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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Constantly think about my affair partner.

49 replies

dawnhere · 04/04/2017 18:50

Married for 17 years, together 20 and two kids. Around fall of last year I found but myself in an affair with a coworker of mine. Fell hard for him, it was emotional for awhile and then became physical. The passion in all aspects of our affair made me feel wonderful and I was in my own little bubble. Felt absolutely in love with the man and became obsessive about him. I resented his wife.

Our affair lasted from October-Early March. Husband accused me of having an affair with the man and I got angry with him telling him how dare me accuse me of such a thing etc. He then hired a private eye and I was caught pretty much red handed while with my AP. I broke it off with him. I am attempting to do what I can to earn the trust back of my husband. We are in counseling and I'm in my own individual counseling.

The problem is I constantly think about the other man, days I wish I was just in his arms. Some days I can't stand the thought of him and feel so disgusted for what I've done. I want these feelings to stop, I don't want to throw away this chance my husband has given me and I can't even imagine how bad he feels. Of course I don't let him know this, but I want it to stop. I'm pining for him hard and it's only getting worse but I don't want these feelings for him anymore.

I feel like a girl in high school who has just lost the love of her life and it's not healthy for me, when will I stop having these intense feelings about the other man?

OP posts:

Triskel · 06/04/2017 09:00

The dynamic of affairs seems to cause an obsession with the AP that is very hard to shift. People often experience it as an addiction that they have trouble breaking, even though they want to. If you google this on affair- type forums you will find techniques to help and many others who have been through it.

No contact is important and mindfulness/meditation are techniques that can help. So can anti depressants.

You are experiencing new relationship energy, in an existing marriage that is feeling commonplace. It's unlikely things would work out - you are stepping over too many bodies.

You are lucky your husband is so supportive. I'd give it more time and really put energy into your husband at least for a while.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/04/2017 09:07

No judgement from me OP. It's just bizarre to see how different the responses are to a woman who's had an affair instead of a man. It's a stark contrast.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 06/04/2017 09:11

Having an affair is different from the everyday, like a holiday from real life. I guess because I haven't had one. Living with a man and washing his pants and hearing him on the toilet and the daily grind of him getting something out and just leaving it where he finished with it rather than putting it away, is different from meeting up for amazing sex. If you were with AP 24/7 I doubt it would still be fantastic.
You need to work out what you want. Do you love your dh? Do you want to be with AP in the real world?

sofato5miles · 06/04/2017 09:18

I think the responses are different (and more insightful than the usual 'you utterly disgust me' because this is a person asking for help to sort her head out.

In posts where the wronged spose are asking for help, the posts decrying the utter bastard appear to help the OP more.

MumBod · 06/04/2017 09:33

You don't have to stay with your husband just because you feel guilty.

You get one life.

Do you love your husband? Do you look forward to seeing him at the end of the day? Is he the person you'd rather spend time with than do anything else? Do you two laugh together every day? Do you fancy the pants off him more often than not? Is he the person you want to tell news to before anyone else?

I spent far too long in a marriage where the answer to all the questions above was 'no' and let me tell you, I know how utterly dreadful and exhausting that is. You don't only lose the years you actually spend in the marriage - you have to spend a few undoing the emotional damage a shitty marriage can wreak.

The OM is a red herring here. Put him to one side for now. Park it. Think about yourself and your husband, and whether you want to be where you are.

If the answer is 'no', you are allowed to leave.

Luke3103 · 23/08/2019 08:44

Dawn - can I ask... did you ever get over him?

PicsInRed · 23/08/2019 09:16

bully

It's only ok amongst those who come onto Mumshet to form a breathless reassuring echo chamber of

"it's ok if insert my situation here and I know a couple who cheated, humiliated and broke their spouses hearts and stayed happily together and 20 years later now everyone has accepted them and doesnt even remember what they did!". 😍🥰😘🤗

The rest of us are like , yeah, I believe you, thousands wouldn't.

Notallitseemstobe · 23/08/2019 09:26

I'm married, and in love with someone else who I am having an affair with. So I get it.

I haven't been found out, but if I was I would leave my marriage. I know I should anyway.

The affair is a symptom of the issues in my marriage, not the cause and saying I'd study and work on the marriage would be due to fear of the unknown not a real desire to keep my husband.

Yes, I'd probably be alone, burn in hell etc.

