Need an outside perspective

[silverlin]

Me and my exP/DP have been trying to get back together.

We were together for almost 5 years, have a DD together. We split up almost a year ago, and have tried a few times to 'sort things out'.

The main things we seem to fail at, is he doesn't feel loved/wanted. I feel like I can't do anything right, am always letting him down, sometimes he is overbearing (I like my own space)

Yesterday we came back to mine from a day out. I had left the place a bit messy as was in a rush in the morning. I decided to tidy up while him and DD were playing/watching tv, etc. He decided it was time for me to put DD to bed. I wasn't quite finished tidying - still needed to hoover. He wasn't very happy about this as he had took her to the bedroom. I read her a story while he laid on my bed, they both fell asleep. I finished my tidying up, got ready for bed. He woke up, I said I was going to bed, he said to come sit on the sofa, I said no, was going to bed and kissed him goodnight. He got up, got his stuff and left.

This morning's text went something like this:

You didn't come wake me up, didnt say you loved me when you was going to bed, you could have said wanna come to bed too? You know I have never felt welcome at yours. Or just a five minute cuddle on the sofa. I'd just woke and was still sleepy. We get in you clean for hours. Even hoovering while putting DD to bed. If you didn't want me there you should have just said.

I'm beginning to think we are better off apart, does thins sound like too much hard work to you, or is this 'normal'? For the record I was cleaning for less than one hour.

Sorry for the essay.

I think you're missing the point Kikikaakaa. Of course it's up to the OP how she runs her house. However, you can't generalise that all single mums who work full time must do evening housework to stay organised.

OP can choose to do extensive housework in the evening if she likes, but not invite DP over if this is how it makes him feel. I just think they have different outlooks.

It would be like you tidying the house of an evening whilst me and Stoic would be on the sofa with a bottle of wine. It's not going to work.

Well, unless you want to come and clean my house, then I'd be happy with the set up.

I think various people on here are missing the point.

Did you all miss the bit where the op said he sulked for a week when she changed her profile pic on social media, and wouldn't talk to her? Or the bit where she says he demands her undivided attention when he comes round?

Needy, sulky controlling, man-child anyone???

*poor punctuation. Sorry.

Doing the housework etc aside, as that seems to be covered! I personally don't think you were wrong though.

What stands out for me... he says it's time for you to put dd to bed!! Why didn't he just put his daughter to bed as you were busy. Then you read her a story, although you still had jobs to do! Apologies if he can't read for any reason, but if he can why didn't he read his child a bed time story!!

It sounds like you've got two children and he seems more interested in you than his daughter! Been there a bit with my bf and absolutely won't tolerat it!!

Then the other stuff, regarding phone and feeling on eggshells. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. I couldn't stand feeling like that!

Sounds like he enjoys you jumping through hoops to appease him, especially since you say you've begged him to be back with you in the past. So he decides to turn everyday things into big dramas to keep you on your toes.

Call his bluff and tell him you agree it's not working and it's best to end things now. Who can be bothered with this level of neediness and manipulation, where you can't even change your profile picture without a tantrum.

Thanks for all the replies.

Ok, I will accept maybe I shouldn't have spent time doing the cleaning. I just wanted to hoover cos we'd been to the beach 2 days in a row and there was sand on the floors (laminate). He would have been the first one complaining when he was walking around barefoot! I am not actually cleaning obsessed or anything, but it is a slippery slope, you leave the little things a couple of days and they turn into massive things.

Re the bed thing. Technically it was my night for DD. I was going to put her to bed after I'd hoovered, he just decided before that it was bed time.

It is possible I was avoiding spending time with him by going to bed. I was tired but he'd grated on my during the day (poked my breast with a chopstick, which followed with DD doing the same thinking it's hilarious), the whole telling me I was putting DD to bed (not asking if I was nearly done, etc), when we'd been out he wanted a particular type of food for lunch and we couldn't find anywhere and he was a bit sulky about it.

This example in the OP is just the tip of a very big iceberg. I really just need to move on, I know it's right, it's just hard.

He poked your breast with a chopstick?

