I have to sit in a room with my exP tomorrow

[ZilphasHatpin]

It's a long back story but the gist of it is that SS advised me to stop contact between DCs and EXp before Xmas after my youngest disclosed some things. EXp has been attending the social worker roughly weekly since January to deal with the concerns that were raised. SW says it's now time to reinstate contact (supervised by her) but that she wants me and EXp to sit down together with her before that happens. My youngest has lots of issues so I am assuming the purpose of the meeting is to discuss what has been happening with him and what needs to happen going forward and how I'm dealing with things at home so Ex is on the same page.

That is all fine and to be expected but I am dreading it. EXP and I do not get on. We don't have any contact because when we do it always ends up in a row. He is an habitual liar and has a habit of saying everything you want to hear but following through with none of it. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him and I am anticipating being in that room, knowing he is lying about something but being unable to say so for fear it looks like I'm starting a row or being obstructive to the contact resuming. For the DC I want contact to resume. They want to see him again. But I am worried he is just going along with everything the social worker is saying and then will go back to his natural behaviours once her eyes are off him. That's not a problem for tomorrow though. Cross that bridge when we get to it. It's the meeting I am worrying about for now.

Does anyone have any advice on what to expect from this meeting? I know that's a tough question as every situation is different.

Hope it's going ok and your tongue isn't sore with you biting it!

It went better than expected. SW was fantastic. She took the lead and we didn't really have to talk to each other very much at all. He tried a couple of times to make a joke of the situation, like when he arrived we had to sit alone together in reception and when he walked in he shook his fist at me and gritted his teeth in a pretend "angry" way. I just looked away. He was a bit obstructive in the meeting, coming up with reasons why he couldn't do the things I do wrt managing DS's issues. He also didn't even know the name of DC's school when SW asked him! He named another school in town. but I just bit my tongue and didn't have to leave the room at any stage.

The bad news is I have to do this again every week ongoing! Not happy about that but I get why it's necessary.

Well done. Sounds like you did great, looking away was perfect. And I should imagine it will get a little bit easier each time-I mean to deal with him, not the thought of going.

/// for you!

Well done! Sounds like both you and sw handled him perfectly

Have well deserved tonight

Thank you both. I left the meeting feeling really pissed off/frustrated. Not really sure why other than I don't want to do it again. I've had some dinner and feel a bit more at ease with the idea now.

Sounds like he just is type to irritate/ frustrate anyway so not surprising you felt that way.

You should be really proud of yourself! (Hope that's not patronising).

Treat it like a business meeting. Ask for an agenda to be drawn up and any agreements need to written up and circulated. This will help with keeping your interactions on track and will help against him backtracking. If he starts trying to be friendly or starts cracking jokes, don an expressionless look, let him finnish and then resume with the business at hand. The goal is to not to take the bait by getting drawn in by his tricks.

I had to attend twice monthly mediation with my Ex and I was wise to his tricks. I also had a very clear idea where my boundaries were and being friends was not on my list, actually I wanted very little to do with Ex and had proposed drawing up a parenting plan to make that a reality. I specifically proposed a parallel parenting plan, this is a very detailed parenting plan where as much as possible written down. Included in mijn was a contact protocol, stating when, why and how contact should be made (only verbal if it was a medical emergency).

Ex complained about the rigidity of the plan but I explained why it was necessary and that it was to guard against him taking the mickey.

He doesn't want a friend, he wants the opportunity to dominate you in order to get his own way. His predictability however, gives you the advantage because you can plan for his bullshit in advance.

There was a moment during our eighteen months of mediation when I realised just how weak and pathetic he was and more importantly, how kick ass I was.

In my case the inevitable happened when DD's father terminated contact with her, I'm guessing because the parenting plan didn't provide him with enough space to take the piss and he had failed to intimidate and frustrate me.

Op you are so much stronger that you think you are and so much more than him.