Divorce - am I dreaming ?

[PermanentlyDumbfounded]

I desperately want to divorce my H. No abuse, no infidelities, just years upon years of crap. Anyway, that's besides the point.

We co-own our business, which undoubtedly H spends considerably more hours working on than I do. I gave up my career to be a SAHM for 8 years so have very limited (none) other options.

In my head what I would like to happen is the family home kept on by us both for the children to stay permanently resident in and for each of us to move in to / out of as dictated by any agreed custody arrangements and the business continues to be co-owned by us both and profits shared equally.

Am I on cloud cuckoo land ?

Can I get 50% cash out of the business ? Can I continue to work in the business and earn 50% profits ? Can I get a 2nd mortgage for £150k on a circa £61k pa gross salary on top of an equal share of an existing £390k mortgage ?

Has anyone kept the children in the family house and had the adults move around instead ?

Has anyone had to work with their ex ?

So many questions....

Hmmmm no experience but I'm not sure how the moving in/out around the children will work.
Presumably you will need 3 homes then unless you and exh share the non resident home too. What happens when one or both of you meets someone else/has more children? What if he leaves it in a tip every time you move in.
Hopefully someone will come along with more practical advice for you.

I think it's called 'shuttle ' parenting. You need to talk to a lawyer with business credentials to lay out best case scenario : happy medium/most likely scenario : worst case scenario to you. Find out everything possible about the business first.I do personally thinkyou're being wishful though, that nothing should change.

I found it on googled referred to 'birds-nest co-parenting. Apparently it's on the rise here from the US - I had no idea, I thought it was just some kooky idea I'd thought up.

A lawyer with business and divorce know-how is a good idea. And a mortgage advisor might be a good start.

How do you tell someone you want a divorce ? When there's no big blow-up I mean. You've just had enough and want out ?

And is it the right thing for the kids ? I always thought definitely not. That I'd made my bed and had to lay in it. But now all I can see is how I'm failing to show my DCs what a marriage should look like. What love should look like.

Knew a couple who did this. They rented a two bedroom flat and shuttled back and forth on a two week on/two week off schedule with the parent having a weekend with the children whilst they were in the flat.

It worked OK until they'd been divorced long enough to start new relationships at which point it got rocky as the two week switch off got bollocksed up with them wanting different/more/less days at the flat or partners who didn't like the shared flat idea even though they technically were never there together overnight.

Also, if this comes as a shock to your husband (as in he doesnt see it coming) then your desire for reasonableness might go out the window if he takes it badly. You are going to be upending his world and he might not want to play as nice as you.

For example, would he keep the business going - could he stop working on it and move clients (or whatever) to a new one in only his name? Could he return to employed work and let it wind down? Taking cash out now - would that adversely affect the business to the point of unstainability? Would he see it as "his" business as opposed to a real joint enterprise - if so, be prepared for a fight for that as well.

You probably need business/accounting advice as well as divorce advice so that will cost you money - well before the ambition to have more of a mortgage.

Of course I'd like to think he wouldn't let the business fold, cut me out etc. But in theory he could. I'm certain he'd be on board for maintaining the DCs home and lifestyle, so cutting me out would only mean he'd have to pay more for the house and school fees instead of splitting it 50/50. Not beyond the realms of possibility but I don't think he'd do that. As long as I was pulling my weight, I'm not under the illusion that I would work as little as I do now and still take 50% share.

Would he want to work with you though? You want to split with him and remain business partners? I think it goes back to how much he is going to expect this and how he will react.

You know him know as the person you met, fell in love with, married and had a family with. You will soon meet the person who, depending on his opinion on the marriage, you have never met and he never planned on being. Anger, disappointment, and bitterness can lead to faulty, if short-term, decision making.

I would hope for the best but plan for the worst. Do not seek a divorce because you have a fantasy version of what will happen next. You do not and cannot know. Seek a divorce because that is what you want and need but do not make assumptions about what will happen next other than the bare minimum that you can legally expect. Hence advice is required. The last thing you want to be thinking is "I wanted a divorce but wanted much of my life to remain the same" and regretting that pretty much everything did change.

Thanks everyone. Some definite food for thought.

I know the business inside out and I know there's enough money in there. But the tax implications of taking it out I'm not sure if so will see the accountant.

I had no idea 'no fault' divorce wasn't a thing! So maybe a formal separation agreement is the better option.

I need to get some clear legal advice then talk it through with H. That will be the difficult bit.