he defo rings alternate nights and that will suffice. Even a FaceTime for the kids.

Hi cherry . My husband works away during the week also , I take this opportunity to be with my kids and watch trash TV and surf the net. Generally do what I want. Yes sometimes it's lonely but you can change that if you want and mix with others.
Personally I think that weekends are quality time .
When he does happen to be home during the week it's all gets caught up in the mundane everyday crap, when everyone gets tired and needs to organise for the next school/ working day.
Quality not quantity.

I feel lonely sometimes too. My DP has ASD and is an academic in an esoteric and highly abstract area. He spends a lot of time in his own head. I have cultivated lots of friendships and make sure that I get support outside the relationship. I see films, plays, and shows with friends or alone but I'm fine with that.

I am incredibly lonely, but almost never alone.

I don't feel DH and I have much in common any more, apart from the kids.

He gets his hobby, but what I want to do gets so heavily policed and analysed that I never really get to do anything spontaneous or my own choice.

He's out this evening so I'm stuck at home with the kids.

Don'taskme do you have any contact with your husband during the week?

Moderate how does he police what you want to do? Is it a financial thing?

He makes it seem "unreasonable". Eg going to visit family is unfair because I'm going for 2 days when his hobby is only for 3 hours one of the days (plus 6 hours the previous weekend, one evening a week, and 3 weeks in the summer).

Going to running club is seen as OK (until he discovered one of my male work colleagues also went and now its " sending him the wrong signals" and therefore unfair on DH).

I love going to the cinema, by myself. But this is me excluding him and he gets suspicious about who I might be meeting.

Lots of other examples.

Basically, if its not an activity he approves of he makes it seem unreasonable and by the time I've argued a case all the fun has been sucked out of it.

I'm so so sorry Moderate. That's not a great place to be. 💐
I don't even feel like I can proffer advice since I can barely sort my own issues. I think our own feelings make us our own worst enemies sometimes

Thanks cherry. Its a bit shit.

We went to relate 2 weeks ago, which was eye opening.

He was appalled when I suggested it, but then realised I was serious that I was unhappy.

Would you consider something like that? Even if just do find some ground rules for communicating?

Are you getting a break at the weekends at all?

Well I have good friends who I see during the day when my kids are at school. I also do some volunteer work so I have lots of interaction. I just feel he is very separate from us. Yes he's invested in us 💯 at the weekend but that's two days. The rest of the week he feels very distant. He said it's his job but I don't think that's good enough. I'd love to try counselling.

What shock did your DH get moderate. Was he oblivious to how unhappy I are?

@ModerateBecomingGoodLater I feel like that. My dh and I don't have a lot in common now. We've got kids and the younger two have disabilities and love their dad so I can't see us splitting any time soon. But I am lonely a lot of the time.

@cherryberrymum he wasn't oblivious, but he thought he was doing enough to make it OK by helping with laundry now and then. We both work full time, so I get lots of adult interaction at work but don't get to do socialising with colleagues.

We've only had one session, but I'm hoping it will be a safe space where I can voice concerns and not be argued down. I need him to hear that I'm not going to be in this relationship for the next 20 plus years. Either we change, or we split.

@Msqueen33 I'm sorry you are going through it too. I feel my sense of self has been eroded to the point I wouldn't know fun if it bit me!

I'm at the start of this. I genuinely don't believe my OH realises how I feel. I hope not anyway otherwise that kinda implies he doesn't give a shit. 🤔

I can be guilty of over thinking things too.

It sounds like you want to make it work though, so you have to hope he's on the same page. As you say, the alternative is that he doesn't care, which is worse than being clueless.

Well I do want to make it work. I have avoiding saying anything because I don't want to find out that he did know I was unhappy. But after listening to Jeremy Vine today I'm certain I need to confront this.

Hi cherry.
Usually a couple of phone calls during week but depends as we both work full time and by the time kids taxis for extra curricula stuff done either one or both knackered !
I find the phone calls are better when not under pressure , got stuff to say etc. Otherwise can be almost ticked the box type thing.
Why don't you start just sending random text mid week and maybe a phone call. It might start the ball rolling ?