Crying since school pick up

[user1486199588]

Don't cry very often but since picking up kids from school this afternoon I haven't stopped.

Last year we moved to a small town from London and I think I completely underestimated how easy it would be to make new friends here. Everyone said to me 'don't worry, you'll make friends at the schoolgates', etc, but it seems as though all the mummies already know each other from before or have links to each other already. I have tried quite hard to be chatty and smiley etc but I feel like people haven't really warmed to me and it's come as a bit of a shock as I had a fair few friends where we lived before. I don't know if I've been trying too hard but my husband thinks I probably have. I have invited a few mummies round for coffee but nothing has really come of it and tbh I'm just feeling really demoralised by it all. I know the main thing is that the children enjoy the new school (they do) but I selfishly wish I fitted in a bit more than I feel I have.

My husband is quite pragmatic about these things and thinks that adults in their 30s don't make new friends very often and that my expectations are far too high but I suppose if you are used to having friends it feels strange not to make new ones!

I know the answer is to carry on and not let it get you down but I wonder if anyone else has been through this and just wondered whether they had any positive words as feeling a bit lost at the minute.

It's really hard. I was in my late 30's when I moved here. It's my parents home town but I didn't grow up here (dad was army) all the other people my age went to school/college together and as (like my family) there's a high number of Catholics a lot are related to each other. But most of my rellies have moved away, certainly the cousins have as no jobs here.

There is an app called mush I've heard good things about and I've also made a few friends through meetup.com

Join some clubs, do an eve class maybe? I made a couple of my local friends through an eve class.

Good luck

If it's a smaller close knit community they probably don't understand how hard it can be to make friends somewhere new because they've never had to so they're a bit oblivious, rather than being actively mean.

But the PTA/friends of school route is a good one - it's easier to chat alongside while you're doing something rather than just eyeballing people and introducing yourself.

The territorial thing is DEFINITELY an issue in small towns, I've discussed it on another thread with another mner who found the same. Where I live there's even 2 long streets where if you live in one, you don't socialise with people from the other - ridiculous!

Give it time, OP. I moved out of London to a small town about 5 years ago when our eldest was one.
For the first couple of years I was commuting to London for work so didn't properly integrate. I've been at home for for the past 3 years and finally feel like I've made a few friends (through school and also joined a local sports club to meet people without my kids).
I'd give it a few more years - frustrating I know!

(Hugs) OP. I found it hard to make friends with parents of my oldest DCs yeargroup when we moved here. It took a few years before I found my feet socially.
Since we moved here we have found it easier to get on with other "incomers" tbh as they understand the problem.
Is there an FB group for your DCs yeargroup parents?

Thanks guys, much appreciated. I have time!! I will be patient. Tomorrow is a new day

I moved to a new town when my two dc started at school. I didn't know anyone. At the school gates strike up conversation and meet parents in the class. We have a WhatsApp group and a new girl started my ds class this week- we added her and got to know her that way (not everyone does school run). I am also on the PTA and as soul destroying as it is it helps integrate. I ha e also made friends at the gym (took a year mind so not a quick win) and via business networking.
Where I lived before was
Lots of families with similar aged children so that was easier. It does take time though- I only really found my feet 2 years in.

All that said if they are cliquey don't get involved. Find your friends elsewhere

Does the school have a PTA type thing? That would mean you would be with some of the parents without the children and might allow you to talk?Slimming clubs like slimming world, WW are also quite for chatting to people and I have seen some close friendships formed over the course of a year.
Gym classes?
Must be so hard, I would be so scared to move and lose my friends so you have been very brave. But if you are a nice person, and just be friendly and sociable it will happen eventually. Do you still see your friends for London, invite them down, go up there, to remind yourself that you are not alone?

I moved to a small village from West London 12 years ago.
I still don't have even 1 good friend around here.
Moved now to a slightly bigger village and know a lot of people but none are good friends.
I could go out on my own and always find people to sit with chat to.

I still travel to see my wonderful best friends who live a fair distance.
But we make time for each other.
I got to know a lot of people working behind a bar in the local pub.

I'm seeing my best friend in London this weekend and cannot wait to talk to someone who really knows me!! That's the hardest thing, I think, just to feel like a stranger around strangers.

People don't seem to have time to chat anymore or are suspicious of you, which I have found really hard. I think the thing is just to let go of any expectations of making any friends but to keep the hope that there will be my people here - somewhere. I felt terrible yesterday but feeling a bit better today. A lot of people are in a lot worse situations than mine, I know.

Mrs Tumbletap I didn't realise I would have to be so brave! But we had no choice but to move for my husband's specialised job, I'm afraid.

I'm not sure I fancy the PTA but maybe I should give it a go. Am looking into local groups too.

I guess the odds are that sooner or later someone else new will arrive - you should look out for that and befriend them :-)!

Definitely the PTA. I work in a small school and the PTA always need people to help, and will probably welcome you with open arms. It's a good way to get to know people and really get involved with what is going on - if you find you don't really enjoy it then you don't need to do it forever. Just do a couple of terms, or a couple of events; it will make a massive difference to how you feel about the school, and your children will benefit from your help and fundraising.

It's funny that people mention the PTA. I went once and it was like the parish council, all vying for position and wary of newcomers. I was not made welcome at all.

Maybe it was just my school, the playground was full of cliques too, or maybe I'm just a weirdo

Join clubs or volunteer, put yourself in a situation where you have to interact!
PTFA
Cub/Beaver etc volunteer (or train to be a leader)
Running, cycling, riding clubs
Patkrun
Help out at school Fayres etc

Do your dc do any activities? I've made a few friends amongst the other parents who taxi/supervise/wait for their children at the DCs activities.

Maybe you have to go more than once Howlong?

Once was plenty enough naice

A few of my friends are in the PTA and they are always organising a chocolate bingo, organising a Easter fair and tomboy a prizes, doing fun quizzes for the weekend. I don't know if it's a particularly good PTA but she has made new friends there doing that. Friends that are outside of our long time circle of friends, purely from the PTA so you would be one of those friends IYSWIM?

You haven't mentioned colleagues or work friends, are you a SAHM?

I probably should find out who runs the PTA and go along to a meeting. Am a bit worried I'll get sucked in to doing too much as I was on a committee before and it took over a bit. Should make an effort to see what it's like, though.

Mrstumbletap yes at the moment I'm a SAHM which hasn't helped matters re making friends acquaintances there have been a few reasons for that but am looking to get a job here in the next year or so.

ohidolike thanks I will keep my eyes out for any newbies. Think they are few and far between here, though!

Thanks again for all your responses, very helpful and I feel less alone / like a freak.

Volunteering for the school is a way to get yourself on the map in record time ime.

Yes there are cliques but a lot of it is shyness/social awkwardness - or plain ignorance lol. People find it easier to relate to someone with a 'role' eg selling the school sweatshirts (I saw a new mum do this and she slotted into the school within weeks).. It really is a way to climb over their social awkwardness.

That said, we moved to a different area in the same city and, oh my, I didn't make one friend. This school was weird of weirdsville didn't have any social/fundraising events at all! If they wanted money they sent letters 'asking' for (demanding) money. Joyless little place

Any other newbies? All my friends were also new to our small city.