DH has ended it. Not a total surprise so why am I so broken? Maybe posting will make it feel more real.

[cryinginthebreaks]

Long time lurker. Seen good advice on here. Not sure what I am hoping to get from this. Maybe by writing it I will feel less alone and it will feel more real. I want to give a balanced account and admit that I am to blame and know this is not all in his camp. I feel raw and am crying at breaks during my day when I can and I feel totally crushed but need to start on the road to something other than despair. I hate feeling like this and would appreciate any support.

Been together for 16 years, married for half. 2 DC- 4 and under. Am 38. Both work though I work more (full time). He has always been someone who enjoys his own company and interests- both of which I was and am fine with- have supported interests both in terms of time and money. Years ago following bereavement of close family I found I enjoyed affection rather than sex and I realise now (also from reading on here) how hard that was for him. It was never my intention to reject him but I understand that is how he felt. We went to counselling and we agreed that we would work on this and that he would also do more (and I mean anything) around the house, our relationship, making an effort etc- none of which he was doing and it left me feeling less attracted to him and more exhausted.

Things improved but with the arrival of 2 young children I was left to do more and more. He has a health condition so guards his sleep. Leaving me to do all night waking and feeding etc- taking himself to the spare room so as not to be disturbed and never moved out again despite me asking him several times to and despite the DC rarely being up. I do everything- working (stressful job), dealing with all house everything despite asking and directing him to even take on some jobs. I do everything and it is not out of choice or control- it just would not happen otherwise.

For the last 2 years he has said on and off that he wishes the children were not here and at times is very impatient with them. When I see he is tired or struggling I take on even more- taking the children out etc and giving him entire days etc to himself. He has continued with hobbies and interests and added to them. I notice that his possessions have increased while I do not even have enough clothes. We have significant debt that we are paying off every month- this is down to me- he would ignore it. Even if we pay over and above what we can afford realistically it will take well over a year and our house is needing things done to it.

Sorry I am rambling on. Last week he was really impatient and called the youngest DC a name- now this is a red rag to me. I can handle being the subject of his moods etc but I did not have that as a child and neither should my DC. DC was just taking longer to settle than usual- we have lovely DC and he has zip patience at all. I spoke to him afterwards and said it was not on and we have been here before and is this what he really wants for the DC. There followed a long conversation with tears from both sides. He said that he recognises that he has been vile to me for the past 6 months and he is sorry for this. He thought he would be mature enough to manage his emotions better and he is sorry he didn't. Of course you don't me but I am someone who makes the best of whatever comes my way. I am able to look at myself and give myself a wake up call when I should be better. If I could help you I would. Even putting a shine on it he has been vile to me over the past 6 months, rude, nasty for no reason, puts me down and has been spending as little time as possible with me and the DC. He had another health scare and while it was not the bad news he expected he said that he knows he no longer wants to be with me. Does not feel the same for me- no sparkle- admits that at times he looks at me and hates me. Said sorry that he is not able to do this and that he does not enjoy being a father and knows that while people will think little of him for walking away he just can't bear it anymore.

I have not had my head in the sand- we have not had sex since our youngest came. He avoids any attempts I make to have some time together- he remains in the spare room but is in another room as soon as the DC are in bed. Friends have commented on how selfish he is- I have always defended him. I should have paid more attention to his feelings years ago and I told him that- I said sorry I did not do more and I am sorry we are here but I had a glimmer of hope we could be a couple again with the relationship that it brings. I asked if there is someone else (based on reading here) and he said no. He has known for 6 months now that he wants no relationship with me even though I am his best friend. I know he hates that I have gained weight since the babies and that has always been reason why he does not to be intimate with me. I have lost over a stone in the past 6 months which is acknowledged but says it is too late. I hoped we could get the speak back and was showing in actions that I care for him and was carving out time together (rejected by him). He says that is not how he looks at things and that it is too late. While I hoped for the spark to return in all honesty I did not ever picture what that would even look like. I admit it is hard to feel affection towards someone who has been so horrible to me and willing to sit back while I work all the time.

