Bad situation - don't know what to do

[solarstorm]

I'm new here, and posting because I am in a really difficult situation and getting desperate. I'm married (have been with DH for almost fifteen years) and we have a daughter who has just turned five.

My husband is an alcoholic. He's tried to get sober several times in the past few years. He managed about three months a year or so ago, but since then it's just gone steadily downhill. He isn't an evil person, but he can't seem to beat this addiction - I've been hanging on in there trying to support him and hoping he can quit for years, and I don't think I can cope with it any more. We have a good week, then a terrible week. Another good one, another terrible one. It's a roller-coaster over which I seem to have no control. Our daughter isn't hugely conscious of it yet - the most she notices is that in his bad patches he sleeps a lot - but I know this will change as she gets older and I badly don't want her to live the up and down life I'm living.

I am pretty sure that if a friend told me she was in this situation I would advise her to leave, but in reality it feels almost impossible. He has no job, no supportive family, has mostly cut himself off from friends. We rent our flat, but although I pay 100% of the rent we are joint tenants on the contract so I have no more rights than he does, which means I can't throw him out even if I could feel ok about doing that. If we split up, I have no idea what he would do. I think he would basically be homeless and I literally cannot bring myself to put the father of my child (and a man I still love despite it all) in that position. But nor am I prepared to live this way for the rest of my life.

I just don't know what to do. In his good patches he is great with our daughter and she is very attached to him. I can't imagine any way in which a separation between us would be smooth and I am really worried that she will get badly hurt emotionally. And when things are good I am so thankful that I get over-excited and tell myself it will all be fine... but it never lasts.

I don't want to paint myself as a victim - I am no angel in this situation. I had an affair two years ago which lasted for about six months - I was miserable and turned to a friend, not that that excuses it (we are not in touch any more). He knows about it and has been very forgiving. Maybe I feel I owe him because of this, but part of me thinks privately that he has only been forgiving because he knows he needs me financially. I do think he loves me, but equally I'm not sure what that counts for if he can't stop drinking.

Putting this down on paper it feels pretty unlikely that the relationship can be saved but I just feel completely stuck and can't see how to move forward. Every time I reach the decision to leave (not that I even know how I would go about that) it's like he senses it and snaps back into being the man I fell in love with. I can't see an end to it. The worst thing is that we are both aware that if he could stop drinking we could be happy. I think the ideal solution would be for him to go into some kind of rehab to be honest, but as far as I can tell this isn't available on the NHS, or not without extreme difficulty. As the sole earner living in an expensive area I have no spare money so private rehab isn't an option. Even if we lived separately for a while to give him time and space to try and recover... but as he has no money I don't see how this could happen. Grateful for any thoughts, but please be gentle if you can as I am feeling pretty fragile right now!

I certainly don't want any of those things for her :-( His behaviour is not as extreme as these examples yet, which is maybe why I haven't bitten the bullet as overall I still feel that he is more of a positive force in her life than a negative one. But I know his behaviour could degenerate so it makes sense not to take that risk?

Hidingtonothing - I think you are right in what you say but I worry about the fact that she won't see us separating as me making her top priority - she's only five, she won't be able to grasp that and I know 100% it is going to really upset her. I just don't know how to handle it I suppose. I don't know how much you should try and explain to a child of that age. Maybe that is something else al-anon/adfam could help me with? I will look into finding a local group this week. It's hard because I work and don't have a lot of spare time but I will try and find a way.

Thanks for all your words on how divorce would be preferable. It is something I have a lot of guilt over, even though I know it wouldn't strictly be my fault. It isn't what I wanted for her or what I thought would happen, and it's hard to lose that dream of the happy family. After all, some alcoholics DO recover. But maybe it isn't possible for him to recover while I'm still here?

No. He will never recover while he doesn't have to.

For an alcoholic the drink is number one on every list of priorities. You and your daughter will always come after his addiction.

The only person who can help an alcoholic is themselves. Other people's efforts in my experience just make it worse, caring for them and supporting them simply enables it.

If you care about him, your daughter or yourself you have to walk away.

Yes - I think I need to hear this because of course it isn't what he is saying to me, he is of the opinion that he is more likely to recover if I am supporting him. I think I need to get the message through to him that I will be supporting him better by making him have to address his problems and try and stand on his own two feet. It sounds a bit glib but I do think it is true.

