Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please give me your opinion because i am lost with DH behavior

64 replies

user1491244207 · 03/04/2017 19:53

Hello. Since i met my DH he is progressively makes me feel that i have to loose every part of myself in order to satisfy him and if i ever talk against he will always go into a rage or sulky mood and make me feel terribly guilty. please need a clear perspective of whats right and wrong because i literally can not think clear anymore.
When i met him everything was great. He is loyal ,caring(or so i though , not sure about that anymore )etc
The last week he got very upset with me because i was commenting on a character in a movie, apparently i was trying to insult him through the character because everything the movie hero was doing he would do and if i dont like it it means i dont like him. For the rest of the movie he would comment every few minutes that "i bet you dont like that too" etc
Also i couldn't call him at work but i messaged him instead to let him know. Later at night i fell asleep and wasnt waiting for him to return , that caused a huge argument because apparently i dont care about him anymore, he" doesnt give a shit " if i messaged i should have called and "he wont care about me anymore because he is the only one who tries" Note that he fell asleep many many times and it never bothered me...
Today i asked him for a bit affection and it cause a huge huge argument. He said that he has to be logical about it because i never like any of his responses and asked what he can do. I said, whatever you feel like doing i just need to feel a bit affection. Then somehow it turned it to him and telling me how ungrateful i am , and how he tries despite the fact that i angered him a lot and how nothing works with me and i hurt him. I said well how it all turn about you again , you are selfish because i only asked you for a bit affection and you turn it all on you. Definitely he made me regret saying that. First he started telling me how i dare call him selfish, and where that comes from and no normal person would treat him like that etc. i was kept saying that lets leave it i dont want a problem but he said he wouldnt leave it. I told him that all our argument sis because he takes every little thing as personal attack and that angered him even more. To cut the long story short, he later went into total silence demanding me to apologize for my behavior. When i did he said is not sincere. Concluded as i pushed him him far away, that this week i have been horrible to him and if i can not see it then there is something wrong with me. He said i have to fix it or he is to the point to leave me because he had enough of me. I said i dont know what you want me to fix because i dont think that i did anything "horrible" and went cold and said that he is totally shut down and i pushed him too far this time. Apparently is up to me to fix it or he will leave because he has been trying and i havent. The only things that happened this week is what i describe, my logic tells me that nothing is as horrible as he makes it but he is been like that since the beginning so i am so confused as to whats right and whats not. Please give me your opinions, i am getting depressed by all that

OP posts:
Feelinglikeafailure · 03/04/2017 20:33

Cor what a cunt!

I wouldn't let him leave though. I'd be kicking his abusive ass out the door and bolting the thing behind him!!

What an absolute twat of a man

elfies · 03/04/2017 20:36

PLease leave , please .

Want2bSupermum · 03/04/2017 20:46

I had to read this three times to get my head around what he is doing to you. You need to make him your exH. What can we help with to make that happen?

Seriously consider calling Womens' Aid either way. He is being very abusive and your self esteem must have taken a knock being in this relationship.

AskBasil · 03/04/2017 20:47

Run for the hills.

When you get there, Read this book

And meanwhile, while you're headed for the hills, take a look round the internet to find out about gaslighting

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2017 20:48

" I honestly feel that i have lost any sense to whats normal and whats not."
And that is what gaslighting aims to achieve. Because when you get to the stage where you don't know which way is up, you can be easily controlled by someone who claims to have a reliable compass. That is what this kind of behaviour is all about - confuse you so that you become more able to be manipulated. It is NEVER done by someone with your best interests at heart.

Suggest to him that as you are so horrible he should leave, as that is the only way to guarantee his future happiness. He will rapidly backpeddle, claim he is willing to give you another chance, but stand firm. You know you cannot make him happy and so he should go. As soon as possible. Does he need any help packing? Probably not, you might decide to pack badly, being horrible an'all. Door's that-a-way.

Seriously, you need to get shot of him. He will make you unhappier and unhappier, damage your self-esteem and your mental health. The person you originally got together with is an illusion he spun to reel you in. Get rid.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/04/2017 20:48

Honestly? I only read the first paragraph.

If a man makes you feel like you're losing your mind and losing your sense of self, he is not a good man.

Chloe84 · 03/04/2017 20:51

It sounds utterly depressing and exhausting Sad

Don't give this twat another day of your life.

Goldmandra · 03/04/2017 20:54

This is classic domestic abuse. He is trying to make you too frightened to ever question anything he does and believe that you are always 100% in the wrong about everything.

He will also, no doubt, tell you that you are rubbish and worthless and lucky that he is willing to put up with you because nobody else would be interested in being around you.

Has he isolated you from your friends and family?

If you say you want to end the relationship, be prepared for him to apologise and promise you the world if you will give him another chance. That will be a chance to grind you down further so that you have absolutely zero self-esteem left and start to believe that you deserve this life and won't ever be able to get away.