I have a lovely family and friends but I don't feel able to tell them. I am unsure I can cope with their anger and disappointment right now. I never think someone has failed when they have seperated/ divorced but I feel I have failed- most of all I feel I have failed my DC and when I think they could be away from me regularly I just start crying all over again. I can't believe it has come to this- yet it is hardly shocking. He said he may be a better father when away from me.

He told me I am kinder and stronger than him and this may be a massive regret on his part and that he may be ill and grumpy and you know I cried for him and I know I should be putting DC and I first here not his feelings. It has been about him and supporting him for too long and where has it got me.

I am so sorry this is so long and you know I don't even think I have even said it right. I have found the last week so difficult but we have to live together until debts are paid off so I have not told anyone- yet seeing family etc feels like living a lie. Once I tell others its out and that is it but I feel so lonely and feel like I have failed my DC so badly and am sat here yet again in floods of tears and I don't know how to make this better.

You'd sound like a really lovely person and he sounds like a complete arse.
I think in a few years time you will look back and be so much happier without him. It's just getting through these few years that will be the challenge! Friends and family will be your biggest strength (and wine and chocolate! )

I had to stop reading because I feel so angry on your behalf OP; why are you being a martyr for another human that treats you so badly; he's using you and giving you nothing in return; imagine if you could be with a partner that appreciated all you did and took an active role in being your equal; you only get one life OP, and this one you are living means you are basically sacrificing your own happiness for a self centred selfish git; you can stop it any time though and I'd encourage you to do so; you won't get anything from him expect demands.

Hi, just wanted to say that even though it will be difficult, I think you should tell someone - either a close friend or a relative. You will feel less alone and you really need some support right now. It may not feel like it now but you WILL get through this.

Imi he thinks he is not depressed but I know he feels quite lacking in hope in areas of his life and is worried about his family. It has affected us more than I think he realises. I appreciate parenting is hard- I enjoy it and have no regrets but I have found parts of it hard- the relentlessness probably the most. We have different attitudes I guess- I think you have to make the best of things and give things your best. He is throwing in the towel and it makes me sad and angry if I am honest that he is willing to do that. He is leaving me to get on with it- it would not be conceivable or acceptable to him for me to do this.

Since he has told me this is the end he has been kinder to me- has bought the soft drink I like and out it in the fridge- it is a small thing I know but when I saw it there I cried- I can;t remember the last time he has done anything like that. He has made an effort to talk to me when he comes in and when he sees me crying asks if I am ok- clearly I am not but he asks. He has been noticably more patient with the DC. He can do this now= now he is free of the weight/ burden of telling me it is over but could not find it within him to be kind to us before. I don't understand this. I know I need to face reality and I am trying to. Thank you everyone- your words mean more that you will know. I do think telling someone might help but I can't face it right now.

So I have continued to cry on and off and am yo yoing through emotions. If anyone has been through similar I would really appreciate your advice/ experience if what I am feeling is normal or what he is doing is normal. He is being nicer and kinder to me than he has on recent history. He chats away and is being way way more patient with the children than ever. Today I looked at him with the kids and I surprised myself with the rage I felt- so much so I left the room. That he has hurt them and will change all for them because he has failed to make any real effort/ take any responsibility for himself and his part in our relationship as a couple and as a family. TIA

I have still not spoken to anyone. I feel alone. I need to but I feel it will be hard to contain after this.

Now's the time to become matter of fact...let's talk about when you can move out, let's talk about custody arrangements etc etc. Don't be grateful just because he bought your favourite drink, that shows how little you've come to expect from him.

He's done you a favour and you need to believe that...fake it until you make it. You might find his attitude changes somewhat if he suddenly realises how much better off you're about to become and how much worse off he is.