This isn't something I can do tomorrow. But I can give notice at the end of May and be out at the end of July - that is if I don't persuade him to find somewhere else to stay before then, as I do agree with Gallavich that that would be preferable. It's not that I necessarily think he would kick up shit, I just can't imagine him actually getting round to doing it to be honest. But if he doesn't, I suppose I can use that time to start getting support of my own so that I will be stronger when the time comes. I should talk to my mother as well - she is very supportive but I have been keeping her at arm's length a bit.

Thanks for listening all.

Of course he says he'll be more likely to recover if you're around, you're putting a roof over his head, feeding him, paying the rent etc etc.
My BIL's an alcoholic, 15 years down the line his wife's on her knees, his two children despise him and rarely visit, he lost an extremely lucrative job (salary in the £200k range, tax free), they have no friends and he's a 65 year old wreck.
He's blown unfathomable amounts of money. His wife still cleans up after he's doubly incontinent, has to apologise regularly to neighbours when he is abusive to them, gets knocked around etc. I have no idea why she stays but please don't be her further down the line. He's been in private rehab 4 times (£800/night, six weeks at a time) and zilch has changed.

You can give notice to end the tendency yourself, you don't need his agreement. If you do it when you suggest, that means you can move over the school holidays. Then if you have a few weeks with nowhere to live you can stay with your mum.

You can't fix this, only he can, and whilst you obviously hope that he will, you have to make plans for yourself on the assumption that he won't. So give your notice, move to your mums, look for a tenancy just for the two of you. Tough, obviously, but better than raising your daughter with an alcoholic.

💐

Thanks P1nkP0ppy. I am not going to be her. I can totally understand how it happens though, because it is incredibly hard to walk away when you still see regular flashes of the person you want to be with.

George - yes, this is what I was thinking (about the school holidays). In that sense it would be pretty good logistically. I am tying myself up in knots a bit about the tenancy notice. From what I've read, I can give notice individually, but as we're jointly and severally responsible, if he refused to give notice himself then I would still be liable for the rent even if I wasn't living there. That's a situation I definitely can't afford to be in and I can really see it happening - he tends to bury his head in the sand. I am wondering if writing to my landlord at the end of May and asking him to give us notice (I don't know him well but could explain the situation a bit) would be a better plan. That way he's the one saying the tenancy is ending and so I wouldn't be liable for the rent. But he might not want to do that, as he might then have to deal with the hassle of trying to evict someone. I don't know.

But maybe it isn't possible for him to recover while I'm still here?

Exactly this, currently he can have you and DD, his family life and drink, it needs to be one or the other. You do need to be prepared that he will make the wrong choice though, depending on how strong he is against the hold alcohol has on him.

DD will be upset of course but you will be able to give her stability and reassurance to get her through the adjustment period. And no, she won't understand that you are doing this in her best interests at 5 years old but sometimes we have to make decisions which we can see as adults are right for them even if they don't understand. And yes, al anon/adfam can help you with how to approach it with her.

None of this is what you wanted for any of you and you will need time and support to grieve for the life you thought you would have and wanted for DD but separating now really does give all of you the best chance of being happy long term. There's nothing to say he won't continue to be a positive force in her life, he could throw himself into recovery and work his arse off to get his family back together or he might stay as he is and still be capable of being in DD's life under whichever terms you feel comfortable but at least you can ensure DD is protected from the negative aspects of his addiction if you're not living together.

You will feel guilt whichever route you take, guilt for leaving him to take responsibility for his own issues, guilt for breaking up your family, guilt for DD being upset while she adjusts to the changes but imo all of these are better than the guilt you will feel if you stay and his alcoholism damages DD irreparably and impacts negatively on her future life.

I also think living with an alcoholic parent, particularly one who goes out stealing his booze, and has no functioning role in life is much more damaging than being a child of divorce. Many of us are children of divorce, I am, and it's fine, my friends mother was an acoholic much like you describe your husband and the damage is irreversible.

You also need to address what's best for you. You are her parent too and you being happy is part of it. Living with this man is not making you a happy parent.

There is only one way, you need to stop being responsible for him and you need to accept he is an adult and he will make his own choices. He may sort it or he may end up homeless on the street. He may belatedly sort it, who knows. The only thing for sure is you are not responsible for him and you should not sacrifice your life and happiness and your daughters to keep a roof over this mans head.

I wonder if CAB or Shelter could advise about the tenancy issue? I would be getting as much advice about that as possible so you can figure out your best way forward. I can see that staying put would be preferable for you and DD but I suspect you're right about the likelihood of him dragging his heels so I think you need to do whatever gives you most control over the situation so you don't end up stuck. Your idea about the landlord would be ideal if they will agree to it.