I'm making myself sick worrying about whether to meet my NC mother or not?

[HarryMolesworth]

If it sounds familiar, yes I've posted about this before. I am getting myself into a state over whether I should meet with my exdm or not? I cut her off around ten years ago, over almost nothing at the time. She wanted us to stay over (me & my family) & I didn't. I'd avoided staying at hers in the hols for 14yrs and was finally running out of excuses! In the end I very apologetically told her I just didn't trust her with my dc. She went mental obviously, slammed the phone down on me & rang back 2days later like nothing had ever happened. -I told her never to ring again and hung up. Presents etc were returned and she gave up. The back-story is that she walked out when I was a young child, leaving me with my abusive father - with predictable results. I never held this against her though, she did what she had to do at the time. What I did hold against her was all the many times in my young adulthood that she could have made it up but didn't. I'm really skirting over the details here for privacy. I know she's been very seriously ill in these last ten years and I've got it into my head she's going to die before too long. I know she desperately wants to see me but when I try to imagine what might happen afterwards I become really stressed. She was never knowingly nasty, her 'abuse' was more subtle than that. It came about from just not bonding with me, there was no nurture. This lead to some truly horrific outcomes for me. I don't know why I'm getting wound up about it? I keep trying to ask myself, what do I need? And I can't answer that. I don't want to have any regrets when she finally does die. What do I do?

God it's hard. I doubt anyone will be able to advise you what to do, it's really up to you at the end of the day and none of us have walked in your shoes.
I've been NC with my father for over 12 years. The thought of being in his company leaves me cold (I'm fretting over a family event that he will be at) I've only seen him from afar a few times, have never in all these years spoken to him or heard from him, he's never seen my DC etc. But I know in my hear of hearts I would not (could not) go through with a meeting of any sort with him. It wouldn't be good for me, and really after everything he put me through I have to put myself first.
I hope you can come to a decision that you're happy with OP, I know it's not easy.

I go through a similar thing with my DM every now and then.

I want her to be a 'proper' mum who cares about me and acts accordingly. She wasn't that for me.

If I were to get in contact I know I won't get that from her. She won't have changed. I will get the same old selfishness, pretend nurture for audiences, lies, minimisation and gaslighting. I can feel my eyes deadening just writing this. I wouldn't feel happier for it.

If I got in contact and by some miracle she had had a complete change, full of regret and genuinely being kind, thoughtful and loving towards me; no lies, minimisation or gaslighting, just honesty. Would I be happy? Nope. I'd be livid. If this was all a choice why the fuck didn't she choose differently when I was 5 when it would have made an actual difference.

Typically I then realise I don't want contact with my mother. I realise I have a current need for feeling loved or a need for comfort or a need for contact with old dear friends. Then I look at my life, see what's missing and fix that.

I think you should stay away. All the reasons you went NC are still relevant OP.

You are right there is nothing in it for you. But sometimes we need peace with ourselves and it's about moving on without guilt.
Not saying see her. Far from it. You would be unable to control that situation and could come out of it badly badly hurt.
What about a recorded video message. If she wants to see you are safe and well and happy you could show her that..You could send a letter, or a small photo book. So she could see you have everything she could wish for you.
You don't have to interact for that. And there is no element of concession, or giving away part of yourself.
I will probably think of a 100 reason why not to do that later though.

I think to have a adult relationship with a parent you have forgive for what they did wrong in your childhood. If you can't. You need to get help to get over it as it affect every part of your life.

So if you have forgiven her met her if have not don't go
Go to a councilor instead.

She has written to me expressing regret and says that she thinks about me every day.

Has she asked for anything from you in the letter?

No, she asked for nothing. It was a short letter, expressing her deep regret at our estrangement and her huge hope that one day I would feel able to contact her again. She said there's not a day she doesn't think about me.

Ahh. She wants to salve her own soul. What about the years that there was an empty void in your life where she should have been?
Sorry.. projecting a bit/talking from experience here. What good is it going to do YOU to see her now? Its an awful situation.. so tricky, people don't understand unless they've been through not having a mother. for you x

runrabbit ..'i can feel my eyes deadening just writing this' .. i know exactly what you mean!!!

Oh that gives me the rage on your behalf.

deep regret at our estrangement Not sorry for the effect her behaviour had on you. Not sorry for what she did. No no no. She is sorry she hasn't got a mother-daughter relationship.

her huge hope that one day I would feel able to contact her again Not her huge hope that you have been able to recover from the effects of her behaviour on you. Not hope that you are happy. No no no. Her huge hope that she can have attention from you.

Big fat letter of selfishness.

It could be summarised as "have you got over your silly nonsense yet harry?"

not a chance x

Harry .... I'm going to go against the stream here and say that sometimes people do change, sometimes they genuinely come to regret very deeply their action/inaction of previous years.

When a mother has let you down, nothing can make up for that. She can never again be the mum you needed as a child.

But best case, you could have some sort of relationship as adults. Limited and damaged, but something.

If you choose to meet her can you plan how you will handle the aftermath? Have you got someone who can be there for you, who you can talk to in depth, several times? Do you think you could cope with how you'd feel? If you can, then it might be good to meet. If you have an intuition that it would open up too many old hurts then it may be better not to.

Question: if you meet her, in 15 years' time do you think you would be glad you did or be sorry?

I don't think the absence of a mother can ever really be cured but if she genuinely and deeply regrets not being there for you, perhaps some measure of healing can come about. For her, but also for you. If you feel that this is something you want to do. That's what it comes down to.