Do whatever you need to do to walk away from this relationship with your children if you have any. Walk away from possessions, money and employment if necessary. You can get them all back or get new.

You deserve better Flowers

sniffle12 · 03/04/2017 21:01

Narcissist. I would avoid like the plague. They are the centre of their own universe and love drama to boot.

They can be amazing people to be with when everything's going their way (usually at the start of the relationship) but what you're seeing is the facade starting to crumble.

SignoraStronza · 03/04/2017 21:09

I recognise this so well, I actually read it in the distinctive accent of my ex. He is an abusive, mindfucking arsehole op. I remain convinced mine has some kind of personality disorder. Whatever, it's not yours to fix. Get out now before he turns you into a gibbering wreck. Read 'Living with the Dominator' and see if there is a Freedom Programme near you.

Naicehamshop · 03/04/2017 21:19

It's not you, it's him. He is a controlling, abusive arsehole. Get rid, as fast as you can.

EggysMom · 03/04/2017 21:23

e said i have to fix it or he is to the point to leave me because he had enough of me

See ya! Don't let the door catch you on the way out!

Atenco · 03/04/2017 21:39

I love mumsnet. OP, there is your answer, claim back your life!

Pollypickypocket · 03/04/2017 22:55

Goodness tell him to fuck off asap - who has the energy for this sort of crap ?

Darlink · 03/04/2017 23:04

Problem is you love him .
But he's a dick.

Can you extricate yourself from the love ?

I probably couldn't Confused

Joysmum · 03/04/2017 23:10

A good relationship is supportive and brings out the best in you so you can be the best and happiest version of you.

Doesn't sound to me like you can even be yourself, let alone the best version of yourself and is very stifling and controlling.

I think you've got serious problems and I'm not sure they are fixable. You'd do well to start planing an exit in readiness because I can see this continuing to get worse Sad

jeaux90 · 03/04/2017 23:13

Please read about narcissistic personality, emotional abuse, gaslighting.

He sounds like he ticks a few of those boxes and you need to understand that these people never ever change. Ever.

Finish it. Don't look back. You can do it x

PoorYorick · 03/04/2017 23:38

The last week he got very upset with me because i was commenting on a character in a movie, apparently i was trying to insult him through the character because everything the movie hero was doing he would do and if i dont like it it means i dont like him.

I think this might be the most paranoid, ridiculous, self-centred, moronic, ludicrous and downright fucking batshit loony thing I have ever read, and I've been on the Relationships board for years. On this alone, you need to leave. It is so far beyond the thought process of any reasonable and slightly normal person that I am wondering how this guy functions in the real world. Honestly. I do not understand how he can hold a job or buy milk or catch a train. He does not make sense. I don't even understand how he can see this as an insult to his personality because he doesn't have a personality. Just a personality disorder.

This absolutely is not normal. Get out.

sassandfaff · 04/04/2017 04:35

My ex use to do this to me. I called it giving me 'spaghetti head'. I now know the proper term is gaslighting.

You need to leave as soon as possible. He'll never change. You will just end up using coping mechanisms which will most likely be, walking on egg shells, not answering back, soothing him when needed, etc. You will be a shell of your former self. I actually left my ex with a stutter and a nervous disposition .

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 04/04/2017 04:54

Please let him leave! Only sadly he won't. But do get rid asap.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2017 04:56

What everyone else said. And some reading for you:

Signs of emotional abuse

The Abuser Profiles

Get the real life support you need and LTB.

endofthelinefinally · 04/04/2017 06:08

Oh dear.
Run. Very far and very fast.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 04/04/2017 06:59

What PoorYorick put so eloquently.

He's not intending on leaving it's to further control you. He may 'pretend' to leave then he'll try and make you feel even more at fault. Then he'll revert to the lovely fun person you initially met. Then, if ... and I hope you won't... but if you fall for his lies and let him back into your life, the pattern of nastiness and control and making you feel like you're losing your mind will escalate.

Reclaim your mind and your life and although it will feel hard at first, you will reclaim how to feel happy. Flowers

sniffle12 · 04/04/2017 08:06

I wish I'd had threads like these several years ago! OP I stayed 4 years too long - nothing changed. Everything that was ringing alarm bells at the start of the relationship became reality.

The bit about having the wrong opinion on a film character - so trivial you feel slightly ridiculous even writing it in case no one believes you? My ExDP got mad because I had watched the wrong TV on Christmas Day while we were apart. Stonewalled me until I cried myself to sleep after an otherwise lovely Christmas. Didn't crack until I apologised the next day. It will send you mad if you don't get away.

JessicaEccles · 04/04/2017 13:19

I also had four years of this. My ex? went mental because he showed me a picture of a schoolfriend who had died when they were 15- over 20 years ago- and I said what a sweet looking boy.