Good luck, I really feel for you

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think your husband hasn't been able to cope with the reality of a family life. This is selfish and unfair but it's the facts.
I think it may be the best thing in the long run as he obviously can't be the husband and father you all deserve. You may find he is actually a better dad once you are living separately.
I am 2.5 years along from my husband leaving. It's hard but we are getting there. Kids enjoy spending time with us both and I am much more myself than I was for a long time. It isnt what I would have chosen but I realise now I did feel more lonely in my marriage sometimes.
Get some advice re your debts and talk to people who love you. Talking helps x

Thanks Ebay and Brandnew- you take sense. I dread talking custody- so what now he will want them and be better- great for them and I know I would never stand in the way of that relationship but I did not have my DC not to see them/ have them and even writing that makes me tear up. They are a piece of me- not in an ownership way but that I miss them when I don't see them and the thought of this being regular and for days at a time makes me want to be physically sick.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is very similar to something I could have written nearly three years ago. STBX was lining up an OW for about another year, but a lot of the stresses sound very similar.

I have had a truly dreadful time trying to come through it, I won't lie. But partly that was because STBX told many many lies, both large and small, heinous and pathetic. If your DH is not lying you will get through it faster, I'm sure.

Recently I found my anger (only after a dear friend observed I hadn't seemed to have got in touch with it yet). It seemed to clear a blockage and move things on a lot. I am unbelievably clearer, happier, more positive now. STBX is a fecking idiot and everyone knows it. I don't even care any more (and believe me when I say I truly never thought I would be able to say that). Your DH had behaved like a dick - sorry, there it is. I have lost three stone since we separated - it was like I just couldn't when he was judging me for being fat, when he wasn't making the changes that would have motivated me to be better. It was a situation between us rather than solely a lack of willpower on my part.

I will echo what other posters have said - it would be helpful to speak to someone, even one person, in RL. That moved things on massively for me too. It makes it real and it gives you the reality check that it isn't your fault, the DCs will get over it (mine are finding it hard, but we talk openly and they are getting though it)- and you will get over it too.

Truly, you will.

I think you should tell at least a couple of people, close friends, your manager, your DC's teachers.
You haven't done anything wrong and suffering in silence is terrible for your mental and physical health. Also, it's only in expressing your feelings that you'll reach the point where you start to see clearly again.
Find your rage, use it to fuel a steely determination to sort out this mess and fight every step of the way for a fair settlement for you and your DCs.

I'm struggling to see where you're at fault here.

• He's selfish
• He's not a good dad
• He's rejected you

-He's lazy around the house -You work more than him

He's really not what a husband should be.

Please try and be strong enough to recognise you are worth more than this.

Don't beg or persuade him to come back.

Continue looking after your health and loosing the weight for yourself.

Be the best mum to your children and establish firm boundaries with him.

Most of all of - don't let him mess you around.

I for one lean to him having an OW.

OP, this is not your fault. He sounds like an entitled spoilt man-child. He has checked out of this marriage and has been cruel and disrespectful to you along the way, you - the mother of his kids - those kids he has confessed to regret fathering.

He's an absolute prize isn't he?

See a solicitor, get legal advice. The debts can be managed whether you live together or not. Yes the're a factor, but the're not more important than your well being.

Tell him that you need space to think, ideally get him to leave. Take control here, get strong. The atmosphere will lift if you can have a break to think. This isn't your fault so don't protect him by keeping it a secret. There's no shame on your side; you have done nothing wrong (except, perhaps take on responsibility for his happiness, but many of us are guilty of that).

Don't wait a year and live a lie because of debts. They can be factored in, Do take control and focus on yourself. He doesn't love you, that's his loss, so let him start to man up and face the consequences.

You sound lovely and I bet there is loads of real life support waiting in the wings from family and friends. So tell them. The truth - what he said, how he's treated you. I wager that one or two might not be too surprised. Throw a light on his poor behaviour and it might just force the silly man-child to grow up. Reach out and grab support.