But OP, you need to think whether you are simply flogging a dead horse because it seems like it's the thing you are supposed posed to do

Chartsensation · 23/08/2019 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dadaist · 23/08/2019 10:10

OP - you seem to be thinking that if only you could get over your AP and not pine after him then everything will be OK.
I think you need to see that your marriage- the one you had - is over. The trust that had been grown has been cut down. And don’t assume that because your DH wants to forgive you and reconcile that he will be able to get over this. Some people do, but for many reasons many others don’t.
Anything you have now with your DH is a new relationship. And he is starting a relationship with a woman who is still pining for another man. Except he’s not in a position to be new and shiny and exciting-a distraction from the one that got away to win your heart - you already have a long history. Are you sure he would be able to deal with knowing how you feel about OM? Have you told him- or is this another secret?

I guess what I’m saying is that your feelings now determine what happens next. You’re not going to get over things unless you focus on getting it right in your marriage - and you can’t get that to turn a corner and begin anew if you are not being honest now.

So rather than look for magic potions to make you forget someone- I’d say - discuss this with your DH. I think it will rub the shine and the delicious secretive sorrow away when you see it for what it is. Missing how the OM made you feel, and making something or someone else responsible for your feelings.

Wherearemymarbles · 23/08/2019 10:57

🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♂️

though makes me wonder what she’s doing now.

VikVal · 23/08/2019 11:38

You had an affair, you're trying to make marriage work but keep thinking of the other guy...your heart isn't in your marriage at all, time to call it quits, it's done and over. This will keep on and on as clearly things haven't changed or in every single way you checked out last year. That's basically it, not going to get better, probably will get worse for you.

Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2019 12:01

Agree that having an affair doesn't make someone disgusting. People often stay in marriages when they shouldn't. Affairs are more likely to happen in these cases.

I absolutely believe it is possible to develop strong feelings for someone else if a marriage is abusive, unfulfilling or difficult.

Why do you think you had an affair, op?

ravenmum · 23/08/2019 12:15

Do you love your husband? Or are you mainly upset because you were found out and now look like a horrible person? Is your main aim to build a loving, kind relationship and live happily with your husband, or is it to look as if you are doing that / to demonstrate regret / to prove that it was just a mistake and actually you are a nice person? (I'd imagine it might be hard to know yourself?)

You don't have to be Mrs Perfect, you know.

Why is your husband so keen to stay together?

ravenmum · 23/08/2019 12:19

It's also possible to develop strong feelings for someone else if you have a bog standard 17-year-old marriage in which you both get on fine. You don't have to have a heroic reason for an affair.

joystir59 · 23/08/2019 12:25

You need to stop beating yourself up and actually start exploring your own truth- how do you feel about your husband and your marriage? Are you happy in this relationship? Why do you want to make it work?

Anon230982 · 23/08/2019 12:41

It's entirely possible to have feelings for more than one person at once, sometimes in different ways. Different forms of love, for different people, at the same time. By nature, humans are actually polygamous. Some other cultures and religions embrace this. The Christian view of marriage and partnership is one of devoted monogamy...….not everyone can live up to this, and nor should they be judged for it. You are expected to make a lifelong commitment to one person, forsaking all others until "death do us part." The reality is, this is not something that all of us can fulfil although we might try our hardest. Sometimes this high expectation sets us up for failure. It's also the reason people embark on affairs - because they don't like the person they've become in a marriage that's run it's natural course. Be brave here OP. Ask yourself some honest questions and act accordingly.

Blueoasis · 23/08/2019 12:49

Those who are saying they 'found themselves in an affair' or just blatantly saying this is fine, please, tell the woman that next time one posts about her husband having an affair. Tell her that she caused the issues, he made a mistake, he didn't mean it blah blah blah.

Bet you won't.

Leostar · 23/08/2019 12:55

Look up limerence hun.

No judgement. This should be a forum for support and advice, not judgemental bollocks from people who have no idea what you dealing with.

Women really need to stop bring so fucking nasty to each other

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/08/2019 13:20

"He confessed his feelings for me, I told him we had to end this flirtation.

It didn't last long, as in a few days later it turned into a physical affair. "

Which is exactly how affairs start. Once the attraction has been confessed and is out in the open... the affair has started.

What did you do to try and address the lack of intimacy in your marriage, OP?
Did he listen?

What does he say about this (lack of intimacy) now?

SilverySurfer · 23/08/2019 13:57

found myself in an affair

How unfortunate, I assume you tripped and accidentally fell on top of the OM's penis? It obviously means you didn't choose to have an affair so you don't have to take responsibility for your actions.

100% agree with Adora10's post. If you were a man OP, you would quite rightly IMO, be ripped to shreds on here.

I feel very sorry for your DH.

NewMe2019 · 23/08/2019 15:27

Ffs has no one noticed this is from 2 years ago? Sure OP isn't interested in being bashed some more for not being bloody perfect.

J8Hqg2Wvi3YhjEP · 18/04/2020 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

glc38 · 05/04/2021 20:33

I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Cretin. 🤣🤣

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