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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not again. Can I forgive twice?

22 replies

ChocBubbles · 08/03/2007 18:48

Anyone out there, I could use some words of experience.
Long story kinda shortened.....I have had some funny gyny symptoms this week so decided to ring nhs direct for advice, she asked if it could be an sti? No, said I.
When I told dp this he totally clammed up, strange! After some encouragement and knowing him too well he came home this aft to tell me he had an affair with a work colleague for 9 months last year. Apparently he was weak and confused, easily flattered and depressed from the death of his dad. To top it all though this is not the first time, he had a very brief fling in 2004.
He has said that he knows it is me he wants, but then again she doesn't want him, apparently she was just using him. Shame.
But he said this last time. I feel so confused and numb, I love him to pieces but feel very used. I am really that bad to make him do this, I could not even contemplate doing the same to him.
Help me.

OP posts:

aol · 08/03/2007 18:50

ChocBubbles - you are not bad; he is a wanker.

Do you really want to be with him?

Dior · 08/03/2007 18:51

Message withdrawn

aol · 08/03/2007 18:53

Dior, I still haven't sent off your letter. Have not been so hot recently and have been very lax with everything.

Sorry CB! Hijack over>>

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 08/03/2007 18:54

No. I think he has shown his lack of respect for you loud and clear. Sorry.

beansprout · 08/03/2007 18:55

Nine months is a long time to sustain something. Not just a lapse of judgement or anything. And he has clearly put you at risk by having unprotected sex.

What would you advise me if I were asking the same question?

april74 · 08/03/2007 18:57

Agree he has shown lack of respect, if you forgive him a 2nd time, there could well be a thread asking can you forgive a 3rd time.

Sorry

Original poster

ChocBubbles · 08/03/2007 18:58

aol - my sentiments exactly, but he is fantastic to my and our ds. He is gentle, tender and kind, great around the house and loved by all - ba*rd.

Dior - would being without him hurt even more? Don't no, can't imagine there is anyone else out there that would make me feel the same.
I know I should but they didn't actually say it was an sti, just the symptoms could be (slim chance). I was more hopeful that it would be pregnancy symptons, seems like we have been trying forever and even through both his flings.
Is it too complicated to say goodbye.

OP posts:

beansprout · 08/03/2007 19:00

Well then, you have answered your own question and you need to forgive him.

I'm not of the "chuck him out" brigade as I know things are not always that simple. It's hard to be with someone you don't trust though, but I wish you well

wurlywurly · 08/03/2007 19:08

If it was me ,then i dont think i could forgive him twice. I think both of you need to sit down and discuss what he thinks he gets from being with someone else. At the same time, dont allow him to fob you off and walk all over you.

Oh and get to the doctors and get your self checked out.

frumpygrumpy · 08/03/2007 19:08

I think its good he told you and came clean. I think its bloody stupid he had unprotected sex. I can't say what the right thing is for your relationship but you sound calm about it all. Its only a problem if its a problem to you. I don't mean you should allow him to treat you as a doormat but.......I don't know how to explain it......you don't sound like you want to walk away....so......is it tolerable? Is it manageable? Or does it hurt too much and do you feel humiliated? How would you feel if his flings became part of your relationship?

LilyLoo · 08/03/2007 19:09

Poor you Choc. It isn't easy to make that decision to walk away when there are children involved unfortunately you can't be as selfish as him. If you are going to try again maybe some help from Relate might help as it seems he hasn't realised how difficult it has been for you going through all this once before. Definately don't blame yourself he is to blame for his own apparent weakness. Be strong.

Blu · 08/03/2007 19:11

I wonder what you can do to try and get him to have more respect for you and less selfish ego-massaging of his own in future, though?

If you just go 'oh, ok, I forgive you' h will definitely carry on doing it.

And I would get yourself checked out - he clearly thinks there is a chance you could have picked up an STI, even if you haven't, in the end.

Original poster

ChocBubbles · 08/03/2007 19:15

That's what is worrying me, if it happens again, especially as he managed to keep it from me for so long. There is no way I want to even contemplate sharing him, with anyone.
How I am feeling at the moment I could never trust anything he says to me. I wish I could make he see how this feels but I don't think it is in my nature, even though I have spouted the tidal wave of abuse at him which did include the fact that if I got the opportunity I would flaunt it under his nose....all hot air!
If someone could just pick me up (and ds), give me a secure home and a new life I would probably take it so that I don't have to go through this.

OP posts:

MumEve · 09/03/2007 05:21

Dear ChocBubbles - am sorry to hear that you are going through this and although no-one can tell you whether or not he is worth sticking in there with, what I would ask you to think about is the cost to your own self esteem.
Not being able to trust the person you are with eats away at your own sense of self and sometimes you end up doubting yourself in the process, so please remember, you have done nothing wrong to deserve these multiple betrayals.
You deserve much better than this, although of course we can empathise with the reasons why some people cheat, they are still no excuse to do so. It sounds like he is the one who needs a long hard think about what he wants in life and what he's doing.
Hang in there, will be thinking of you.

stoppinattwo · 09/03/2007 06:20

CB am soooo sorry this has happened, agreed you cant "bin him off " unless your hearts really in it .........or not. You do need to talk about it though.

I would however sent a letter into this work colleague, at work informing them that they possibly have and STI, oh and forget to put personal on the front of the envelope , oh yes and forgot to put your name on it too. Well you dont have to but it would be fun!!

Dior · 09/03/2007 14:27

Message withdrawn

WaynettaSlob · 09/03/2007 14:30

So he was having an affair while you were TTC? Charming.
While you're working all this out in your head, please please please do NOT sleep with him or think a baby will make it better.

kimi · 09/03/2007 14:34

CB its not anything you have done, its the fact he can't keep his pants up that is the problem.
A one night stand is a weakness NOT a nine month affair.

nogoes · 09/03/2007 14:38

Yes I agree with Dior. Once is forgivable, twice most certainly is not and it went on for 9 months?? No you are better off without him. He says that he wants you because he feels that staying is the easy option. He doesn't have any respect or real feelings for you.

GRUMPYGIRL · 09/03/2007 14:41

I think you have already decided you WILL forgive twice. So will you forgive a 3rd, 4th, 5th time?

Hes been having unprotected sex and may have given you an STI...what if it turned out to be HIV next time? What if he got her pregnant? What if the next sti he give you makes it impossible for you to have more children? Sorry to raise awkward questions but all worth thinking about.

You and your children deserve better...I know it is EASY to say this but lots of us have been there and found out that, you know what, there ARE better men out there who dont need to drop their pants every time their ego feels a little low!

GRUMPYGIRL · 09/03/2007 14:44

Stoppinattwo - Ohh I would SOOOO do that (anonymously) imagine it being opened in the post room!! But then im an evil witch im sure Bubbles is a much better person than me!

mylittlestar · 09/03/2007 14:56

this is horrendous. you love him so much, he's fantastic with you, great dad, everyone loves him - and then he goes and hurts you in the worst possible way.

it seems like you've made your mind up to forgive him. and i admire you for it because it takes a lot of strength to want to forgive someone who's hurt you more than anyone else in the world.

but love is a powerful thing.

the only thing i would say is definitely do not be a doormat. if you decide to forgive him and make it work he has to make you feel like you are the centre of his universe. he has to try 150%, and he has to take full responsibility and do everything in his power to regain your trust and your respect.

if you both want it, then it can work.
you've done the hardest bit by facing up to it as an adult and understanding the importance of your relationship.
his turn now to do the hard part. make him realise that.

stay strong. you deserve so much more.

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