Don't live a lie, get real life support and legal advice. Take control. You're worth so much more than this.

So the last 2 nights 'D'H has cooked tea. Yes it should be expected as he has been the first one home but he has probably cooked tea twice in the 6 months. I am keeping out of his way as much as possible once the kids are in bed as I am finding myself swinging between emotions including real sadness (fora relationship long over) and anger at him all of a sudden doing normal/kind things that he has not found it within his reach to do until now. How am I supposed to handle this- is this usual? I think I will talk to a friend soon- I think that will help.

I do not want to cry in front of him now. He was short with me yesterday over something small and when he said sorry over an hour later I cried. He saw it and I removed myself and I thought later- well cryinginthebreaks this is the real him. NAsty over nothing- no real partner and no care or respect for me. But this helpful in the house )well not helpful in that he is doing more than he should- just doing the bare minimum- why is he doing this.

What Cary said. Copy/put away financial records and legal papers then get to a solicitor and file for legal separation with mediation. He incurred most of these debts and you don't deserve to have to live in the same house hiding his dirty little secret for his image. Don't condone his treatment of you or be complicit in it - make it real for him. Right now he had it all his own way and the relief of all responsibilities by ditching you whilst still keeping the home comforts. Please get some legal advice.

I think you should burst his bubble here OP. He thinks he can play happy families now, because everything is on his terms. I would tell him you want to tell both of your families, and that you will go without him to your family for some relaxation and space.

You need to draw up separate finances, you both now pay exactly half of all bills because you are roommates now and that is it, you don't support him financially anymore.

You work out how much of the debt is down to him and down to you, and you will both need to pay off your share of it.

You want to explore options of him getting his own place asap. Also, you will have alternate Friday nights out where the other will watch the kids. If he can't be trusted to watch them sensibly, then he is to remove himself from the house so you can hire a babysitter without him getting in their way.

He is a cock lodger. The easiest way to deal
With him is to make him pay and work his fair share. It comes with the added benefit of him realising you were the best thing to happen to him and you've realised that and there's no way you could possibly stay with him now he's burned his bridges.

He really has done a number on you over the years, he has been incredibly selfish for YEARS

the future will be brighter, the pain does fade and your life happier.

Perhaps you don't want to tell people - not because they'll be gossipy - but as you said, you have good family and friends...it would be admitting how far this relationship fell short. And it sounds like you've worked very hard to make it work - you must be exhausted from compromising where you didn't even realise it

Time and space apart will be a good thing for you and your DC. Well done for providing them with stability, but now it sounds like you being away from OH is how best to move forward

You likely still feel loyal to your OH...I won't tell you what I think of him! But you deserve love and affection :) Consider if this had happened to a friend of yours, how you would advise them

Thank you posters for sharing your experience and advice. While I wish you had not experienced this/ similar I appreciate you taking the time to share with me. He continues to be friendly in a best friends way. He continues to attend his own hobbies- no change there. He comes to family things- again my suggestions as usual but without the underlying attitude. I continue to do things with the DC on my own. I know if I asked him about his thoughts on having the kids etc he would respond but I am not ready to have another conversation with him yet I want a clearer head and have booked to get legal advice (unknown to him). Does anyone know if the starting point is 50 50 care of children? I feel my DC are too young for this- both under 5. I admit I don't want to spend such little time with them but I don;t think it would be good for them either- is this is usual starting point?

Oh and I took PP advice and told a close friend. I am not ready to tell my lovely family yet as I am not ready to deal with their emotions and advice on it. Not strong enough for that. As expected my friend has been lovely and felt great just telling her. I cried and took up hours on the phone- she was supportive and disappointed in H but I have no regrets telling her. H knows she is aware but that is all. I am keeping my tears (mostly) away from his view. I wonder what goes on in that head of his- all is great and I will pull some weight now I am have told her I want out? I don't understand him.