How bloody dare he?

What does he think you are - an object to be poked and prodded and pushed around? Encouraging DC to laugh at you? ?

You have some serious problems here.

Relationships really shouldn't be this much hard work. I think you need to admit that it's not going to work and just move on.

Fact is you did choose to do the housework over spending a dull evening watching telly just to make him happy (I mean what else was on offer? I wouldn't find it 'fun quality time' to sit in front of the telly every night more than doing the hoovering ....) It's your house you can clean it when you choose to. If you wanted to spend time with him you would, but you don't really want to. He sounds needy and irritating.

Ok, housework aside, with all the other stuff you have mentioned, you really would be better off without him.

The poking you and encouraging your DD to find it funny is awful. I know how that feels, my ex once laughed at me and encouraged my DD to laugh at me when I slipped down a steep bank. Now I have a sense of humour at the best of times, but I was actually hurt. And I felt like he was manipulating my DD to put me down too. That was one of the epiphany moment that prompted me to leave.

I can't believe people are saying to get rid of him all because he wanted a little bit of cuddling or attention from you. He doesn't feel loved and you know this, so that means being with him means you need to make a little more effort to show him you love him. Is that really so hard? Relationships require work. I don't think he sounds self absorbed. He sounds like he just wants to feel loved. Did he have a difficult past?

You said you like your space and I get that because I am the same way. But is cuddling with him for 5 minutes really so hard? You are fhe one who begged for him to come back. You sound like you're very wushu washy first begging for him back and then acting like that. Sorry but I don't understand why you would Hoover while your baby is trying to go to sleep for the night.

I cannot believe people are saying to get rid of him just because he feels hurt and wanted your time and attention.

He's a tantrumming baby. He's bloody insecure too but instead of being helpful and then asking if you can have a cuddle he behaves like a stroppy toddler.

Because he's a big sulky man child who smothers OP and makes her feel trapped. But you shouldn't have begged him back knowing he is like this and would make it worse

"just because he feels hurt..."

No no no, there's a lot more to it than that. The chopstick thing is horrible. And fortunately OP is beginning to see it clearly again.

Definitely time to end this relationship for good.

At first, I thought you were being a little unfair to your partner. I did think well, if my partner had been cleaning for most of the evening and then went to bed, I'd be a bit peeved off about it. But, then reading on about walking on eggshells - that is a big warning sign, sulking and the chopstick thing I changed my mind.

I think if you're feeling like you're walking on eggshells it's a big warning sign. You shouldn't have to feel like that with anyone. It sounds like he has a lot of issues from his past which are causing him to act in this way. I also think you're feeling unsure and you know the relationship isn't right. Go with your gut. You deserve more.

Thank you for all your replies.

I do feel like he is controlling, I knew when we got back together, but I thought that if I just kept not accepting it, he would change his ways. I've obviously allowed his behaviour over the years which is why he is the way he is.

Some of you asked about his past. He's had a very average life, mum and dad split when he was in his teens, nothing out of the ordinary.

It's only been since Sunday and I already wish things weren't like this. This is the problem with me.. I've got no resolve. I know things aren't good between us, I know we always come back to this point, I know that I don't want to accept his behaviour anymore, but I know I love him and I miss him already.

If you keep not accepting it, he will become nastier in order to keep the control.

It is not your fault that he is controlling! You can't make someone behave a certain way: and you certainly can't make someone controlling by accepting it. Just try it with somebody nice!

You say you've got no resolve, but those of us who've left destructive relationships (after a failed attempt or two) will tell you that we didn't believe we were strong enough even while we were in the process of leaving!

It is a decision that only you can make. What's more important, that feeling of loving him and missing him, or being free to be your own person? What could DD grow up thinking is normal because of what she'll see in the coming months and years if you stay?

I think that when sensitiviescare running high - small things can take on a bigger significance.
Before you give up entirely OP, take a look at attachment styles at the love compass.

the-love-compass.com/2015/10/11/5-tips-anxious-avoidant-relationship/

Have a read around the relationship combinations - It may help unravel things for each of you? Good luck OP.